Incessant Moaning

[looviloo]

Looviloo, yes I feel constantly fed up of the moaning and moods day in day out

I hate to say it, but sometimes it makes me feel resentful... I love my dad and would do anything for him, and I know he appreciates everything because in his better moments he thanks me. But the moaning and repetitive nagging can really drag me down :-/. Especially as it's all one way, since he doesn't comprehend that I might have problems too!

Saxonette and Looviloo
At least we are finding we are not alone in dealing with this.

Talking Point is a bit of a life line - I don't post all that often but do read on a daily basis and helps knowing that others are experiencing similar things. Although, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, of course. I'm glad you overheard your dad saying nice things about you . But isn't it strange how those people (family/friends) who see them less often sometimes don't recognise the dementia? Maybe they are in denial?

 

[Emac]

Here's a thought

I may sound a bit radical here but how about you just stop trying to please all these folk and let them moan?

Assuming the person is not in pain or suffering unduly just say something non committal such as that's a shame or I quite agree...without feeling you have to solve a problem for them or make them happy??? Moaning about everything is often an expression of general stress and unhappiness whether you have dementia or not...sometimes a hug and an I know life is a pain sometimes (or similar comment) can help.

Don't though lets rack our brains and exhaust ourselves looking for solutions when a person is stuck in this place. You wont succeed and you will only exhaust yourself trying

 

[Selinacroft]

Thanks Emac- I will have a go, the trouble is when its keeping warm or food you feel responsible but yes probably sound advice.

 

[WORRIER123]

I agree it's so hard and you want so hard to end the moaning as its draining
Harder to shut out than you think some days

 

[Haylett]

My MIL sounds like a reversing truck. Constantly. Or she repeats the same couple of words over and over again at high volume! Some days it's like autopilot-speak, after which she is exhausted. And because we have a baby-listener for night-time, it goes on and on all the night. I thought that was hard. But reading some of the other posts, I think noise is easier to bear than moaning..!

 

[looviloo]

Went to see dad yesterday and he was much more relaxed than usual, very little moaning! We had a very pleasant chat and even when some of the trickier topics came up, he didn't obsess about them and was easily distracted.

I'm sure the moaning is related to whatever level of anxiety he's feeling at the time. And he can't always express what's bothering him so it comes out as a repeated moan (often about something unrelated to the real worry).

I may sound a bit radical here but how about you just stop trying to please all these folk and let them moan?

Assuming the person is not in pain or suffering...

I really wish it were this simple! I am much more tolerant these days and much of it washes over me. I'm often very vague in my responses, and a master of distraction! But I think the moaning indicates some distress on the part of the PWD... this is definitely the case with my dad. So in a way he is suffering, and that affects me too.

I've come to the conclusion that what dad really wants is to be younger and fitter again (don't we all!!!). He said yesterday "when I get better again..." and truly believed it. I just smiled .

 

[Pear trees]

I have tried not to let my mum's constant moaning get to me and make non committal replies, especially when she is moaning at me for not doing anything for her, but I am human not a robot or a vulcan; her constant moaning about being left to starve, having no visitors and no one doing anything for her are very wearing. When I or my SIL do try to visit she slams the door on us, then when we do get in she is really uncooperative and ungrateful for whatever we do for her.
She has always been selfish self centred and difficult and enjoyed upsetting people; dementia has simply worsened this trait.

 

[WORRIER123]

Daughter from hell today
I woke at 5am so got ready for work. As I came down the stairs I was subject to a verbal rant about how I didn't wake dad, I don't tell him the time, I don't tell him what I am doing. I walked into the kitchen and made a coffee to take on the train. Went in to say goodbye and another rant about the coffee how he didn't want one.
My boyfriend is coming over tonight and he questioned why should he it's Tuesday
I snapped and said because if he doesn't I never see him, we can't go on holiday, we can't go away for a weekend.
My boyfriend lives 2hrs away and I haven't visited 'our' joint house with mortgage in 10 months
So bitter, he resents me having a life. Never asks why I sit in all night and if I go out for a walk and pop back then say going out again get questioned why when I can sit in watching tv.
Dad is not longer mobile as in he can get round the house but not out.
Drained and fed up this morning
Rant over thanks for listening

 

[TooHard]

My boyfriend lives 2hrs away and I haven't visited 'our' joint house with mortgage in 10 months
So bitter, he resents me having a life.
Rant over thanks for listening

Seriously?

My partner and I have been living together for just over three years. Mum is 100 miles away. Although I go through regularly (with 'drop everything' emergencies over and above) however difficult things become for her I would not consider staying there permanently while I have a home and a partner over two hours away.

You have gone above and beyond the call of duty already but maybe you ought to be making plans that allow you to live in your own home? Time to move dad?

 

[Pear trees]

Worrier, I fully agree with Toohard. Time to look at care packages, or weekend respite,or even full time care homes.
You need a life, or your partner will no longer be part of it.
If your dad is critical of whatever you do he will probably be the same wherever he is.
I would NEVER give up my life and freedom to look after my mum who never appreciates anything I do for anyway.

 

[looviloo]

Drained and fed up this morning

Sending you big {hugs} and hoping your day improves. Maybe it's time to reassess the whole situation? x

 

[WORRIER123]

Thank you all so much
Dreading going home tonight
Hoping he's forgotten how rude he was
Dad has a carer 3 times a day so lucky to have me and then

 

[RedLou]

I tend to agree with TooHard. You have given up your life and you are entitled to one. If your presence is not making your father happy (and probably dementia has destroyed his ability to be happy) then what are you doing this for? Let's put it this way: if he had a care package and weekend visits from you would he be noticeably more miserable?

 

[Rageddy Anne]

When nothing is right, which is most of the time, it's the " no one ever bothers to come and see me" that gets me down the most. People are in and out all the time; I can't believe they're still willing to do it, but they often tell me they come for my sake. He used to be able to put on a really convincing act, but now the mask is slipping... Sometimes I wonder if he ever really cared about me.

 

[RedLou]

When nothing is right, which is most of the time, it's the " no one ever bothers to come and see me" that gets me down the most. People are in and out all the time; I can't believe they're still willing to do it, but they often tell me they come for my sake. He used to be able to put on a really convincing act, but now the mask is slipping... Sometimes I wonder if he ever really cared about me.

Oh Anne -- I went through this with my father but now I am getting flashbacks of little affectionate moments from before the dementia and beginning to feel a little soothed. My heart goes out to you. *massive hug*

 

[Kikki21]

I can massively relate to the OP & to what others have said.

My mum has always been a massively negative, critical & selfish person but with dementia, it's like all those traits are on steroids. Nothing is good enough, fast enough or just alright to her.

Her tone of voice when she rings up is one of sheer disapproval on whatever rant she is having... why are you working still at this hour? Why can't you come now? I need this now! You don't care about me! I'm starving hungry (after we have bought her food shopping)

The moaning has increased & increased... we live 30 minutes away so we can't just drop everything & pop round. My tolerance levels have dropped so if she is having a pop on the phone which is happening more frequently then it's simpler to say I'm sorry, I'm really busy, I have to go or make an excuse and ring off..... in the hope that she will forget what she is ranting about!

She is getting nastier & nastier, cancels appointments for no reason then asks us why she's cancelled it... we've already had to lose 1 care support person because she didn't like her again no reason given so she's still not getting her full week's allocation at the moment.

She just flies off the handle for no reason whatsoever & it is very hard to stay on track & focused while she is like that.

 

[Pear trees]

Redlou, there must be steroids secretly put in some food, in my mum's case Mr Kiplings cakes, that help to worsen their critical self centred traits! Her lunch club is closed for Easter, so she has no food and is being left to starve, no one is visiting and all her money Is stolen (cupboards full of cakes, SIL bringing hot meal every day and me visting weekly, and £200 in her purse!)
We have not told her that my OH's mum passed away last week, she would probably say 'good, you can do more for me now'!*

 

[WORRIER123]

Home and dad had forgotten all about being rude
I gave him his dinner and pudding and now a hot cross bun
But he bun is cold it's not been toasted. I said ah sorry you don't usually have them toasted shall I do it
No he says just telling u for next time so not to shock me
Now eating a box of family circle biscuits
Boyfriend stuck at work so heading home rather than coming over. Maybe best I told him.
He noticed it's a full moon here !

 

[RedLou]

Redlou, there must be steroids secretly put in some food, in my mum's case Mr Kiplings cakes, that help to worsen their critical self centred traits! Her lunch club is closed for Easter, so she has no food and is being left to starve, no one is visiting and all her money Is stolen (cupboards full of cakes, SIL bringing hot meal every day and me visting weekly, and £200 in her purse!)
We have not told her that my OH's mum passed away last week, she would probably say 'good, you can do more for me now'!*

Mr Kipling cakes in my father's case, too! Look after yourself, Pear trees.

 

[Aisling]

Is anyone else up against continuous moaning?
Typical, moaning about carer, moaning about porridge (nothing wrong with it but made badly), moaning about cheque book not having balance where he thought it should be (in the middle of a chq!) , moaning about me watching tv ( because he needs to concentrate on eating) , moaning the tv channels have moved and aren't in the right place (they are fine) , Moaning I've taken over the tv control and he has handed it to me looking lost. I don't get any normal conversation between the moans- just one after another, either because I'm in or I've been out, getting under his feet or ignoring him.
This one takes the biscuit- I reminded him his pudding was going cold and he told me to stop moaning!
Seems to be a quite significant increase in decline in last few weeks spiralling downwards. How long does this stage last and what comes next?
Vascular Dementia

Lord help you is all I can say. I hope you can get a break from it.

Hugs

Aisling