WORRIER123 Registered User

    Oct 1, 2015
    Toohard yes mastermind and I too bought the flipper hoping it would help and dad can't use it
    Just been at work for 12 hours came home and was read the riot act about the state of the cooker (I left a few crumbs on the grill) basically told I am useless and what do I do all day long ?
    He has carers 3 times a day then me from 6pm to 6am. Now the tray for his dinner he suddenly doesn't like. He's finished his dinner and I haven't and he's tapping the plate with a spoon telling me he's finished and where's his pudding
    Yes several explicits in my head
  2. Selinacroft

    Selinacroft Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    #22 Selinacroft, Feb 24, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2016
    I think we are living in parallel universe this week.
    dad moaned about breakfast from the carer- eggs and bacon on toast- not done how he likes it
    Dad had a toasted slice of teacake for lunch which was the wrong shape, and then a cheese scone which was too chewy. He had some cooked apple-alleluia- that got the thumbs up.
    Then for dinner I gave him a fancy fish pie from Waitrose which apparently tasted funny so why didn't I read the packet before I bought it?. I heated a ready made jacket potato and cheese filling which took 3 mins in the microwave and he grumbled about it being done in the microwave and why hadn't I used the oven . I said it had a filling already and just needed heating up. Response was Oh that figures you never cook anything properly. Then I offered up a slice of Waitrose dessert- a type of yummy lemon slice but fancier than usual from their patisserie. He took one look at it and said - You must be joking I'm not eating that. Then said- did I say something about apples. I replied, "No" and that I had a feeling whatever I offered would be moaned about and he then said - "That doesn't say much for your catering abilities does it then?" I have given up now to have a personal moan of my own on here . I am obviously in good company.
    The carers note today said Dad had been really rude to her. None of them will want to come here if they get nothing but grief.
  3. TooHard

    TooHard Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    My mum has always been a difficult person (in fact she prides herself on this and regularly tells anyone who'll listen how difficult she is) so it's no real surprise that she's difficult, negative and bad tempered now. It just all feels worse when it's now that you're putting yourself out (live in carers and those who care on a daily basis are absolute heroes...I don't know how you do it) only to be complained at and about.

    I recently watched a TED talk that was doing the rounds on Facebook: Alanna Shaik (daughter of a sufferer) discusses how she's preparing for having Alz. She talks about becoming a better person. I found it food for thought. Since this all started with my mum I find I often resent how combative and unpleasant she can be when all we're trying to do is help but realising that she's always been like this but I could walk away before. I think I'm far more pleasant to my children than she has been but I'm trying really hard to ensure that they think of me with kindness if this ever happens to me and that I'm kinder to them if they're someday in my current position. (if any of that makes sense)

    TED talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/alanna_shaikh_how_i_m_preparing_to_get_alzheimer_s?language=en
  4. WORRIER123

    WORRIER123 Registered User

    Oct 1, 2015
    The carers never say a bad word about dad and I know he is rude to them at times
    Tonight the carer said ah she's home as I walked in. She said he's been checking the door saying she's the best daughter then I walk in and told off for the crumbs
    Just getting told off about the lack of programmes he likes on TV that the tv mag has been printed wrong ... Just looked out the window and it's a full moon ha ha so put it down to that today
  5. Livveywills

    Livveywills Registered User

    Jul 11, 2015
    Wow! you sound like you are describing my mum moaning and negativity is constant about everything and anything. It is vascula dementia too, ice found as she
    Deteriorates the moaning is increasing the glimpses ofum having pleasure in anything are so rare now Sadly.

    If I could have a dementia tv station for her it would be emerdale but it would be fine to splice it with Jeremy Kyle as she now watches that thinking it's also emerdale... Can't begin to imagine how that works
  6. jknight

    jknight Registered User

    Oct 23, 2015
    Mum doesn't moan but she is often tearful. Today, I think the trigger was getting a prescription in the post, with 'memory clinic' printed on it. I do wish they would post things to me, rather than mum
  7. WORRIER123

    WORRIER123 Registered User

    Oct 1, 2015
    Well working from home today and dad had just woken to read me the riot act about the way I clean the house.
    Apparently I have too many cleaning products, I work too hard but it's no excuse for my lack of intelligence about how to clean. Apparently it's only the kitchen I am not capable of cleaning. The fact everyone who comes in says it's clean gives me hope that it is.
    Dad has unspecified dementia so no idea if that means he had a bit of each type thrown into the equation but the non stop moaning stropiness sulking bad moods is quite unbearable
    I can't remember the last time he was in a good mood, certainly not when I am around and seeing as I live with dad it's draining
  8. maryw

    maryw Registered User

    Nov 16, 2008
    Oh dear, that's not good but I empathise totally as this is how my husband is these days and, yes, they are personal insults if you take them to heart. The trick is never to take anything personally, it is the illness not your Dad. I find it hard to do but it is the best way of coping with it. It is so sad for them to find fault with everything.
  9. honeybears

    honeybears Registered User

    Oct 18, 2014
    Moans & Groans - part of Vascular Dementia

    Hi - just read your post and see that your Dad has vascular dementia as does my Dad and yes, moaning and negativity is an every day occurrence.
    I am having difficulty with my Dad at present all because he had his dementia medication increased after an initial trial - no sooner had he taken the first new tablet and according to him there was a problem yet the symptoms he was experiencing were not the symptoms you would expect from an increase in dosage and we think it is all in his mind. My Dad is so negative about everything, does nothing but moan and complain and he imagines all sorts of scenarios that are so far from the truth you would not believe it - he has come up with every excuse under the sun to explain why he thinks the new tablet is wrong but none of them make any sense and yes I have checked with the Doctor and she has confirmed that his 'symptoms' are highly unlikely to be the cause of the tablet.
    Having read another posting about a lady who felt guilty about not wanting her mother to live with her - I have LPA for my Dad and at the moment, putting him under somebody else's responsibility is a very tempting thought as I don't want to spend my life living with his constant, daily moans and groans.
    My Mum also has Dementia (Alzheimers) and is already in care, yet I have none of the difficulties with her as I do my Dad - I sometimes wish it was round the other way and it was my Dad in care and my Mum at home.:eek:
  10. skaface

    skaface Registered User

    Jul 18, 2011
    My mum has always been a moaner, but I put it down to genetics. One of her aunts was known in the family as Aunt Moaner and she was a truly awful person by all accounts.

    The moaning had just got worse over the years and I can recall a particular time when she had a leak in her roof that she thought was her boiler leaking. That day I had to walk away from her before I did something I would regret because she was just throwing up barrier after barrier to every suggestion I made: it was Easter and I couldn't get someone out to sort it out that day. Obviously it was my fault that there was torrential rain coming down, and that water was likely to ruin her carpet, and obviously she needed to sit up all night watching to see whether it would. And obviously it was my fault that I had to ask her to repeat herself and had to get yelled at for raising my voice when I called out to her to tell her that the water wasn't getting into the kitchen.

    I got home fully expecting to have either a heart attack or a stroke on the way. Since she's been diagnosed she's gradually become a bit nicer but she is still capable of a good old moan, though I don't pay it much attention to it these days as I know she's going to forget about whatever's bothering her within a few minutes.
  11. WORRIER123

    WORRIER123 Registered User

    Oct 1, 2015
    My dad has 'unspecified dementia' so not sure what symptoms come under this or maybe a mix
    Had the tv paper thrown at me tonight because there's nothing on tv and the the magazine is wrong
    Happy days
  12. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Mil asked what the date was this morning, and when I said it was March the 1st, she was pretty on the ball and told me it was her birthday this month - I replied with a smile that yes, her birthday is on the 20th. And as a result of saying that, she had delivered a 5 minute moan about how she is sick of me knowing everything about her, how come she can't have any privacy, and how dare I snoop into her private life to find out when her birthday is. And if she catches whoever it is who has been passing on information about her, to me 'Of all people', she is going to fall out with them.

    And there was me thinking her birthday would be a nice safe, moan free topic!
  13. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    I know exactly how you feel, my mum is always moaning that I know more about her than she does and that I must spend my time snooping.
  14. Bay

    Bay Registered User

    Jul 24, 2014
    I have exactly the same from my OH. He used to be such a positive person but now moans about everything and everybody and, of course, everything is totally my fault! The biggest problem is when he has forgotten something I've told him and moans about that. I've even tried to apologise for forgetting to tell him in the hope that that will work but all it does is fuel his anger even more. It's so difficult to ignore and the total negativity day after day is soul destroying.
  15. Saxonette

    Saxonette Registered User

    Sep 9, 2015

    In May last year my brother and I persuaded Mum (88 Years) and Dad (90 years) to sell their home and move into a "retirement Village". The reason for this persuasion was because their home was ill equipped for their ever increasing problems brought about by old age. There was only one toilet (1st floor), a large garden and a deteriorating property which Dad insisted was OK. Mum had been diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer's and Dad was finding it difficult to cope. Also, Dad had been "convinced" by various door to door salesmen that he needed a repair job on the driveway, his gutters cleaned out, and heaven only knows what else which maybe was kept from us.
    They moved into their flat - new building only completed November 2014 - and purpose built with the elderly in mind.
    The flat is gorgeous - wet room, one bedroom, fully fitted kitchen and fairly large lounge with balcony overlooking a lovely garden with a vast assortment of plants, trees, benches for sitting out and a not very busy road - just enough to sit and watch the world go by.
    Moan 1 - I can't adjust the central heating (why would he need to - it's pre-set at 22 deg C and feels like an oven when you walk in)
    Moan 2 - I don't like cooking with electric. Why can't we have a gas cooker?
    Moan 3 - Where did you get this newsagent from? They only deliver my paper. Everyone else gets theirs from somewhere else.
    Moan 4 - There's never anyone about. Feels like a morgue.
    Moan 5 - It's like a bloody prison with fences all round
    Moan 6 - Why are we on the 4th Floor? I wanted a top floor flat
    Moan 7 - Why does the Bistro downstairs close at 3pm? That's no good for us - we have dinner at 7pm
    Moan 8 - Why do people who aren't disabled park their cars in the disabled bays?
    Moan 9 - Why didn't you get a bigger fridge? It's not big enough and everything goes rotten because the flat is so warm? :confused:
    Moan 10 - I can't cope with mine and your Mum's tablets. I'm sure I forget some
    Moan 11 - Where do I get the washing dried?
    Moan 12 - I miss my garden - I could still manage
    Moan 13 - Why aren't all the flats occupied?
    Moan 14 - I used to like to go for a walk but now I can't
    Moan 15 - I wish people wouldn't keep coming here. I don't know who they are, where they're from. I can't hear what they say and can't remember what they want
    Moan 16 - Your Mum needs to go into a home. I can't cope
    Moan 17 - Your Mum needs to come home - she's my responsibility and I should be looking after her
    Moan 18 - Your Mum needs to be in care - I can't cope
    Moan 19 - Why are these girls (Care team) coming in?
    Moan 20 - I miss the girls coming in
    Moan 21 - Why are these girls coming in?
    Moan 22 - I don't like people coming into the flat without knocking (care team)
    Moan 23 - Your Mother is falling over because the carpet is too thick
    Moan 24 - I'm not joining the garden club. I gave up my garden because you said I couldn't manage it
    Moan 25 - I'm not going to the Bistro for food. I worked away from home and got fed up eating out
    Moan 26 - Your Mother's like this because you don't come here often enough
    Moan 27 - If I can't phone you with problems, then who do I phone (31 out of 48 calls to me over a period, mainly to tell me that Mum won't get up, or eat or drink

    Moan 1 - Where are my fags?
    Moan 2 - Don't make any appointments for me 'cause I'm not going
    Moan 3 - Don't let the girls (care team) in. I don't want them
    Moan 4 - Just leave me alone
    Moan 5 - My hair looks a mess

    The above moans replaced so many others when they were in their old place. It has been going on for 4 years.

    I take holidays or swap days so I can attend appointments with one or the other of them. On many occasions I have sat in A&E for hour upon hour only to find that there is nothing wrong medically with either of them. I have dealt with Rapid Response girls on more than one occasion, together with follow-up appointments. I have made many, many hair appointments for Mum before and after the move and had to cancel because she won't get up or get dressed. She won't go to ANY appointments, doctors, memory clinic, outpatients, hair, etc.

    Mum refuses any assistance from the care team. She won't let them help her get washed or dressed. She won't be encouraged to eat or drink.

    I will end my rant by explaining that I am nearly 67 years old, still work 3 full days a week and have a husband and two sons who I still have to be there for, even though our sons do not live with us. Dealing with a parent suffering with dementia/alzheimer's is awful, but dealing with both is sending me round the bend. I can't visit them and have a nice chat and cup of coffee. I can't go there and clean up because I'm interfering. There is nothing pleasurable about my visits - they are met with moans, groans and complaints about just everything not least that everything I do or say is not good enough.

    Rant over
  16. Saxonette

    Saxonette Registered User

    Sep 9, 2015

    Having had my rant (which helped) and read all the other posts, I have reached a conclusion that dementia/alz doesn't change characters, it merely accentuates the bad ones. Moaners become worse; lazy people get lazier; loud people get louder; miseries get depressive.
    Sarcasm under my breath is clearly the answer. At least it would put a smile on MY face.
  17. WORRIER123

    WORRIER123 Registered User

    Oct 1, 2015
    Saxonette yes I agree
    All the traits dad had are just worse. The moaning the time keeping the rules the control freak the strictness.
    And yes always explicits under my breath
  18. looviloo

    looviloo Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    #38 looviloo, Mar 6, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2016
    I've been reading this thread and can relate to a lot of it. I wish I had some words of wisdom to share, but it's probably the aspect of this disease that I struggle the most with.

    There's no doubt that dad has had some problems during his life, but overall he has a lot to be grateful for... few health problems until the last 10 years or so, job and financial security (in my eyes, he's lived through the best of times), looked after by either his mum, wife or (now) daughter, enjoyed life to the full with plenty of hobbies and indulgences, and can afford a lovely private care home with all his needs catered for.

    But all I get is:
    - this place is like a morgue/prison
    - they won't let me go out on my own (he barely shuffles these days!)
    - there's no privacy, carer's just walk in (not exactly true)
    - I'm fed up of all the tablets (he wasn't taking them at home)
    - when can't I go home? (his house will soon be on the market)
    - is my house the same? is the car ok? why can't I drive? who made that decision? I want you to write to the DVLA and get my license reinstated....
    - someone's pinching my clothes... can you check my name's in them... I don't want to send anything to the laundry, it never comes back (we go through this every visit)
    - I'm bored/lonely (despite regular activities and lovely carers; refuses when I offer to bring something for him to do, and even tries to make me take away the few picture books that he has with him)

    He gets into a loop about things, and obsesses. At the moment, it's his clothes and laundry, and we have to take everything out of the wardrobe and count them each time I see him. Dad's always been a worrier but his anxiety is particularly bad now. Maybe I need to speak to his GP? But it's the moaning that really gets me down... I often come away feeling depressed!

    It's good to know we're not alone ;-)
  19. WORRIER123

    WORRIER123 Registered User

    Oct 1, 2015
    Looviloo, yes I feel constantly fed up of the moaning and moods day in day out
    He says what a life. I think you've had a great life holidays financially ok nice home and my life is on hold. You are 87 and I feel like a prisoner in my own home lately

    If only there was a solution to it all. When dad was in hospital all the dementia patients were total opposite to the point of being funny in what they did or say

    Oh well ...
  20. Selinacroft

    Selinacroft Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    Saxonette and Looviloo
    At least we are finding we are not alone in dealing with this. Who knows what they are really thinking. After a day of full on moans, I texted my brother having a whinge and he said that when he came to visit Dad, Dad had been saying to him how much he missed me when I went out (something he would never ever say to me!) and dad was talking to a healthcare professional the other day who was singing my praises , but I heard Dad heartily agreeing with her through the closed door). As we often hear it is the nearest and dearest that take the brunt of the moaning.
    My moan for the day (I'm allowed to have one to!) is that when brother and SIL visit, Dad is on best behaviour and I swear blind they think I am making the dementia thing up completely and blame it all on his poor hearing and eyesight.

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