1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Selinacroft

    Selinacroft Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    937
    #1 Selinacroft, Feb 23, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2016
    Is anyone else up against continuous moaning?
    Typical, moaning about carer, moaning about porridge (nothing wrong with it but made badly), moaning about cheque book not having balance where he thought it should be (in the middle of a chq!) , moaning about me watching tv ( because he needs to concentrate on eating) , moaning the tv channels have moved and aren't in the right place (they are fine) , Moaning I've taken over the tv control and he has handed it to me looking lost. I don't get any normal conversation between the moans- just one after another, either because I'm in or I've been out, getting under his feet or ignoring him.
    This one takes the biscuit- I reminded him his pudding was going cold and he told me to stop moaning!
    Seems to be a quite significant increase in decline in last few weeks spiralling downwards. How long does this stage last and what comes next?
    Vascular Dementia
     
  2. CrystalWand

    CrystalWand Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    18
    Hi Selinacroft
    Sorry, I'm afraid I don't have experience of constant moaning although MIL does moan regularly that no-one ever visits her (couldn't be further from the truth but that's dementia :( )
    She is worse if she has a UTI, has he been checked for this? Just a thought
    xx
     
  3. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    My mum doesn't exactly moan, but if being negative were an Olympic sport mum would bring home the gold medal every time. I have to say mum has always been a negative force to be reckoned with, but her illness has strengthened this trait so much.

    Mum can have a really nice day, she can have gone to her lunch club, like today, she can admit she enjoyed herself, but she has to qualify that by saying, but it's too expensive. She can go out with friends (they know about her Alzheimers and are really good to her), but they are a right pair of c*ws who barely speak to her, in fact she claims they ignore her. I know it's not true.

    I find it very tiring, everyone needs to feel there is a little sunshine in their lives, mum has no sunshine in hers (never has had much though to be fair) and she has sapped most of the sunshine for me too.

    Sorry Selina, I sound a right moaner!

    Lavender x
     
  4. WORRIER123

    WORRIER123 Registered User

    Oct 1, 2015
    1,174
    Your post made me think you were talking about my dad
    Diagnosed with 'unspecified dementia' but constant moaning as you say about the carers and the tv the adverts the tv magazine the weather and me
    I spend my time searching for a tv programme dad likes preferably with no adverts or I get the blame for the choice
    All the programmes he like and celebrities he suddenly hates
    I know it's the illness but agree it's so draining
     
  5. Candlelight 67

    Candlelight 67 Registered User

    Nov 4, 2013
    167
    West Sussex
    Ringing bells for me

    Oh yes I know about the moaning. I even had a set of TV controls thrown at me complete with moans yesterday

    My mother is convinced her TV is stuck, its not. Everyday she has even seen the news before it breaks.

    You all have my sympathy it is so draining. Sometimes compassionate communication helps sometimes not. It is the illness and a phase.
     
  6. WORRIER123

    WORRIER123 Registered User

    Oct 1, 2015
    1,174
    Candlelight at least I only had the tv paper thrown at me The breaking news is all repeats. We'd make a fortune with a dementia channel with no adverts and old time music the odd film and a bit of comedy. I'd subscribe just to see a smile
     
  7. Candlelight 67

    Candlelight 67 Registered User

    Nov 4, 2013
    167
    West Sussex
    Worrier 123. I love the idea of a Dementia channel. I have a feeling it would have many subscribers. My mother included:mad:;):D
     
  8. WORRIER123

    WORRIER123 Registered User

    Oct 1, 2015
    1,174
    I did google it and I am sure there is a channel in the USA you can subscribe too
    Someone suggested DVDs etc but easier to have a channel that just runs 24/7
    Come on sky or Virgin
     
  9. Selinacroft

    Selinacroft Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    937
    Great idea but I think the channels would all need to be personalised. Dad's channel would be Millionaire, Bullseye , Blockbuster, Pointless and The Chase .
    Perhaps a spoonful of Walt Disney.
    He doesn't actually do the quiz programs , just has them on the background. Apparently he has gone off antique programs and they are all my choice when I am hogging his TV.
    I think Bargain Hunt has been on BBC 1 at 12.15 for the last decade or more but he can't remember when it starts or how to get it on the TV, and then he asks me if it's Flog it or one of the others. Today he kept waving the control at the tv trying to "find it" when it was already on.
    How long does this moaning "phase" last I wonder?
    Haven't had anything thrown at me yet but I don't think it will be long:(
     
  10. WORRIER123

    WORRIER123 Registered User

    Oct 1, 2015
    1,174
    I would need Murder She Wrote, the good old days, throw in a bit of Fred Astaire and Frank Sinatra, a western or 2 and no adverts !
     
  11. Pegsdaughter

    Pegsdaughter Registered User

    Oct 7, 2014
    129
    London
    Your place in the country. Any cooking programme , strictly, dogs and monkeys and endless repeats of Qi and for some reason university challenge


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  12. Candlelight 67

    Candlelight 67 Registered User

    Nov 4, 2013
    167
    West Sussex
    I have no idea what my mother would like on her Dementia channel. Definetly not Sky News or Bargain Hunt. Perhaps an old comedy. Dads Army but that would be my choice.
     
  13. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,293
    SW London
    My mother would have enjoyed an endless replay of a documentary series about colossally fat Americans. She was riveted every time - it was, 'Dear oh dear!' over and over. God knows why I never thought to record it for her. I think she might have liked The Sound Of Music in between.
     
  14. Hair Twiddler

    Hair Twiddler Registered User

    Aug 14, 2012
    879
    Middle England
    Witzend this made me laugh. Mum loves Jeremy Kyle (so many episodes...so many repeats) she is particularly fond of the U.S. shows. :) But often when I'm reading or sitting doing something other than watching I'll be told to stop being so rude and watch this as "You will learn something!!!" mmm:rolleyes:
     
  15. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701
    We have had periods of weeks where Mil moans and complains non-stop, and you have all my sympathy because it is so darn depressing to deal with. When she is in that frame of mind, its starts when she wakes with "Why are you waking me up now, I haven't slept all night, my backs aching, I don't want to go to work, its too early, nobody likes me in work, they don't want me there, I don't like it, I need to stay in bed . . .. In the bathroom we move on to the room being too cold, the water being too hot or cold, the flannel being too rough or too wet, the towel being too big/small/rough/damp/too heavy/the wrong colour. If I wash her hair, she complains that there is no need for me to get the skin on her head wet too. Breakfast and there is not enough porridge or toast, porridge needs salt/sugar, toast is either too brown or under-done and the tea is too weak/strong/cold/hot. You simply can't win, and the whole day can continue in that manner, with absolutely nothing being right and no matter what you or anyone else does for her, its never good enough and she constantly implies that anyone/everyone is being nasty or unkind to her.

    All I can tell you is that these periods of moaning misery, in my experience, tend to come and go. Its been a while now since Mil has been quite such a Dolly Doldrums, but I have no doubt that as long as she can talk, we will get it again. If you can just manage to tune out the moaning, it helps (though easier said than done and I for one am not always successful) and my other trick is to think (but not say) sarcastic replies in my head - naughty, but it does relieve your feelings on occasion.

    Good luck xxxx
     
  16. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    442
    My mum moans about everything. She's been left to starve - ten minutes after eating her dinner. She has no food, straight after being shown the boxes of cake on the kitchen table. She has no money in her purse -just after we've checked it's all there again. Her lunch club bus has forgotten her, when it's on time. Someone's stolen her keys, round her neck all the time. She is very lonely , forgetting she's just slammed the door any visitors.
    The worst is her constant moaning no one comes to see her or do anything for her even as we're doing personal care, cleaning, washing, and just keeping her company.

    I like the idea of dementia TV, my mum's would just show the Wizard of Oz, Gone with the Wind, the Sound of Music and Rebecca on an endless loop!
     
  17. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    It's definitely part of the illness and with my father went on until he was too ill/far gone to communicate much. :( My brother used to say in exasperation: 'Why does it have to make them negative and complaining?' By the end not even distraction worked. It's very wearing but perhaps knowing that you're not alone in your experience will help a bit. *hug*
     
  18. maryw

    maryw Registered User

    Nov 16, 2008
    3,805
    Surrey
    I can almost anticipate the moans. Hate the negativity but I know I can't change it, so staying positive is top of the agenda, hard though it is! My coping mechanisms are agreeing, distraction, walking away and focussing on all things I am grateful for..... Hard, and you just have to remind yourself to keep on track.
     
  19. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,293
    SW London
    #19 Witzend, Feb 24, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2016
    Funny you should mention Rebecca. My mother's dementia was already mid stage when I took this round, thinking she might like it (she had almost certainly read the book and seen the film many years previously). But I was still really surprised at tht stage when she seemed to follow it intently, and said she knew exactly how the young bride felt, being nervous of everything and everyone, and doing daft or gauche things out of shyness and lack of confidence. (She had been similar when young, and TBH never 100% grew out of it).
     
  20. TooHard

    TooHard Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    109
    This is a club that I can join!

    I like the idea of moaning and negativity as competitive sports! Mum would definitely be in the running for medals!

    Dementia TV...brilliant: a mix of daytime BBC1 and ITV3 with Eggheads, Mastermind and University Challenge thrown in. Mum can't work the remote control properly so I got her a Flipper as recommended on here but she can't work that either so she misses all her favourite programmes!
     

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