Incandescent with rage -- Memory Clinic

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Boldredrosie, Aug 13, 2015.

  1. Boldredrosie

    Boldredrosie Registered User

    Mar 13, 2012
    Three members of the memory clinic came to the house yesterday without letting me know (which I was told they would) and while I was at work. One of the carers happened to be here, by chance otherwise my mum would have been on her own.
    The carer, who's known mum for many years, said the doctor (who has met mum once before at the clinic in June) was very aggressive. Said his opening gambit was "Your daughter wants to sell the house and put you in a home." Was dismissive and rude to the carer, didn't listen or accept anything the carer said about mum's decline and the difficulty she and her colleagues had in getting mum to eat, wash, dress etc. And left within ten minutes saying, "I'm not signing the forms to put her in a home."
    The care company is going to complain to the memory clinic for the way the carer was spoken to and I think I'll probably put in a formal complaint but wondered if anyone had any advice.
    The issue isn't that they haven't found her lacking capacity, the issue is coming to the house with a pre-formed idea of what he was going to say, being rude, upsetting everybody and convinced I'm the wicked daughter who's after her mother's cash -- whereas I'm an exhausted daughter, clearly on the verge of a breakdown who would like to spend her mother's money on her mother's care in a top-notch facility with people who are trained to look after the frail elderly with dementia.
    Advice welcome.
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Good grief. How awful. Sorry no advice but totally agree that a complaint is in order. I'm glad the care company will complain as well.
  3. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    Near Southampton
    Why do some people become doctors?
    Seemingly not because they are compassionate.
    Whatever his personal thoughts, he had no right to say those things in front of such a vulnerable person as your mother.

    Also, at what stage do some become so arrogant?
    He should have learnt more about tact and politeness and listened to the carer.
    I'm glad the care company will complain and I would too. x
  4. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    OMG, that is awful! Thank god your mum wasn't there by herself! Complain to everyone possible!

    I would be tempted to go down to the memory clinic and give that doctor a kick in the nuts. He'd "remember" that.

  5. Boldredrosie

    Boldredrosie Registered User

    Mar 13, 2012
    Now, now...
  6. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    I'm livid for you both too!!!!!!!!!!
    How appalling that anyone could be so crass - but that this is a doctor who has (I guess) chosen to specialise in this field is shocking. So much for person centred 'care'.
    I hope that your mother has no recollection of the visit - if she had told you about it, without the evidence of her carer you may well have thought she was mistaken. Thank goodness the carer was present and can act as her spokesperson and witness. The doctor needs re-training at least - sadly empathy implants aren't available.

    On another note, and rather tentatively - are you implying that the finding will be that your mother does have capacity or at least doesn't lack capacity - which could open the way to her being able to agree to a house sale herself? and to giving you LPA for Health and Welfare?
    Sorry if this is way off track.
  7. beverrino

    beverrino Registered User

    Jan 12, 2015
    how dreadful. I totally don't understand some doctors. Surely they should have some understanding of dementia before going to assess someone - especially without your presence. I am so shocked by this - and the attitude!!!
    Your poor Mum - she doesn't need or deserve that. I hope you get somewhere with your complaint
  8. Boldredrosie

    Boldredrosie Registered User

    Mar 13, 2012
    No recollection whatsoever and yes they're going to find she has capacity eventhough in 2013 different consultant from same clinic said she didn't. And yes, they can't have it both ways, if she's got capacity she can participate fully in selling the house and choosing where she lives (my eye!)
  9. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    That is awful behaviour. As others have said, it's a wonder why some people become doctors specialising in memory issues!

    I would definitely be complaining about such behaviour; whatever happened to dignity and respect? Did anything positive come out of the appointment?

    I am glad the care company is going to complain.
  10. Vix321

    Vix321 Registered User

    Mar 24, 2015
    That's awful. You are right to complain.

    It's been handled so badly. How distressing for your mother to have a group of people turn up unexpectedly. It's fortunate the carer was there to be able to feed back to you.
  11. LizzyA

    LizzyA Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    Near Reading
    What a nightmare. Too many of these people about. We've had idiots tell us that mum scored 10/10 in a memory test and is therefore ok. That's because they asked her about WW2. Ask her what she had for breakfast!!

    Glad that the care company are complaining as they will be seen as independent. I've become a serial complainer since mum's diagnosis as I hope they'll learn from it.

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