Inappropriate suggestions

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Hazel P, Aug 10, 2019.

  1. Hazel P

    Hazel P New member

    Oct 30, 2018
    My father has started saying inappropriate things to me, usually towards the end of a short visit. Things like “can you leave me a pair of dirty knickers “ or knocking on the door and saying “I was hoping to catch you putting your knickers on”. I respond calmly and firmly, reminding him that it’s not appropriate and that I’m his daughter. But it upsets me so much, on many levels. I guess I’d like to know whether others experience this too?
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Im afraid that inappropriate comments are part and parcel of dementia - they have no filters left on their thoughts, so they tend to say things as they think them. You dad will also forget that you are his daughter and all he sees is a pretty female, so this is quite common. It is also quite common for widowers with dementia to confuse their daughter with their late wife.

    It is understandably upsetting. Has there been a recent change in his medication? Sometimes medication given for dementia (the main culprit is Aricept/donepezil) can trigger this off, but if not I believe that there is other medication that can dampen this down. Contact his GP about it.
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006

    I helped care for a neighbour. He was the type of gentleman who never went out without wearing a shirt, tie and jacket and he always raised his hat when he met anyone in the street.

    As his dementia progressed he started to use what I can only call barrack room language. It was quite shocking and he would have been horrified to hear himself in earlier days.

    This kind of personal language from your father @hazelp must be even more shocking and I can only suggest you seek advice on strategies for coping.
  4. Hazel P

    Hazel P New member

    Oct 30, 2018
    Thank you for the comments , it’s reassuring to be told this is a familiar feature of the disease progression. Good comment on coping strategies too. I’m surprised how hurt the comments make me feel.
  5. Juliematch

    Juliematch Registered User

    Jun 24, 2017
    My dad was very inappropriate to me.I found it very difficult as he had lived with us for 12 years,since my mum died.When signs of dementia and then diagnosis of Lewy body happened I didn’t know what to do.I couldn’t bring myself to tell my husband about his behaviour and felt so out of my depth.Thats when I joined TP and found out I was not the only one going through this.It helps if you can say to yourself it’s the dementia not my dad that is saying these things.Due to other problems he went into a care home in January and his behaviour has carried on with the female residents.Hes not seeing elderly people ,he thinks they are young .One lady( must be well in her eighties) is apparently only there to have babies for everyone else. I still get some problems ( I’ve heard things a daughter should never know about her parents ) but I can distance myself now and it’s thanks to TP friends that I can do this.
  6. Glokta

    Glokta Registered User

    Jul 22, 2019
    My mum has recently started spitting. It’s a behaviour she has always loathed in others and would never do were she in her right mind. She also swears now when she has never done this before. I feel so disgusted about it but I keep saying to myself that it’s the dementia not her. Sadly, it helps more when I’m not with her.
  7. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    Sometimes it is the medication that can make a person spit..
  8. Glokta

    Glokta Registered User

    Jul 22, 2019
    There’s been no medication change in the last year and she did not do this three months ago.
  9. Hazel P

    Hazel P New member

    Oct 30, 2018
    thank you for sharing this. Me Too! It’s awful, isn’t it, because I don’t want to share the information with anyone else, and that makes it harder to deal with. Thanks to friends at TP for making this easier.
  10. Glokta

    Glokta Registered User

    Jul 22, 2019
    #10 Glokta, Aug 11, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2019
    It’s amazing that reading the posts on here and replying to a few has really reduced my stress levels. I don’t feel alone now I realise others have the same issues. You can get some really good ideas and tips too. The worst thing is I feel ashamed if people have to go into the house, and I get angry with myself because it’s not my house, it’s not my behaviour. But I feel so loyal, I want to protect her from the gaze, and possible scorn of other people. It’s Catch 22.
  11. Peter123

    Peter123 New member

    Jun 1, 2019
    My wife has FTD and I have just noticed her spitting on the floor. I asked her why and she didn't think she had, but that's not unusual with her condition. I have seen some small wet spots before on the bedroom carpet but I mistakenly thought it was something to do with incontinence.
  12. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hello @Peter123
    just to offer a warm welcome to DTP
    I hope you'll continue sharing your experiences with this supportive community
  13. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    My dad was always telling people that young girls were flashing their knickers at him he would be furious! He would also shout things like look at the fat a*** on her! And the things he said about the colour of peoples skin would get a sane person locked up!

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