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Inappropriate comments

Linbrusco

Registered User
Mar 4, 2013
1,606
Auckland...... New Zealand
I know its part and parcel of Alzheimer's, and when Mum makes a comment about someones appearance in particular, we can make some offhand remark and then distract her.
But the other day when talking about her younger brother who is a functioning alcoholic, Mum said " she felt like stabbing him with a knife".
We were all quite taken aback and shocked, and told her not to say things like that.

Thankfully she doesn't see him all to often :eek:

What do you do and say when a comment is made like that?
 

Grey Lad

Registered User
Sep 12, 2014
5,736
North East Lincs
I know its part and parcel of Alzheimer's, and when Mum makes a comment about someones appearance in particular, we can make some offhand remark and then distract her.
But the other day when talking about her younger brother who is a functioning alcoholic, Mum said " she felt like stabbing him with a knife".
We were all quite taken aback and shocked, and told her not to say things like that.

Thankfully she doesn't see him all to often :eek:

What do you do and say when a comment is made like that?
That's a hard one to answer. I tend to let the confabulations and the relatively harmless comments go. However, I react to personal attacks especially when they are malicious. None of this goes so well because if I challenge then it is dismissed as a joke or leads to unpleasantness. So if it is out of earshot and cannot do damage than it may be better to let it all go.
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
12,813
England
I think treat it like the other remarks, a quick remark like "that's a bit drastic" and then a change of subject to something you know she likes. Lifting her 'low thoughts' is good if you can manage it, not always easy though.
 

MrsMoose

Registered User
Oct 1, 2014
152
I think the dis-inhibition is quite interesting. I think an awful lot of us have strongly negative thoughts about family members at time - but we just know it isn't acceptable to voice these feelings. And we also attempt to balance them with more 'reasonable' points of view.

My impulse would be to say. 'As long as you don't do it.' 'Yes, but you wouldn't enjoy prison food.' Something like that. So the feeling is acknowledged, but not taken ultra-seriously.
 

Grey Lad

Registered User
Sep 12, 2014
5,736
North East Lincs
I think the dis-inhibition is quite interesting. I think an awful lot of us have strongly negative thoughts about family members at time - but we just know it isn't acceptable to voice these feelings. And we also attempt to balance them with more 'reasonable' points of view.

My impulse would be to say. 'As long as you don't do it.' 'Yes, but you wouldn't enjoy prison food.' Something like that. So the feeling is acknowledged, but not taken ultra-seriously.
Very sound thinking and a great improvement on my early morning post. G L
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing from elderly relatives who don't even have dementia? OH's old aunt was terrible. She would say disparaging things at the top of her voice, e.g. 'SO MANY BLACKS AROUND HERE NOW!' - within a couple of yards of a black person, and, 'WHY DOES THAT WAITRESS WEAR SUCH A SHORT SKIRT WITH LEGS LIKE THAT?' - just feet away from waitress in question.

It was a relief when we finally stopped taking her out to lunch - it had been moan moan moan anyway, everything was too hot, too cold, too tough, too sloppy, they don't know how to make pastry any more, you name it - I would take something simple to cook at her flat, instead. Mince, mash, carrots, peas, only I had to pretend the peas weren't frozen since anything 'not fresh' was to her the work of the devil. And I did once decant some M&S canned mince into a Tupperware and pretend I had made it myself...
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,591
Yorkshire
My MIL is starting to make up stories, particularly hurtful ones about her oldest daughter, as well as fabricating details of her own 'spying activities' during the war (when she was a little girl, so they're definitely not true!). For some reason, she's convinced I went to school with Michael Foot, (born in 1913 :D)

My OH is going to have a word with the CH manager next time he is down to alert her to this, as MIL can seem so plausible most of the time, there's a danger that mud sticks.
 

Grace L

Registered User
Jun 14, 2014
647
NW UK
Funny... but not .... :eek::

MiL has been making comments on others for years, even before Alz was confirmed.

One time we had sat down (niece, her 2 young kids, me, another SiL), for a pub lunch.
MiL liked this pub before, quiet ... right atmosphere etc.

We had ordered food, soft drinks.... then MiL spotted another waitress (not ours)
and decided that she couldn't 'possibly stay a moment longer'.... as the waitress had
her boobs on display for all to see ... (Low cut t-shirt)

Followed my a comment about her general size.... and then she just got up and left.
We looked at each other.... wondering what the heck?
and there is MiL standing in the car park , arms folded... waiting by the car.

MiL refused to come back inside, and said this woman had 'put her off her food'.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
Funny... but not .... :eek::

MiL has been making comments on others for years, even before Alz was confirmed.

One time we had sat down (niece, her 2 young kids, me, another SiL), for a pub lunch.
MiL liked this pub before, quiet ... right atmosphere etc.

We had ordered food, soft drinks.... then MiL spotted another waitress (not ours)
and decided that she couldn't 'possibly stay a moment longer'.... as the waitress had
her boobs on display for all to see ... (Low cut t-shirt)

Followed my a comment about her general size.... and then she just got up and left.
We looked at each other.... wondering what the heck?
and there is MiL standing in the car park , arms folded... waiting by the car.

MiL refused to come back inside, and said this woman had 'put her off her food'.
Oh, dear that did make me laugh.
Did you all up and leave, or just leave her to stew in the car park?
 

Kjn

Registered User
Jul 27, 2013
5,835
My mil comments on everyone loudly and doesn't even have dementia or alz :eek:

Usually weight related ...look at the size of her
Size of him
Look at the food they're eating, no wonder they're fat:eek:
 

kingybell

Registered User
Feb 3, 2015
115
I get this too from my mil. It's worse when they are young (57) but looks 10 yrs younger.
I a swear someone will hit her one day.
She hates dyed red hair and cannot understand why anyone would have it.
She uses 'n' word to describe black people.

All of which prior to ftd she would have never said.
In her head I think it must be the 70s again
 

Grace L

Registered User
Jun 14, 2014
647
NW UK
I shouldn't chuckle , but its funny reading others comments.....

Wizend.... yep, we all had to up and leave... and PAY for the food we didn't eat.
Kids were not eating , one a baby, and one a toddler who was going to have a little off our plates.

We generally try and seat/ place MiL where she does not have view of anyone ...

She also has this flipping annoying habit of waiting till we have ordered food, then order hers.
If she does not like hers..... she will try someone else's, and if she does not like that
she will try another ....

If you tell her.... if you don't like what you have ordered then we will order you another meal.....
She usually replies ... she does not want to bother, then she can just have one of ours !!
Even if you have the same food (fish and chips), she will prefer what is on someone else's plate to hers.

MiL has been know to say.... OOOhhh you are a fat one aren't you? to the waitress.

I wont go out (for a meal) on my own with MiL... I get my lovely niece to help me.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
I shouldn't chuckle , but its funny reading others comments.....

Wizend.... yep, we all had to up and leave... and PAY for the food we didn't eat.
Kids were not eating , one a baby, and one a toddler who was going to have a little off our plates.

We generally try and seat/ place MiL where she does not have view of anyone ...

She also has this flipping annoying habit of waiting till we have ordered food, then order hers.
If she does not like hers..... she will try someone else's, and if she does not like that
she will try another ....

If you tell her.... if you don't like what you have ordered then we will order you another meal.....
She usually replies ... she does not want to bother, then she can just have one of ours !!
Even if you have the same food (fish and chips), she will prefer what is on someone else's plate to hers.

MiL has been know to say.... OOOhhh you are a fat one aren't you? to the waitress.

I wont go out (for a meal) on my own with MiL... I get my lovely niece to help me.
OH's aunt was much the same - we would order something different from what she had, something we thought she'd like, so we could offer to swap. But even if we did she would still complain - she was terribly fussy about her food and HAD to have it dead on time. My FIL was much the same so I think their mother must have told them that if you didn't have your (freshly cooked) lunch at bang on 12.30 every day you would sicken and die, or something.

FIL once threw a really violent rage because his lunch was a minute or two past 12.30. Mind you I was glad of that one since for once OH was there to witness it - until then I don't think he'd really believed me about how bad they were.