Dear TP friends,
Yesterday, in spite, of prayer meditation and listening to my daily Richard Rohr podcast, my tone of voice in the early morning with Nick was one of annoyance. Once we had our hike in the mountains, and picked wild raspberries and strawberries, I was less ugly….that is the way it works for me. Most of the rest of the day I paid little or no attention to Nick. I know the walks in nature really help me to get rid of the tone of voice and make me more human with him. But there is so little love, just duty and promises. Then I just get on with my own day.
Yesterday, my brother, John, called me to discuss Carolyn’s (my baby sister in New Orleans, who has Huntington's Disease) carehome. It is no longer allowing the visitors outside on the patio because of the Covid19. You may remember TP friends, three of my siblings suffer from the Huntingtons disease themselves. (All three are in carehomes now) Blessedly, I do not have the disease, nor am I a carrier. As there has been a spike in COVID cases in Louisiana restrictions are again in place in the carehome. So, anyway he was visiting with Carolyn thru a glass plate door and another patient ( a big man) hauled off and hit her in the head. The attendant was on the other side of the room. Carolyn was knocked to the floor. John was so upset ,he went to see the manager of the home immediately, who explained that the patients are upset by the visits to other patients. (Who knows these patients all have dementia and other horrible problems) That our sweet, little, defenseless baby sister who can barely walk, barely communicate and is devastated physically and emotionally by Huntington's is subject to physical violence in such a place is a hard to hear of and hard to accept. I have to face that violence in carehomes is a real possibility. But I know that Carolyn’s boys (who are now young men and took care of their mother at home for 5 years after their father died) needed to get on with their lives and it is not anyone’s fault, but I am so very very sad for her. She has always been a gentle sweet soul. How do I deal with this, I must give her safety and care over to God. As there is nothing I can to do to change her situation. Why she must be in such a state, have such a terrible disease and such a difficult life is hard to understand. How is this part a greater plan and what good does it do for her to suffer so. So, when I am rough with Nick or speak to him in a nasty tone of voice I must remember that caring for him is a responsibility to him, to his family and to our children.... I must keep trying to do my very best at it.
One way is to give him a hug and try to express again the love I once felt for him…..it must still be in there somewhere.
I have shed a few tears this morning ……mostly for Carolyn, not for me. But once again I feel the weight of God’s plans and I feel I am trudging again. I do not expect a straight line of consistent emotional stability and I long ago gave up the concept of constant happiness. I am grateful for the moments of joy. I do have when I am with my children, my grandchildren, my dear friends and in nature. May I be aware of joy today….and may my siblings, especially my two sisters, feel my love for them from a distance. I fear that I may never get to USA to see them again.
My life is so good, especially when compared to my suffering husband's situation and my afflicted siblings. I will do my best to make Nick's life as good as it can be today. By helping him, I sustain integrity and can live with myself. For now
Yesterday, in spite, of prayer meditation and listening to my daily Richard Rohr podcast, my tone of voice in the early morning with Nick was one of annoyance. Once we had our hike in the mountains, and picked wild raspberries and strawberries, I was less ugly….that is the way it works for me. Most of the rest of the day I paid little or no attention to Nick. I know the walks in nature really help me to get rid of the tone of voice and make me more human with him. But there is so little love, just duty and promises. Then I just get on with my own day.
Yesterday, my brother, John, called me to discuss Carolyn’s (my baby sister in New Orleans, who has Huntington's Disease) carehome. It is no longer allowing the visitors outside on the patio because of the Covid19. You may remember TP friends, three of my siblings suffer from the Huntingtons disease themselves. (All three are in carehomes now) Blessedly, I do not have the disease, nor am I a carrier. As there has been a spike in COVID cases in Louisiana restrictions are again in place in the carehome. So, anyway he was visiting with Carolyn thru a glass plate door and another patient ( a big man) hauled off and hit her in the head. The attendant was on the other side of the room. Carolyn was knocked to the floor. John was so upset ,he went to see the manager of the home immediately, who explained that the patients are upset by the visits to other patients. (Who knows these patients all have dementia and other horrible problems) That our sweet, little, defenseless baby sister who can barely walk, barely communicate and is devastated physically and emotionally by Huntington's is subject to physical violence in such a place is a hard to hear of and hard to accept. I have to face that violence in carehomes is a real possibility. But I know that Carolyn’s boys (who are now young men and took care of their mother at home for 5 years after their father died) needed to get on with their lives and it is not anyone’s fault, but I am so very very sad for her. She has always been a gentle sweet soul. How do I deal with this, I must give her safety and care over to God. As there is nothing I can to do to change her situation. Why she must be in such a state, have such a terrible disease and such a difficult life is hard to understand. How is this part a greater plan and what good does it do for her to suffer so. So, when I am rough with Nick or speak to him in a nasty tone of voice I must remember that caring for him is a responsibility to him, to his family and to our children.... I must keep trying to do my very best at it.
One way is to give him a hug and try to express again the love I once felt for him…..it must still be in there somewhere.
I have shed a few tears this morning ……mostly for Carolyn, not for me. But once again I feel the weight of God’s plans and I feel I am trudging again. I do not expect a straight line of consistent emotional stability and I long ago gave up the concept of constant happiness. I am grateful for the moments of joy. I do have when I am with my children, my grandchildren, my dear friends and in nature. May I be aware of joy today….and may my siblings, especially my two sisters, feel my love for them from a distance. I fear that I may never get to USA to see them again.
My life is so good, especially when compared to my suffering husband's situation and my afflicted siblings. I will do my best to make Nick's life as good as it can be today. By helping him, I sustain integrity and can live with myself. For now