in the middle


Registered User
Jul 11, 2007
Hi All,
I hope I don't come over as too much of a whinger, I am feeling upset about my situation and I can't seem to see a way out of my problem. Any suggestions or support would be really appreciated.
As in my previous posts my mum will not accept going into residential respite,mum has lived with us for 2 years, has dementia and is high care level, the only time she has been away from my hubby and myself was 2 weeks last may , and has not stopped telling people what a hell hole she was in . ( which was totally untrue) she was placed in respite because I was suffering from stress.
I feel as though I am in the middle because my hubby ( who has been really understandng and helpfull) has said a few times how nice it would be to have the house to ourselves once in a while.
As much as we love mum deeply ,she seems to be there the whole time hubby is home ,every evening and every weekend. I can see his point of veiw but I can't hurt mum's feelings either.
Having no other siblings to help care for mum and the fact she refuses to go to stay with any of her few friends overnight the problem seems to have no happy ending.
I find it hard at times to spread myself around between the two people that mean so much to me.
thank you for listening to me..

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Paris,

I understand the predicament you are in and no, you are not a whinger.

I had my grandmother live with us, without Alzheimers, just old age, and we didn`t have a minute to ourselves either. It puts such a strain on a marriage.

But I could discuss the issue with my grandmother by asking her to give us a bit of space. She was totally independent and would have a week or so in a `convalescent home`.

Your mother is beyond reasoning, that`s the difficulty. And if she`s highly dependent, it makes it even harder for you.

So you are goning to need to apply `tough love`. Book her into respite care for your own health. Refuse to discuss it, as it won`t be a rational discussion. And when she complains, tell her you are doing your best.

I know it won`t be as easy as I`m making it out to be. But you are doing all you can and more, by having her live with you, you and your husband deserve a break.

I hope you can do it.

Love xx


Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
Newport, Gwent
Hi Paris

So you are goning to need to apply `tough love`. Book her into respite care for your own health. Refuse to discuss it, as it won`t be a rational discussion. And when she complains, tell her you are doing your best.

I agree 100%. You have been amazing, and you truly do deserve a break. You need to take care of your own health, and you deserve to have quality family time on your own without of the pressure of being a carer.

Deep breath, then organise it.



Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
I agree too. You have done so much for your mum, and you mustn't risk your marriage.

Book her in for respite for a couple of weeks, and have some quality time with your husband. It's not selfish, or cruel. Your stab'e relationship with your husband will give you the strength to carry on caring.

No, you're not a whinger, you're in a difficult position, and you've come to the right place for support.



Registered User
Mar 20, 2007
Hello Pari07

No you are not a Whinger and I understand your situation as mine is the same.
The only difference is you are a year ahead of me.
My partner and I get no quality time together, he comes home from work to me, my mum and the Dog.

We have no private life and talk in whispers, Mum has fantastic hearing and has become VERY nosey and critical.

Mum has been going to Day Care ( every Wedneaday 10am-5pm) since April, the first few times were a battle and she has missed the odd one, but it did prepare her for the week respite ( at a different home) in June.

We (just me and Paul) are going SOMWHERE, ANYWHERE for a few days on September 1st and Mumis going to the same Home as before.
We will not tell her until the day before as it's not worth all the tantrums.

I must add, that Paul is a wonderful, understanding and supportive man who plays dominoes with Mum makes her laugh and looks after her when 2 of my 4 grown up kids take me out on a Saturday afternoon. We do have conversations about having the house to ourselves, that's why I asked SS to arrange Respite.

I am seriously contemplating a more regular ongoing like you, we love Mum VERY much and it will give us ( me and Paul) time for US.
I suppose it's about balancing other relationships too, partner, children, grandchildren, other family members and of course ( for me ) friends.
I sometimes feel there's not enough of ME to go round.

Hope you are keeping yourself well, it can be VERY hard at times but LOVE is the most powerful emotion.

Take Care Bye for now
Janetruth x


Registered User
Mar 27, 2004
Dear Paris
I totally agree with the others, no matter how much you love your parents, (and there is no doubt about your love for your mum,) your own family must take precedence.

Without respite the stress becomes overpowering and both you and your husband will have problems, and eventually you may not be able to care for your mum anyway. It is I'm afraid, a case of choosing the lesser of two evils, the temporary hassle of putting mum into respite, or the possible breakdown of health and marital harmony. It sounds a bit harsh, but life for carers is harsh and often requires us to make difficult decisions and then live with them.

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic, I am not, only being realistic.

Cheers Frank


Registered User
Jan 29, 2006
Oh Paris I so understand how you feel.

I have looked after my mum for almost two and a half years since my father suddenly died. There is just me, mum and my partner at home and in those two years I have had one week away from mum and that was last July. I finally decided that I had to ask for respite because caring was putting a strain on our relationship, Mum is now going into respite for a week next week and although that starts another rollercoaster of emotions I really am looking forward to some quality time with my partner. It’s the little things that we miss, a bike ride, a pub quiz, going out on impulse but I’m sure that after a week we will feel refreshed and feel able to carry on.

Your NOT a whinger Paris, there’s no doubt that you love your mum very much because if you didn’t the decision wouldn’t be so hard but you love your husband too and you owe it to yourselves to have some quality time together.

Once you have made the initial phone call to the SW I promise you will feel a weight lifted from your shoulders. And I wouldn’t worry about not having any siblings to help out, because I have 7 and they are about as much use as a chocolate teapot!

Let us know how you get on.


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
So you are goning to need to apply `tough love`. Book her into respite care for your own health. Refuse to discuss it, as it won`t be a rational discussion. And when she complains, tell her you are doing your best
I totally agree also with Sylvia ''tough love'' How I perceive tough love , is to block my emotional feeling , when mum give me a banter of irrational talk just like Sylvia says
Refuse to discuss it, as it won`t be a rational discussion. And when she complains, tell her you are doing your best.
refuse to discuss it , because if like me I end up discussing it , and all I get back is ierational talk from mum , makeing me feel guilty that I end up thinking is it worth all the hassel puing mum into respite , but it is, it really is worth it.

It stop me geting so stress, because I have something to look forward to, time out on my own with my family.

I just book respite , pack her bags the night before , book taxie tell her on the day and get the conplaining in taxie all the way they .

What I find lately when I am feeling guilty about restpite , or guilty about anything I do for my self . I tell myself I am thinking ierational :confused: , I can reconize now that if I look at it from the outside , as in looking at it all from outside the box in how I am thinking . guilty feeling make me think ierational and I end up with really high leavel of stress that I don't reconize anythink that I am feeling or thinking.

So I tell myself ''stop it your thinking ierational , keep taking restpite it good for you ''
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