1. JT13

    JT13 Registered User

    Aug 9, 2006
    41
    Tonight is a very difficult night. My bf and I are at the brink of breaking up. I'm unable to keep working on the relationship this way. It's hard as it is to have a relationship with someone who's away for work so much. Add it with a future MIL who isn't happy about me being his gf. Add in Alzheimer's.

    I love him but I am unable to carry this load alone, when he tells me to "deal with it". He doesn't understand why I can't ignore her. How could I when it's put in my face each and every time? Cried all evening, this isn't the first time... but the worst so far.

    I need a shoulder to lean on but he's not able to provide me that.

    So tired and exhausted.
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya JT13,
    Sorry that life is so wretched at present. I am afraid that some men are just unable to understand the emotional needs of some women (Phrased that carefully because I really do not want to get into a discussion about the issue.)
    To me it sounds as though you have given this relationship your all, but maybe it is right to let it go, at this moment in time. It doesn't necessarily mean forever, but it does seem to be fairly destructive of you, and maybe space is a good idea.

    That is not going to make it hurt any less - letting go of someone we love is never easy. One day at a time.
    Love Helen
     
  3. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    {{{JT}}}} hugs JT. It sounds a horrid time. My experience is that the build up to breaking up is the worst part of it. Once you've agreed to end the relationshp ...... well ........ it hurts of course, but the angst and wondering what will happen and trying to make it work finishes ........ and you can start to build yourself up again. In the long term, being with someone who tells you to "deal with it" and isn't able to take your feelings into account, probably isn't a brilliant prospect.

    love
    Áine
     
  4. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    I so, so agree with that, and in my dictionary, "deal with it" has a single response, which is "Bye".

    I know things cannot be that easy for you, but I simply can't conceive of someone who would say that to such a caring person, in this situation.

    Take care of yourself!
     
  5. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    203
    Wiltshire
    I'm tired, and this may not come out right, but this man is not putting you first, he is not putting his mum first, so guess he is putting himself first which is not what you deserve.

    Obviously he is not all bad, and you will have a hole in your life, but it is your life, and it is the only one you will have, so walk away. Have some fun, when the hurt has stopped, and find someone who appreciates you and does not expect you to 'deal with' things on your own.

    .
     
  6. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi JT 13
    Borrow my shoulder,it has been well leaned on over the years.
    You don't think so now,but this may be for the best.
    Don't worry there is someone out there for you who will not say"deal with it"
    Best wishes
    Norman

     
  7. JT13

    JT13 Registered User

    Aug 9, 2006
    41
    Thank You

    Guy, thank you so much for your support and kind words. I'm just taking things one step at a time. He's told me that if I continue having "meltdowns", its going to break up the relationship. Honestly, I agree because everytime that happens, I can no longer handle it alone while he gives me the cold shoulder.

    It takes two to tango and I'm not going to dance alone anymore. His mum should find someone else to pick on, if she can. Everyone else stays away, only seeing her a few hours in a few weeks or so. Tells a lot, doesn't it?
     
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi JT13

    What a terrible situation. You are in an abusive relationship, in fact two abusive relationships. I think you know that the only way out is to walk away.

    It's hard. I know you love your boy friend, but can you honestly see him changing? You need support just now, not more abuse. Do you have a friend that you could go and stay with for a week or two? It would give you a breathing space, and let your boyfriend know that you are at the end of your tether.

    Good luck. Breaking up is hell, but so is the situation you're in.

    Skye
     
  9. JT13

    JT13 Registered User

    Aug 9, 2006
    41
    Dear Everyone,

    Thank you for your support. Had a terrible migraine the past 2 days, most likely from stress. He can't support me because like Amy (a.k.a Helen) says, he's one of those who doesn't really understand a woman's emotions.

    What I do know is, irregardless how many blunt truths her own children have admitted about her (being nasty and all that), I still do care for her. She's aging and as a human, she has feelings too. To be a matriarch who thrives on controlling others all her life, it must be double the difficulty for her to not only loose control of others but also of her own physical and mental abilities.

    My bf does not want me to subject myself to this anymore. We spoke and he's put it clearly that if caring for his mother is going to affect the relationship so often, then I should stop. He has a point when he says she's not going to change, that it's honestly up to me if I should choose to care that much if I can't cope her excessive demands to control.

    I'm getting too emotionally deep into caring for her that it's affecting both my health and relationship. No, I can't deal with it. It's causing too many ripples and affecting the main objective I'm around there anyways... which is, the relationship with her son. Maybe what he's telling me is that the choice is mine and within my ability to choose if I should let her affect me that much.

    When I first posted this thread, I genuinely wanted to hang up the towel and call it quits. Now, with your support and advice, I've learned to see different sides of the situation. Without you guys, I probably would still be in tears. Thank you for your shoulder to lean on. I will still continue to care for this lady because she deserves more than a 3 hour visit in 3 weeks.

    Things have to change or as mentioned earlier, it won't work out.

    ((((( hugs to all of you )))))
     
  10. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi JT13

    Good for you! You've managed to turn the situation around, and you're no longer the victim. It sounds now as if your boyfriend values you for yourself.

    Stay strong, and remember you still have choices. Your boy friend's mother is a lucky woman to have you caring for her.

    Hugs, Skye
     
  11. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    558
    Stow-on-the-Wold
    Hi JT13

    Any personal relationship is in essence a partnership, there is give and take, there is honesty and there is love. If any one of these is not there then the relationship is going nowhere. None of us can tell you what to do, as much as we would like to! If possible you need to get away on your own for a break to consider your future and often the hardest decision is the right one.

    I am sure you do not underestimate the difficulties of careing for someone with AD but remember is gets harder and you cannot do the job with an unstable relationship. I hope that you reach a solution that will improve your life.

    Hugs

    Dick
     

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