1. amberence

    amberence Registered User

    Mar 15, 2008
    28
    Barton upon Humber
    #1 amberence, Apr 21, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2008
    It's nearly two years since realised and recognised mum and step-father both had dementia, the start of the process with them. Since, step-father has gone into a home as his Alzheimer's got worse and to the stage where couldn't look after and care for both at home on my own. Mother's dementia can see definitely getting worse in front of my eyes, spending most of her days in a child-like state, wanting everything done for her.

    These before, two independent, highly motivated people able to do all the normal things two retired persons usually do ... running and organising a house, spending time with their own hobbies and interests and in mum's case, pride in cooking and a meal for when come in from work. All this gone, and after all this time, still grieving for them, and what life was like with them, both at home.

    Am I normal, or should I, two years into dealing with both their dementia's, have got over it now and be letting go of the past.

    Sundays always worse for me, a bad day for me as was a day spent together in each others company. Sunday, was the day my step-father cooked and prepared Sunday dinner for us, and rest of the week there for both my mum and me, would do anything for me during the week while away at work. Today, Monday after the weekend when then they meant so much to me in normal times, still in reflective mood about the past. Usually after a bad Sunday, look forward to Monday's, to getting out and about again but today still stuggling and coming to terms with both their dementia's. Visited father at the care home this morning, now a shadow of his former self and mum today, not even sure where she is. What an illness, to give, anyone to have!!!

    Keith.
     
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Dear Keith;
    You have had a double blow and you are still dealing with their illness, so no way will you be over it. You have to try to come to terms with what you cannot change. Difficult I know.

    This is were 'letting go of the past' comes in, or rather doesn't. Remember, remember and glorify their past, entwined with yours, but remember all the good times.

    Celebrate every time you think of the good days, and the fun times. Don't let dementia rob you of happy memories. After all mum, and stepfather are still the warm, loving people they always were, even if that is not the 'face' they now present.

    Then slowly you may come to terms, at least I sincerly hope so.
     
  3. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    541
    Hello Keith

    The trouble is, I think, that whilst your mum and dad are still alive you can't grieve properly. As I look into what people have posted on this site, I see that there seems to be a messy, confusing stage where things are neither one thing nor another. Your mum and dad are gone (compared to how present they used to be) and yet they are still there, very much present in an altered state!

    I would say that you are perfectly normal dealing with an "abnormal" situation. I am referring to dementia as "abnormal" because I still like to imagine that it shouldn't be there. I like to think that ordinary old age should be there. Then again I'm in denial but I like it that way!!

    Love Helen
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Keith

    Connie is so right. By all means grieve for what you've lost, we are all doing that.

    But we have to glory in the past. You have been lucky, and have had the warmth and love of your mum and step-father. Now they need you to give them that warmth and love. Remember how they soothed away your fears when you were young, and think how frightened they must be now.

    You may never come to terms with it, it's an awful illness, and I'm finding it difficult too. But you'll cope, because you have to. And TP is here when you need support.

    Good luck,
     
  5. amberence

    amberence Registered User

    Mar 15, 2008
    28
    Barton upon Humber
    #5 amberence, Apr 21, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2008
    Hi all, thanks for the help and support. Found it difficult this weekend coming to terms life will never be the same, now two people spent most of it with, not there anymore as once knew.

    Made it more worse visiting my step-father today, seeing a tear in his eye with so pleased to see me. This before a strong, independent character seeing him reduced to this.

    But now all I have are memories, time spent with them in happier, normal times. All I can do now to relieve the grief is cherish those memories, those many happy days with them.

    Keith.
     

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