In need of a rant - sorry

marymary1898

Registered User
Hi,
Long post warning, need to vent.

It's been a while. November 2012 when I joined seeking advice about mam's first appt. at the memory clinic. Obviously lots has happened since but just last month we were finally given a diagnosis of dementia, Vascular or Alzheimer's dependant on the result of the latest scan.

The situation is this. I don't work, (medically retd. due to ptsd), I am a single parent to a 17 yr old who has autistic traits, severe anxiety, depression etc. Mam and dad live close and I see them most days.

Unfortunately mam has had it in her head for some time that dad is having an affair. Long story, totally unfounded, but hey, that's what you get.

Dad is struggling, not the best at the emotional stuff, brought mam to mine yesterday. Had a great night, lots of laughs etc. Today mam said something about dad within my dd's hearing. She kicked off telling her grandma she shouldn't say that. Mam got upset, wanted to leave. Took her home after a drive around while she calmed down. She didn't want to go home. Says she doesn't have a home anymore as it's been "infiltrated".

She wants to live with me and if I could, I would. But we live in a very small 2 bed house. It just isn't feasible. I have suggested to my daughter that we could move into my parent's house and my dad move into ours. She absolutely refuses.

Daughter is now furious with me for "choosing" my mam over her.
Mam is so upset she refuses to come to my house again.
Dad is stuck.

I just don't know what to do.

I want to look after my mam. I have tried to explain to my daughter that mam now has a limited life span, I want to make the most of it, but she won't listen.

I want to help my dad, having mam here is the best way of giving him a break.

I want to help my daughter and support her.

How the hell do I do it all and keep everyone happy?!

Sorry. Huge rant I know. If you have got to the end of this well done. Please don't worry about leaving a reply, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Hope all are well and coping

Mary
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PollyP.

Registered User
Oct 8, 2009
327
Herefordshire UK
Hi Mary,

It's good to have a rant now and again. I hope it has helped.

What a difficult position for you to be in. Some days you wish you could clone yourself into three people don't you.

Have you thought about your Mum going to a day club for a few hours to give your poor Dad a break. My mum used to go three times a week and she loved it so much she said she would like to go everyday! We had local community transport pick up Mum in the morning and then collect her and bring her home to us in the mid afternoon, it was a godsend for us all. It also gave me the opportunity to go shopping etc during that period and make sure that I got back in time for Mum's arrival, she was usually ready for her afternoon nap and had an hour or so before time for her evening meal.

Pauline
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2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
West Midlands
Oh I do feel for you. I had a similar situation with my son and my mum. The hatred and vitriol my mum had against my son, and vice versa I'm sorry to say, was awful to live through. Hugs xxx

My thoughts

I know and you know, it's the disease enhancing/making your mum like this but.....

Your absolute number one priority is your daughter. No question.

no listening to the guilt monster saying, "but you need to help your mum, dad..... "

Then get extra support/help sorted for your dad and yourselves so you can continue to support your mum.

Day care for mum, or activity groups that your dad and mum can go to together - dad getting support from other carers and mum having support from experienced people, thus giving dad the break he must need.

Nightmare trying to start out doing this, but someone with dementia needs more help than exhausted and emotionally distressed carers can ever hope to give, despite their absolute best efforts. And we all do our absolute best in very trying circumstances, that's why we end up exhausted and emotionally distressed

I feel you are going through a "can't see the forest, because the trees are getting in the way" moment. There are so many different emotional things going on at the moment, so it's hard to work out what to do first and that's an awful feeling to have isn't it xx

Keep ranting :) keep posting. Some will know exactly how you feel, all will support you.

we all need each other to help us through the days thankfully we have TP













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marymary1898

Registered User
Hi Mary,

It's good to have a rant now and again. I hope it has helped.

What a difficult position for you to be in. Some days you wish you could clone yourself into three people don't you.

Have you thought about your Mum going to a day club for a few hours to give your poor Dad a break. My mum used to go three times a week and she loved it so much she said she would like to go everyday! We had local community transport pick up Mum in the morning and then collect her and bring her home to us in the mid afternoon, it was a godsend for us all. It also gave me the opportunity to go shopping etc during that period and make sure that I got back in time for Mum's arrival, she was usually ready for her afternoon nap and had an hour or so before time for her evening meal.

Pauline
X
Not sure
I'm doing this right but will give it a go.
On 17th August mam is starting a Cognitive Stimulation Group at the memory clinic. This will be twice a week for 7 weeks. She will be picked up from home and brought back again.
I'm hoping this will be the start of more help and (awful as it sounds) time away for mam.
I try to get her out but most of the time she refuses. Her sister has terminal cancer. I have offered so many times to take her to see her but she won't go. I go but
I know it's not the same.
Anyway, the point is you're right in a way, i do believe the more we can distract her the less she'll think about it and the easier it will be for dad. But i'm afraid the idea of infidelity is so ingrained she won't ever let it go. She has even rung the "other woman" and swears she didn't deny it! Not what the "other woman" said to me when I bumped into her.

So sorry, this has turned into an even longer rant and I really just wanted to thank you for taking the time to reply.
I will look into your suggestions and thanks again

Mary
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CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
North East England
I do feel for you - you are so torn.

Unfortunately it's impossible in circumstances like this to keep everybody happy. My younger daughter was 11 when Alzheimer's came into our lives, and it co-incided with her having some problems of her own which she needed a lot of support with, and which are on-going even today.

What I told her then was that although there may be occasions when I have to put her nana first, such as if there was an emergency, that in the long run she, my daughter, would always come first.

It's a terrible choice to have to make, isn't it? But I know my mam would understand, if she could, and she would do exactly the same.

Good luck, and do keep posting.
 
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Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,592
Yorkshire
Maybe you could try and imagine what you'd advise your daughter if you were in your mum's shoes and your daughter was in yours....with a 17 year old child of her own?

Like 2Jays, I think your daughter is your priority. My grandfather lived with us for a number of years (I was aged 7 - 15) and I resented it hugely. He wasn't even any bother most of that time, but he was just .....there. I was never asked if I minded, but decades on, I still feel that resentment. If we'd had dementia in the mix (and there were signs of it in the last few months as I recall) I dread to think what it would have been like.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,317
South coast
Not sure
I'm doing this right but will give it a go.
On 17th August mam is starting a Cognitive Stimulation Group at the memory clinic. This will be twice a week for 7 weeks. She will be picked up from home and brought back again.
I'm hoping this will be the start of more help and (awful as it sounds) time away for mam.
I try to get her out but most of the time she refuses. Her sister has terminal cancer. I have offered so many times to take her to see her but she won't go. I go but
I know it's not the same.
Anyway, the point is you're right in a way, i do believe the more we can distract her the less she'll think about it and the easier it will be for dad. But i'm afraid the idea of infidelity is so ingrained she won't ever let it go. She has even rung the "other woman" and swears she didn't deny it! Not what the "other woman" said to me when I bumped into her.

So sorry, this has turned into an even longer rant and I really just wanted to thank you for taking the time to reply.
I will look into your suggestions and thanks again

Mary
X
These delusional thoughts are a real pain when they get ingrained :(
Mum (a widow) thought that she had re-married and that her new husband(!) was having an affair :eek: She also thought that the family were stealing from her and that people were coming into her home!! I think it is really pretty common.
All I could do was make non-committal sympathetic noises and try to distract. Fortunately this phase has (mostly) passed now.
 

tre

Registered User
Sep 23, 2008
1,353
Herts
I too feel you need to put your daughter first.

I also feel a bit anxious about what you said with regard to limited life span. If your mum does not have another condition along with dementia she could be with you for years and it will get more difficult as time goes on.

It is a good idea to try to get mum out of the house for a bit to daycare or similar to support dad but in my opinion it would be disastrous to have her to live with you and your daughter.

I have my husband diagnosed in Jan 2008 and my mum, who lived with dad daiagnosed with vascular dementia subsequently. I got them moved closer to me and supported dad as best I could but I could not have had mum to live with me. It is streesful enough being a carer but you are not superwoman.

If you still think this could work then try having your mum to stay for a week. I do not imagine this will make any of you happy and although your mum thinks this is what she wants I bet she will not like it. Your daughter certainly will not like it either.

Tre
 

marymary1898

Registered User
Apologies for late reply

Thank you so much to all who replied. It has been really helpful to get some other perspective on things, particularly from people who have 'been there and done that'.

I must apologise for not replying sooner, or replying individually, things have been a bit difficult and manic and to make things worse mam's sister is now failing rapidly I'm taking mam to see her tomorrow, whether she likes it or not.

Again, many thanks

Mary
X

Ps Tonight things are calmer with dd, fingers crossed.......
 

PollyP.

Registered User
Oct 8, 2009
327
Herefordshire UK
Hi Mary

Thinking of you and hoping that you managed to get your Mum out for the visit. Very sorry to hear of your Auntie and hope that she will not suffer.

When you get a couple of minutes, let us know how you are.
Pauline
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