Brief Recap:
I have posted a few times now about my mother who has heart failure, age 88, living alone, very ill and in bed most of the time. Over the past few years, I have also noticed signs of either cognitive impairment or early dementia. Since my brother has POA, and will not listen to me, I cannot get her assessed. Here in the USA, the doctors will not speak to me (not allowed by law). If I write to her doctor, there is no response. They respond to brother with POA. She is a free agent as she is not assessed as being “incompetent” or in any danger so we are unable to make her do anything.
It has been difficult. I am quite sure that she is not doing well mentally. At the very least she suffers from depression: extreme irritability, anger, depression and isolation. She now refuses to go to doctors. I wrote a post about Complaining Constantly recently that explains it in fuller detail.
The Issue Now:
She will not go to doctor with me and I have offered several times. She will not go because it is cold out and she is not well. She will only go with my brother. But, she doesn't want to 'bother' him. He is short tempered and shuts her down. She has many, many physical issues. I took the advice of some on this site to take a break, and for two days, I did not call or go. Feeling guilty and worried, I called and again came the barrage of complaints. To each suggestion I make, she gets angry. She suffers severe agitation and depression. She was given antidepressants. I finally got her to start and she stopped on the third day because she had side effects. The dosage was the lowest possible does, cut in half, so I wonder. I listen and I listen and I am coming to the conclusion that listening neither helps her nor me.. Within the same conversation she said: “You are my favorite, because you understand and you listen”. (not like her, and not what I want). Within ten minutes, it was “your brother handles things better because he changes the subject and says to me “lets not talk about that”. I cannot win for losing. I lost it and I just said, fine. And left. It is all so sad.
I feel like I am in limbo. Just this awful, horrible waiting and not being able to do anything right or anything to help her. I have listened to the Teepa Snow Videos and the Compassionate Communication and whatever I can lay my hand son, and, for, me none of this works. Thank you.
This is a disease where reasoning goes out the window and if your loved on is not diagnosed, there is nothing you can do. You cannot force them to get treatment. Perhaps it is cruel of me to say these things. I just don't know what to do anymore. I do not expect anyone here to have the answers to this. I just need to not feel so all alone in this. To be the only one recognizing that she is not safe living alone (many reasons) and that she needs a neurological exam, and to, at the same time, be powerless to do anything to move forward, is to feel helpless. The other side of this coin is that what if I did get her diagnosed and she lost her freedom. What have I done to someone I love then? It seems there is guilt and worry either way.
Thank you for reading.
I have posted a few times now about my mother who has heart failure, age 88, living alone, very ill and in bed most of the time. Over the past few years, I have also noticed signs of either cognitive impairment or early dementia. Since my brother has POA, and will not listen to me, I cannot get her assessed. Here in the USA, the doctors will not speak to me (not allowed by law). If I write to her doctor, there is no response. They respond to brother with POA. She is a free agent as she is not assessed as being “incompetent” or in any danger so we are unable to make her do anything.
It has been difficult. I am quite sure that she is not doing well mentally. At the very least she suffers from depression: extreme irritability, anger, depression and isolation. She now refuses to go to doctors. I wrote a post about Complaining Constantly recently that explains it in fuller detail.
The Issue Now:
She will not go to doctor with me and I have offered several times. She will not go because it is cold out and she is not well. She will only go with my brother. But, she doesn't want to 'bother' him. He is short tempered and shuts her down. She has many, many physical issues. I took the advice of some on this site to take a break, and for two days, I did not call or go. Feeling guilty and worried, I called and again came the barrage of complaints. To each suggestion I make, she gets angry. She suffers severe agitation and depression. She was given antidepressants. I finally got her to start and she stopped on the third day because she had side effects. The dosage was the lowest possible does, cut in half, so I wonder. I listen and I listen and I am coming to the conclusion that listening neither helps her nor me.. Within the same conversation she said: “You are my favorite, because you understand and you listen”. (not like her, and not what I want). Within ten minutes, it was “your brother handles things better because he changes the subject and says to me “lets not talk about that”. I cannot win for losing. I lost it and I just said, fine. And left. It is all so sad.
I feel like I am in limbo. Just this awful, horrible waiting and not being able to do anything right or anything to help her. I have listened to the Teepa Snow Videos and the Compassionate Communication and whatever I can lay my hand son, and, for, me none of this works. Thank you.
This is a disease where reasoning goes out the window and if your loved on is not diagnosed, there is nothing you can do. You cannot force them to get treatment. Perhaps it is cruel of me to say these things. I just don't know what to do anymore. I do not expect anyone here to have the answers to this. I just need to not feel so all alone in this. To be the only one recognizing that she is not safe living alone (many reasons) and that she needs a neurological exam, and to, at the same time, be powerless to do anything to move forward, is to feel helpless. The other side of this coin is that what if I did get her diagnosed and she lost her freedom. What have I done to someone I love then? It seems there is guilt and worry either way.
Thank you for reading.
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