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In denial ???

shark2

Registered User
Aug 22, 2012
136
n ireland
Hi there ,
Haven't posted for a while. My mother had a few falls around Christmas time. 2 black eyes , broken ribs, etc and the 4th fall was the worst. I was so scared that I phoned an ambulance. Long story short -bad infection and broken bones in neck :(. Having to wear a neck brace and body harness for 12 weeks. She's in her 3rd hospital now in 6 weeks- this is for rehab. Her Alzheimer's has gotten so much worse. She knows I'm her daughter but doesn't know my name, asked me if I had any children and if I had a job. Having toilet accidents etc. such a decline. Social worker, doc, and o.t. have spoken to me. Apparently her cognitive impairment is so bad that she's not making anything of the rehab. Sw says they all feel she needs nursing home care :(

I've a meeting on Wednesday with the care manager to discuss her future. In the meantime I took it upon myself to visit 3 nursing homes yesterday. I haven't stopped crying since. I don't see my mother as being as "bad" as the patients I saw. Am I in denial .....my son says I am
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,608
South coast
Your mum keeps having falls, she doesnt know who you are, she is loosing continence and she is unable to do do rehab. Thats sounds very much like my mum and she has been in a CH for 6months now.

Do you live with her? If so would you be able to cope with further falls, or deal with her brace and her incontinence? If she is on her own how would she cope?

Im afraid that things will only decline further. If she is in a nursing home they will be able to watch her, make sure she eats, deal with the incontinence and keep her clean. OK so a lot of people in the homes are worse than your mum, but they are probably near the end of their journey. Mum is content in her CH, she is safe, clean, well fed and looked after. She has company, activities and outings. When I go and see her she is delighted to see me (even though she thinks Im her mum) and we have lovely (albeit surreal) conversations and I can take her out in her wheelchair.

Residential care is not all bad. :)
 

Caroleca

Registered User
Jan 11, 2014
331
Ontario canada
Shark, when I visit mom she is one of the only residents that can walk and talk. She bounces around and dances when given the opportunity. The life of the party. However, there is no one that can handle the day to day attention that mom needs. She does not recognize my dad as her husband ...doesn't remember our names or realize we are her children. She wants to "go home" everyday and says "I don't know why I am here...all the people are really sick or bammy and I'm fine". It is very hard and dad feels very guilty and takes her home for couple of days at a time. She ultimately wants to go back to the home where she feels comfortable and can only stay with "the nice man" for so long. He is always exhausted when he takes her home as she won't have anyone come there to visit. It is very difficult but the CH was definitely the best choice. She has been there for over a year now ...is well fed, putting on some much needed weight and according to staff, when we are not around she is quite content. I still think about her night and day.
Carole
 

henfenywfach

Registered User
May 23, 2013
332
rct
not in denial just emotionally attached

Hi there ,
Haven't posted for a while. My mother had a few falls around Christmas time. 2 black eyes , broken ribs, etc and the 4th fall was the worst. I was so scared that I phoned an ambulance. Long story short -bad infection and broken bones in neck :(. Having to wear a neck brace and body harness for 12 weeks. She's in her 3rd hospital now in 6 weeks- this is for rehab. Her Alzheimer's has gotten so much worse. She knows I'm her daughter but doesn't know my name, asked me if I had any children and if I had a job. Having toilet accidents etc. such a decline. Social worker, doc, and o.t. have spoken to me. Apparently her cognitive impairment is so bad that she's not making anything of the rehab. Sw says they all feel she needs nursing home care :(

I've a meeting on Wednesday with the care manager to discuss her future. In the meantime I took it upon myself to visit 3 nursing homes yesterday. I haven't stopped crying since. I don't see my mother as being as "bad" as the patients I saw. Am I in denial .....my son says I am [/QUOTe

Hi! Im so sorry to hear that your mum has had falls and needed hospital treatment lately. I totally understand that that this is an emotional time for you and your family.
In one aspect as you've been so strong for your mum and now having to stand back and allow othesr to care for your mum..i would consider to be the hardest things to have to deal with especially emotionally. you said that you don't see your mum as bad as the patients you've seen on visits..and that probably a credit to you that you've looke after her as much as you can ..but every person I know that's had a diagnosis is on the same journey different stages and able to do completely different things.
Theres no doubt about it that change of surroundings and being in an hospital environment can affect patients especially with dementia and we hear all the time on tp about how things are so different with our loved ones when they are in hospital..but at the centre of the whole things should be the need of the loved one and theres no shame whatsovever in discussing how you feel with them on the ward, and asking them to point out their thoughts and evidence of why they think certain care is needed.
whether you are in denial or not or just not ready to accept that this is the next step for your mum..they should understand this and be able to understand that you need to be sure that this is what is the utmost best option for your mum.
at the end of the day your only human and I would myself would want to check double check and treble check to make sure im doing the best for my dad.
best wishes
 

shark2

Registered User
Aug 22, 2012
136
n ireland
Thanks for replying. I know deep down my mum needs help. I'm an only child and I work part time. She was living alone, although she had sitters and me and my sons all did an overnight stay with her.

I think my question is ...how do you choose a home? Do you get a gut feeling or do you learn to settle. . I had never set foot inside a nursing home before yesterday so I was unprepared .

I knew mum would need nursing care sometime but it has all happened so fast.
 

PeggySmith

Registered User
Apr 16, 2012
1,683
BANES
Don't ever just settle but search for the right home for your Mum. Fees don't tell you much -the most expensive place we looked at was so horrible it made my BIL cry. Someone on here suggested that your nose will tell you a lot. A decent home won't be "whiffy". If a home's a bit shabby it can still be good and your Mum won't care about all the bells and whistles anyway.
When we were looking 2 years ago I thought MIL was much better than all the residents at her NH but some were good company for her then and now she's one of the least well.
 
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canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,608
South coast
I agree with Penny Smith. Mum is in a CH that is a bit scruffy, but is clean and homely and the food, although old-fashioned (probably what they remember from childhood) is well cooked. The main thing I liked, though, was the way the carers dealt with the residents. They were obviously fond of them, looked after them nicely and were totally unfazed by any behaviour.

Find out what activities there are and also if there is any behaviour that they would not tolerate. Some places cant cope with wandering, or other things which are a common part of dementia. Soon after mum moved in she hit one of the carers and I was appalled, but they just shrugged it off, said there was no damage and these things happen and they understood what triggered it off. It hasnt happened since.
 

irishmanc

Registered User
Jan 14, 2015
64
Manchester
Like everyone else has said - look at the relationships between staff and residents. The staff can make a home. Talk to other relatives at the home (if you see any) - they will give an honest assessment. Cost is no real reflector in the end. It's a hard thing to have to do at a time when you are coming to terms yourself with the idea of a CH but there is often no other choice. Don't be too hard on yourself either.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
Thanks for replying. I know deep down my mum needs help. I'm an only child and I work part time. She was living alone, although she had sitters and me and my sons all did an overnight stay with her.

I think my question is ...how do you choose a home? Do you get a gut feeling or do you learn to settle. . I had never set foot inside a nursing home before yesterday so I was unprepared .

I knew mum would need nursing care sometime but it has all happened so fast.
To be honest, if you are completely new to it all, then I think that looking at virtually any care home could come as a shock, unless it is one of the luxury ones where they do not take anyone with dementia.

I well remember being horrified when we first started looking at care homes for my FIL. It took ages to find one that felt right, and it was right. But I do recall being appalled at seeing poor old things slumped in armchairs, apparently comatose. Alas, after over 7 years in her CH my poor mother is now one of these.

We have been through all this twice now, and it was only after a lot of looking that we found the right CH for both of them. Please do not despair!
 

shark2

Registered User
Aug 22, 2012
136
n ireland
Thanks everyone. I'm now toying with the idea of bringing her home with a care package. . Totally all over the place. She knows I'm her daughter although can't remember my name. She asked me if I was at work today and was able to tell me she had been for x Rays of her neck. Doc says she's much clearer now too. Their main concern is the risk of falling and feel she requires 24 hour supervision.
I know it was hard work before she went into hospital and to be honest it would be nice to have more family time. My husband has been very good - we even had her to Florida with us this year although he did say that was the final time she was coming with us . I know I have to think of me, him and my 2 sons as well. It's so difficult. I just don't want to put her in somewhere that she doesn't need to be in yet.