In at the deep end

[Triffid]

My mum died suddenly earlier this year leaving my 90yr old father. It’s since become clear over the last few months that he has serious memory problems that we weren’t really aware of because mum did everything for him and he just hovered around happily in the background. We’ve finally got him assessed and he has mixed altzimers and vascular dementia. For 3 months my sister and I were juggling being with him ( we both live 2hrs away) until we finally managed to talk him into paying for live in care that we’ve arranged through an agency to give us a break while we sort my mums will and work out his finances.

it seems daft to admit that we hadn’t a clue that there was anything majorly wrong with him (in fact we were more worried about mum) so it’s all come as a big shock and really feel dropped in the deep end ( with no clue how to swim or what to do next). It feels like loosing both parents in one go.

 

[lollyc]

We had a similar situation, and felt that we had been set adrift and left to get on with it
Firstly, if you haven't already, please, please set up POA and apply for Attendance Allowance for your dad.
Assumimg that you plan for him to stay in his home with carers, I would look at what clubs / activities he might be able to take part in, once Covid ends, of course, and if he is physically / mentally able to benefit.

Talking Point is a great source of information, advice and support. Whatever the query, someone will have an answer!

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @Triffid. I’m sorry for your loss and that you are now experiencing dementia issues with your father. I’m glad you’ve found the forum. I know you will get lots of help and advice here.

 

[Triffid]

Thank you both. I wish I’d found this earlier, but i suspect we were too much in the initial panic and now I do have a bit more head space. I will have a look for possible clubs and activities. What he really needs is a men’s shed for dementia, preferably staffed by ex electrical engineers. He has a horror of things like communal singing, craft or gardening!

 

[canary]

What he really needs is a men’s shed for dementia,

There is one in my area attached to a day care centre. It is closed at the moment because of covid, but his name is on the waiting list for when it re-opens.
You might find something similar in your area.

 

[lollyc]

It's worth looking at non-dementia groups too. Many will take on people with mild dementia (usually as long as they don't wander, and can manage toileting etc.) I know of someone who went to a Men in Sheds group.
His local council should have an online directory of all the old age clubs etc., in his area - you may be surpised at what is out there. There are some excellent church and community run activities - it's just a matter of finding them!
My Mum went to an over 55's exercise group, a lunch club for the elderly, and we were planning to try some live classical concerts at a local church when Covid hit. All non-dementia. He may need to be accompanied, but there are often local organisations that will povide a "companion" - for a fee.

 

[Triffid]

Thanks, I’ll have a look a non dementia things. I suspect he’d need someone to go with him. Of course most of them are shut atm but hopefully life will restart at some point