1. Jaycee

    Jaycee Registered User

    Jan 2, 2004
    Dear friends, Forgive me if this is a subject unsuitable for discussion but it is causing me anxiety and I would be so grateful for some words of wisdom. I have cared for my father who suffered from dementia, then my mother with Alzheimers Disease and also my husband until he entered a nursing home in December, so have considerable experience as a carer. Married 44 years, in a loving, caring & sharing relationship my husband is now having to come to terms with the fact that he has inoperable cancer, advanced AD, will never come home again and has a limited life span. He is 72 and I am an energetic and lively 62. Despite his severe limitations in every respect, he still has sexual urges and seeks gratification, although is totally unable to perform. Despite my love for him, I am totally unable to meet this need for practical reasons and because his double incontinence and lack of any physical co-ordination would make it a wholly unpleasant and unsatisfactory experience.
    Can anyone please help me to help him to come to terms with the situation or even suggest gentle ways of lessening his urges.
  2. Helen_old

    Helen_old Registered User

    Dec 29, 2003
    Hi Jaycee,

    I just want to welcome you as a member. I noticed you had not received any response to your message which i expect was quite difficult for you to post & didn't want you to think we don't care.

    Though I don't have any personal advice i can offer nor prefessional , I looked through the alzheimers book sites i have booked marked & found several references to a book called Sex Intimacy & Aged Care by Barbara Sherman .Published April 1999, by Jessica Kingsley Publishers UK. Available from Amazon.com . ISBN 1853027847. There is also an Alzheimers Society factsheet no. 514. Finally a video was mentioned called A Thousand Tomorrows: sexuality ,intimacy & alzheimers disease, by Terra Nova Films. Both I believe include real couples thoughts.

    hope this is some help

    take care

  3. Jaycee

    Jaycee Registered User

    Jan 2, 2004
    Dear Helen,

    Thank you so much for your speedy reply to my message and your efforts on our behalf. If yours is the only reply I receive, the references look more than helpful and I shall follow them up.

    All good wishes, Jaycee
  4. Meldrew

    Meldrew Registered User

    Apr 28, 2003
    Hello Jaycee
    I'm sorry to learn of the difficulties that you're experiencing.

    The loss of a physical relationship, or a change that makes it unsatisfactory or undesirable, can cause emotional problems for both the person with dementia and the carer. It can often be very difficult to come to terms with this or find the best way to adapt to it. Sometimes self-stimulation can be the best, or only, compromise for either partner and it is up to each partner to understand that they can choose if they wish to pariticipate.

    Although many people find it very difficult to discuss their sexual feelings it is important that this aspect of relationships is taken seriously and your doctor or another healthcare professional may be able to advise you about who you can talk to about this.

    You might find it useful to contact 'Relate'. Relate offers advice, relationship counselling, sex therapy, workshops, mediation, consultations and support face-to-face, by phone and through this website. Take a look at their website: http://www.relate.org.uk

    Hope that's helpful

  5. Jaycee

    Jaycee Registered User

    Jan 2, 2004
    Many thanks Meldrew. It's such a relief to have opened up this situation to people who may be having similar experiences or be involved in helping the same. Perhaps the discussion will be of help to others also.

    Kind regards,

  6. Jpr

    Jpr Registered User

    Dec 26, 2003
    It must have taken a lot of strength to bring this topic to the chatroom and I hope the users manage to help you.

    If you have found a nurse on the staff or have a CPN that you have a good relationship with, they may have some practical advice for you. The psychiatric branches of nursing have been aware of the importance of sexual feelings and activities on the 'whole person' for longer than general nurses so if you feel confident with a staff member they might be able to help.
    best wishes
  7. chrisc

    chrisc Registered User

    Dec 31, 2003
    This might sound a bit tongue in cheek but I'm honestly trying to be constructive.

    I can't remember what it is called (someone will) but didn't the navy use to dose sailors tea with something to help lessen their sex drive, maybe an old wives tail but perhaps worth a thought? Have you tried talking to your GP or maybe a female nurse if it's easier about this?
  8. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    It was Bromide and it wasn't only sailors it was any service men
  9. Jaycee

    Jaycee Registered User

    Jan 2, 2004
    My thanks to all of you who have replied to my message. I have been referred to and am awaiting a visit from a 'families adviser' on the staff of my local hospice, who may be oble to offer some guidance. I have hinted at Bromide to doctor, community nurse, nursing home matron etc but it doesn't seem to be an option - at least not via the NHS. The only real suggestion is that I try take his attention away form his urges! I'll keep you posted.

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