I am a new member. I have a husband with dementia and I am finding it very difficult to deal with his apathy. I try to keep him active because I know that otherwise he will just deteriorate but it is getting more and more difficult as all he wants to do is sit in a chair with his eyes closed when he then falls asleep. He sleeps for England !! I ought to mention that he is 91 and I am 87 but we have always been very active people. Until Covid he played tennis twice a week but unfortunately lockdown put a stop to this otherwise I think he would still be playing and would be quite fit. Now trying to get him to do anything is a struggle.
Impatience
- Thread starter Alfran
- Start date
Hello @Alfran and welcome to Talking Point.
Im sorry to say that this is a stage that happens in dementia - my OH is the same, he just wants to sit on the sofa all day. Im afraid that with dementia deterioration is inevitable, whatever you do, as its a progressive disease and 18 months can be a very long time in dementia world. People say "use it or lose it", but with dementia you lose it anyway, whether you use it or not. It may well be that dementia has stolen his memory of how to play tennis.
Perhaps you need to downgrade your expectations? Could you go for something like walking or simple games like quoits or outdoor skittles (dont worry about scoring)? Im trying to get my OH into day care as I think this will give him more stimulation than just being at home. Is this something you could try?
Im sorry to say that this is a stage that happens in dementia - my OH is the same, he just wants to sit on the sofa all day. Im afraid that with dementia deterioration is inevitable, whatever you do, as its a progressive disease and 18 months can be a very long time in dementia world. People say "use it or lose it", but with dementia you lose it anyway, whether you use it or not. It may well be that dementia has stolen his memory of how to play tennis.
Perhaps you need to downgrade your expectations? Could you go for something like walking or simple games like quoits or outdoor skittles (dont worry about scoring)? Im trying to get my OH into day care as I think this will give him more stimulation than just being at home. Is this something you could try?
I agree with @canary
I also wanted to add that although you will read amazing, selfless accounts of carers on this forum, not all of us are natural carers - I certainly wasn't.
It must be particularly hard when the person you're looking after is your partner (with me it was mum) - hard not to expect them to react or behave in the ways they always have. But dementia really changes people. He's not the same person just a bit slower/sleepier - he genuinely can't manage those activities anymore. As well as cognition, dementia affects motor functions, co-ordination, judgement and balance too - I honestly can't imagine a 91 year old with dementia playing tennis.
I also wanted to add that although you will read amazing, selfless accounts of carers on this forum, not all of us are natural carers - I certainly wasn't.
It must be particularly hard when the person you're looking after is your partner (with me it was mum) - hard not to expect them to react or behave in the ways they always have. But dementia really changes people. He's not the same person just a bit slower/sleepier - he genuinely can't manage those activities anymore. As well as cognition, dementia affects motor functions, co-ordination, judgement and balance too - I honestly can't imagine a 91 year old with dementia playing tennis.
Thanks you for your replies. After I had posted my comments I went on to read what other people had to suffer and felt thoroughly ashamed that I had been complaining. I am so lucky compared to many others. I had had a few bad days and was feeling sorry for myself, something I try to avoid at all costs. I know I am lucky still to have my husband at the age of 91 and I have a lovely home, thanks to him. I have had a long and very happy marriage (67 years) with a loving husband and I am missing his affection but I do still have his company and I am grateful for that. Going onto this site and reading other people's comments has helped a lot so thank you for taking the trouble to reply.
Hi @Alfran . Im glad we have helped, but never feel badly about complaining or having a moan. If there is something upsetting you, then this is a valid emotion. This site is not a competition with extra points for dealing with more challenging problems. I also, personally, think that we all tend to downplay our own problems and consequently see other peoples problems as worse than our own.
Thanks Canary for those comments especially about it not being a competition, I thought that a very good point. It is good to have somewhere where we can share our feelings when things get on top of us.
