immersed in guilt

Dottie 1

Registered User
Sep 11, 2013
42
0
My OH and I took my FIL to the care home yesterday afternoon, he is settled but asking 'what time tomorrow will you come and get me'......all I have done is cry. I feel like I have just given up on him.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,002
0
72
Dundee
I'm so sorry to read of your sadness. Too easy for me to tell you not to feel guilty but I'm sure you've done everything possible for your father in law. I hope he settles quickly.
 

Vesnina

Registered User
Aug 25, 2013
179
0
Do not give up on him, dear Dottie
consoling2.gif

Visit him regularly and hug or sing or whatever you can do.
Take care of his son.
Check on him from time to time and motivate the staff in the care home to be careful to him.

Best wishes. Sorry for not being of better help.
 

21citrouilles

Registered User
Aug 11, 2012
561
0
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
I understand your feelings of guilt, as all of us feel some degree of guilt, because whatever we do, it never seems enough, whether we care at home for our loved ones or have them moved to a CH.

Hopefully he will settle at the CH and become used to the routines and the life there. Then you'll be able to settle down too and feel better. Best of luck!
 

betsie

Registered User
Jun 11, 2012
252
0
I was you on 1 June. I have never cried so much in my life.

5 mths on and dad is fine often says "not you again" when I visit.

It is great not having to constantly worry if he is ok, too know he is well looked after, well fed, washed etc and not able to wander.

Yes I still feel guilty, I still cry some days, I still wish he wasnt in there but i had no choice and this was the best and safest option for everyone.

We can all only do so much and I know my dad would not want me to feel guilty.

You will soon see the positives of the decision you have made and he will settle in, some just take longer than others.
 

FifiMo

Registered User
Feb 10, 2010
4,703
0
Wiltshire
On the contrary to 'having given up', it is a very selfless act to arrange for residential care for a loved one. It could be said that the easier route is to listen to your own emotional needs and keep the person at home. Maybe by struggling on you might convince yourself that you're doing what is best. We all do it. You however looked beyond your needs to the needs of your FIL and recognised that these had escalated to the point that they could no longer be met by you and your husband and that you needed additional help. This is not a sign of failure. This is a case of making sure that you have maximised all the support your FIL needs to have the best quality of life that he can in the circumstances.

Whilst you may have got help for the physical aspects of his care, your role is not over. In fact it is now more important than it ever was. You are not only his family. You are his voice, his memory, all those things that dementia might be destroying for him, you are the only ones who truly know him. You are the familiar face. The one who can tell all the carers and residents and their relatives, who this man is. What makes him tick. His likes and dislikes. His history to date. Only you can fulfil these needs and without doing this, his other physical needs may suffer and it may affect the ability of others to get to know him.

You can never be replaced. No one has the knowledge or experience to step in to your role. Whilst the role of the carers in a care home is important, they can be substituted at the end of a shift. You can't. Far from feeling guilty, you should feel proud of yourselves for doing the best that you can for your FIL. Let the care home take the strain of the physical care whilst you make the most of the time you can spend together as a family. Oh, and when he asks if you are taking him home..tell him not today and that you all have to wait until the dr is happy!

Fiona
 

zeeeb

Registered User
Try not to feel guilty. My grandmother in law spent the first few years at her nursing home telling us that her son John was coming to pick her up and take her back home (interstate). We just went along with the story, and asked when he was picking her up. We'd ask her if she'd packed yet, and how long was she going to Melbourne for. Then we'd change the subject to where she worked in melbourne, and which building was it. She didn't get angry or upset, but she was in her element taking herself back a few decades and telling us all about it. For a few years we'd go over and over this same story each time, about john coming to take her home, then changing the subject to something else that happened in the past melbourne to get her off the subject of going there.

We have arranged that John will be taking her home for her funeral in her home town when the time comes, because it's all she has wanted, to go home. It just took a lot longer for it to happen than she had envisaged.

Depends how well he will remember what you tell him. If you tell him he's staying for a couple of weeks, and then someone is coming to take him home (that someone is best an invisible who doesn't visit that regularly). Will he forget and then next week you can say, yes so and so is coming to pick you up after you have a 2 week holiday here, keep saying it over and over if it calms him. Gives him something to look forward to. I guess it depends if it calms him or winds him up that the 2 weeks is never ending.
 

Dottie 1

Registered User
Sep 11, 2013
42
0
thanks for all your kind words. Today is the first day I have managed to read them without crying.

He is ok, he is being well cared for by some very kind people and is safe. Today he was muddled but perky and pleased to see me.

I came home and looked at the precarious 13 stairs from bedroom to toilet that he wobbles down and pants back up and felt dreadful that he has been doing it for so long. The house is quiet and it's weird not running to check on him every 20 mins, however last night we made plans to pick up daughter from Uni at the beginning of December and make a day of it with both of our kids and both of us, something we have not done for a long time.

I think when he moved in with us we expected that his heart condition or a stroke would get him 'first' we never expect to have a frail, 90 year old with dementia needing our support 24/7 and were naive not to think it might turn out like this. By the end we were just too knackered and worn down to give him the support he needs.

Anyway, thanks again, we will see how things go.
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,541
0
thanks for all your kind words. Today is the first day I have managed to read them without crying.

He is ok, he is being well cared for by some very kind people and is safe. Today he was muddled but perky and pleased to see me.

I came home and looked at the precarious 13 stairs from bedroom to toilet that he wobbles down and pants back up and felt dreadful that he has been doing it for so long. The house is quiet and it's weird not running to check on him every 20 mins, however last night we made plans to pick up daughter from Uni at the beginning of December and make a day of it with both of our kids and both of us, something we have not done for a long time.

I think when he moved in with us we expected that his heart condition or a stroke would get him 'first' we never expect to have a frail, 90 year old with dementia needing our support 24/7 and were naive not to think it might turn out like this. By the end we were just too knackered and worn down to give him the support he needs.

Anyway, thanks again, we will see how things go.


You have provided him with the support he needs.

He needs to be safe, he was not safe, you have made him safe. Please try to shake off the guilt monster who lands themselves on so many of us. A doctor explained to a friend of mine that in putting her parent into care, she had not given up caring, she had given herself the opportunity to be her parent's daughter again and not her carer.

You will just be caring in a different way. Your children are important too and they deserve that special time that you can now give them. I know it's hard, I'm not trying to minimise it, but you have no need to feel guilty, you have done a tremendous job for a long time. I have nothing but respect for you as I could not care as you have done.
 

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