Im whinging again - any ideas

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Bambini, Sep 24, 2015.

  1. Bambini

    Bambini Registered User

    Sep 8, 2014
    Morning all. Seems I only ever come on here to complain and I can see I am in a far better position than most on here but.............Mum has Alzheimers, for 2 years now - I live with her, I have no other family, no support and I work from home.

    I just cant stop daily arguments - I can cope with the memory loss, finding things in weird places, the hallucinations but I cant stand walking on egg shells not knowing what may trigger an evil argument. This morning it was over a courier collecting a box, I had to take dog for walk for 20 mins and asked if she would hand box to him (if he turned up). 2 hours later she is still ranting at me for being so nasty and horrible. Anything can set her off - "would you like more tea" triggers an argument as Im forcing her to drink more. These aren't normal arguments, she goes into a rage, its like red mist descending. I get called all the names under the sun. She visibly shakes which isn't doing her any good. I know its the disease and not her but its so hard. Ive tried the agree with everything approach but I forget sometimes.

    Ive waffled on, but if anyone knows of any way to keep her calm please let me know - Im doing everything so very wrong.

    Thank you for reading x
  2. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015

    I just read your thread and wanted to offer a bit of support. My mum has recently had a diagnosis of Alzheimers, though I think in reality she's not been herself for at least 2 years.

    I'm willing to bet you don't do much wrong, we all try our best and in my case I'm learning every day.

    Up until a couple of months ago my mum was angry, bad tempered, irrational and would fly right of the handle at the smallest thing, there was no reasoning with her. Like you I live with mum, we do have other family, but I'm the one in situ so the one who was at the sharp end of her moods and I was at my wits end.

    I am no expert, but to me mum was angry with the changes in herself, the things she could do or remember which are now beyond reach and the loss of control over many things, a bit like having to take a back seat in her own life when she had been the driver. I chose my moment and brought up the idea of depression. I was lucky and mum accepted that she was down. I made an appointment with her GP and explained I thought she might be depressed. Mum didn't say a great deal, but admitted I was right. The GP prescribed an antidepressant and mum's moods have lifted hugely. Her temper still exists, but is not so often on show and she's more accepting of help. Life is not wonderful, her memory is shocking, but it is easier without her face pushed in mine teeth bared!

    I hope my experience helps. It might not be the answer, but it might be something you could discuss with your mum's GP. Hope you find the right solution for both of you very soon.

    Lavender45 x
  3. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    Auckland, New Zealand
    My only thought is, does she like music? Sorry if you've already had this idea! My OH does and I find CDs or DVDs of the type he likes do help.
  4. Rodelinda

    Rodelinda Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    It is seriously tough and I don't think you're whinging - just saying it as it is. It's even harder as you are together 24/7 (I know only too well what that is like). But I'd agree with Lavender45 that a caring GP helped by recognising depression, prescribing low dose of medication and my mother's mood improved hugely as a result. Although I try to walk away from conflict (either literally or by changing the subject or by telling myself that it's the dementia and I have to ignore it) it doesn't always work and then I'm afraid that sparks fly and then I feel really cross with myself. But do try the GP route; it certainly helped here. Good luck
  5. Bambini

    Bambini Registered User

    Sep 8, 2014
    Thank you all so much for your advice. Yes I think depression is at the heart of it all. Have been lucky enough to speak to her Doctor as she gave me authority last year - he thinks a depression tablet is the way forward but just got to get her to agree to take it. Im lucky in that our doctor seems to be able to work miracles, so fingers crossed. Thank you again and Ill also try to walk away more and bite my lip! x
  6. curtainsgalore

    curtainsgalore Registered User

    Nov 2, 2014
    My Mum was prescribed citalopram quite early in her dementia journey and I'm sure it has helped when she was very anxious about the feelings not knowing what was going on with her.
    She is still taking them and is very advanced now, I did question whether they should be stopped but the doctor said that it may be best to carry on forever rather than change her medical now as she isn't having any side effects from them.
  7. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    If she won't take the tablet have a chat with the pharmacist or the GP and ask them for ideas on how to give her it. Often drugs can be hidden in food. It's probably worth a go but do get advice first as you don't want to do more harm than good x
  8. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    Hi Bambini,

    You have described the situation here with my mum, if you find the answer I would be eternally grateful as I am forever finding myself in the middle of an argument without knowing how I got there. I am apparently a horrible daughter who has no empathy.
    You have my sympathy but I am unable to give you any answers x.
  9. TDA

    TDA Registered User

    Mar 3, 2015
    It is such a hard situation, but from watching my dad struggle caring for my mum the one thing that she struggles with is questions. Do you want... Can you do...., she genuinely has no idea of the answers - it seems very obvious to us - it gets her very upset.

    My mum has also had depression / anti anxiety tablets, but getting the home situation more stable has helped just as much
  10. Mango

    Mango Registered User

    Mar 16, 2014
    New Zealand
    #10 Mango, Sep 24, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2015
    I think an anti-depressant may help

    I don't think you are whinging - I admire you for coping!

    My Mum was prescribed a mild anti-depressant a couple of years ago. I was initially against the idea, but agreed to a short-term trial. Our doctor is happy to keep her on the medication (it is the only pill she takes) and Mum has not yelled at me since she has been on it. The lack of yelling is a huge relief for me and counters the slight guilt I still feel that Mum is on the meds.

    There has been a noticeable decrease in her anxiety and frustration levels.

    Every so often, Mum asks what her daily pill is for. I tell her it is to help with her memory. She either replies, "Gee, imagine how bad I would be without it!" or "Well, it is not doing much good then, is it?" - depending on her mood. I use one of those 7 day pill boxes (and check every evening that the pill has been taken) and hide the rest of the tablets so there is reduced danger of an incorrect dose.

    Hope that Helps :)
  11. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    I know the "walking on egg shells" feeling. There wasn't anything much we could do about the outbursts because Mum wasn't usually reacting to anything we'd said or done, what upset her was something she'd "invented" - eg by talking we were stopping her Mum and Dad upstairs from getting their sleep.

    Events used to follow a daily pattern - morning OK, anytime from mid-day onwards difficult, "kick off" often being around 3.00pm. Mum was "sun downing" and the answer for us was a change in her medication (including a tranquiliser for emergency use only). The change in medication much improved everyone's life though flare-ups still happened on occasion.

    Is your Mum behaving in a similar way, please? If so please get help from your Mum's GP and her psychiatrist (if she has one).

    Good luck!
  12. Bambini

    Bambini Registered User

    Sep 8, 2014
    Thank you again for your comments and support. I managed to get her into the Doctors today. I rang him this morning and explained the situation and he was very understanding. Told her he had called me to check on her blood pressure so we went this afternoon. He offered her a tablet that would help clarify her thoughts and stop her being frustrated with herself. Mum actually told him she can get angry easily. It's actually mitazapine, an anti depressant but she's agreed to take it and starts tonight, so let's hope that helps. In answer to your questions, she does seem to be worse late afternoons, never been quite sure what sun downing is but maybe it's that. We go back in 6 weeks to see how tablets are going. I hope this works, will update you. Hugs to all of you and thank you from the bottom of my heart for the support x

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

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