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im struggling

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
911
Southampton
as most of you know im struggling with sciatica and looking after my husband who has copd and mild vascular dementia.just doing the basics is hard enough but in a haze of shed loads of painkillers probably too many. i live from one dose to another. my gp is on holiday and i feel hemmed in with walls. i dont have many friends and i get a lot of support from the forum and a special person. they say that the low mood causes the pain to increase and vice versa. either way it doesnt seem to matter. im such a misery today and i dont have it half as bad as some but i dont seem to be able to drag myself up again.just feeling sorry for myself on such a sunny day. have a good day everyone and take care
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
63,010
69
Dundee
I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. I wish I could help but all I can do is say I'm thinking of you and wishing you strength. I'm glad you can share how you feel on the forum - you know that everyone here understands.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,739
Essex
Dear @jennifer1967,

I was wondering whether you have carers coming in at all? If not I think it might be worth calling your local authority and explaining your situation they might be able to put you in touch with your dementia friends. My local council did this for me and they were invaluable.

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
911
Southampton
Dear @jennifer1967,

I was wondering whether you have carers coming in at all? If not I think it might be worth calling your local authority and explaining your situation they might be able to put you in touch with your dementia friends. My local council did this for me and they were invaluable.

MaNaAk
no none my doc has starting to do that but my husband is not willing he tells me the world is ok while im in it. im his comfort blanket even going to the mri he phoned after an hour.he is starting to not want to go out without me
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,776
cornwall
no none my doc has starting to do that but my husband is not willing he tells me the world is ok while im in it. im his comfort blanket even going to the mri he phoned after an hour.he is starting to not want to go out without me
Hi. I get that sometimes from dad. He has VD and carers come in.He is refusing to go to day care so he doesn’t. But I don’t have him full time as tbh I couldn’t cope.
I would go ahead with the carers and say to him you need the help. It is not fair on you and no one person should carry the weight..
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,739
Essex
The way to do this introduce them as friends first of all and then let the first carer whilst you are there then gradually ebb away.

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
911
Southampton
he knows i need help but his type of help is getting one of the kids to cut the grass or a one off hoover we did have an hour apart upstairs but since then ive been in too much pain and he was trying to help but he has a cateract and doesnt judge distances we have just found out. as im having more painkillers im tending to sleep for an hour or so but nerve pain is notorious for getting on top of. the morphine patch is doing more.painkillers doing their job.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
938
High Peak
Can you tell him that the doctor has insisted YOU have help everyday because of the pain you are in? (But of course, the help would be for him really.)

And could you maybe see your doctor again about the sciatica? I'm not sure that taking morphine + more and more painkillers is good....
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
911
Southampton
Can you tell him that the doctor has insisted YOU have help everyday because of the pain you are in? (But of course, the help would be for him really.)

And could you maybe see your doctor again about the sciatica? I'm not sure that taking morphine + more and more painkillers is good....
i know just woke up from 2 hrs sleep i am on absolutely maximum of everything and i have never had it this bad or for this long.which is why i went for mri scan .im just waiting for results before i make my move. he does most of his personal care and does cooks but i ban him from using the cooker when i went into hospital.my next door neighbour was good when i went in as well
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
220
Hi @jennifer1967 i am on my 4th week of carers coming in, they now do 3 mornings a week for about 1/2hr. One of them explained to me that just because my OH was already washed and dressed, and I felt they had nothing to do, they are also there for me. So now if he is already up, when they come, I go out for a walk. It’s only a small amount of time, but if he gets used to it, when you need it longer, it will be there.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
911
Southampton
Hi @jennifer1967 i am on my 4th week of carers coming in, they now do 3 mornings a week for about 1/2hr. One of them explained to me that just because my OH was already washed and dressed, and I felt they had nothing to do, they are also there for me. So now if he is already up, when they come, I go out for a walk. It’s only a small amount of time, but if he gets used to it, when you need it longer, it will be there.
what do they do if hes already ok for the day we not quite there yet but im planting seeds about it
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,624
South coast
I have recurring disc problems and a few weeks ago it flared up again, so the carer helped me get dressed too!
If they have some time left over from helping OH they will often do a bit of housework. but you do have to make sure that its on the care plan, otherwise they wont do it. I often get them to steam mop the bathroom floor.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
506
Oh goodness sciatica is the worst. I have it on and off and the only thing that fixes it for me (eventually, when it's really bad I can barely move but I try and it also works preventively) is doing yoga, particularly one video called 'Yoga for sciatica' if you Google. Unfortunately rest and painkillers do not work for me.

I hope the MRI gives some clues. It must be really grinding you down. Definitely see if you can get a care assessment, even a private agency if you can afford it?
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
911
Southampton
I have recurring disc problems and a few weeks ago it flared up again, so the carer helped me get dressed too!
If they have some time left over from helping OH they will often do a bit of housework. but you do have to make sure that its on the care plan, otherwise they wont do it. I often get them to steam mop the bathroom floor.
thats good sorry about your back. im planting the seeds and he cried with me yesterday. ive told him that see what the results are and make a plan. even saw online food shopping as a good idea and we are going to have a dummy run at it. thats progress
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,930
Kent
just feeling sorry for myself on such a sunny day
It`s awful when we are housebound as carers.

@Thethirdmrsc
So now if he is already up, when they come, I go out for a walk. It’s only a small amount of time, but if he gets used to it, when you need it longer, it will be there.
It`s an idea to work towards.

I have arthritis and recurring back problems. I resisted all the advice I was given at the time until I realised it was to both our advantage if I eased my husband into accepting help from carers.

I was asked what would happen to my husband if I was unable to care for him even for a short time.
I didn`t know.

He would not have been cared for at home. A `placement` would have been found. That term `placement` put fear into my heart and I made sure I had my own contingency plan made just in case.

@jennifer1967
Your husband may not be willing, but really it is not his call. he doesn`t understand the help you need or the pain you are in
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
911
Southampton
It`s awful when we are housebound as carers.



It`s an idea to work towards.

I have arthritis and recurring back problems. I resisted all the advice I was given at the time until I realised it was to both our advantage if I eased my husband into accepting help from carers.

I was asked what would happen to my husband if I was unable to care for him even for a short time.
I didn`t know.

He would not have been cared for at home. A `placement` would have been found. That term `placement` put fear into my heart and I made sure I had my own contingency plan made just in case.

@jennifer1967
Your husband may not be willing, but really it is not his call. he doesn`t understand the help you need or the pain you are in
i attempted that conversation last night and that we may need help sooner rather than later and he said that was years ahead yet. im 19 years younger than him so it makes reasonable sense to him for me to look after him especially now the weather has changed and his copd will be playing up,but i will keep sowing the seeds. thanks for your support
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,624
South coast
They all think thats its perfectly reasonable for their partners to look after them @jennifer1967 . Their world narrows and narrows so that all they can see are their own wants needs and comforts. They become totally unable to see that anyone else around them has needs of their own.

I think you will just have to go ahead and do it.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,930
Kent
I know it sounds brutal but there comes a time when the carer`s decisions are validated. This is when the person with dementia loses insight into reality.

I used to discuss with my husband and was often told I was pandering to him while he was living in his own reality. I felt I owed him the respect he deserved.

A time came when I realised it was doing neither of us any good. This was when we `sold` our house twice to enable him to return to Manchester, from where we had relocated. He was desperate to return in the mistaken belief his family was there.
Both times, as contracts were ready to sign, he backed down, unable to face the reality of what he thought he wanted and both times I had to disappoint prospective buyers.

From then onwards I made the decisions with no discussions. I was accused of taking over his life and worse, but it had to be.