Im so worried about mum

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by watneys, Jan 13, 2008.

  1. watneys

    watneys Registered User

    Jan 13, 2008
    Hi This is my first posting and Im desperate to talk to someone who understands how Im feeling.
    My family are very good but I am sick and tired of people telling me I have to do 'What is best' in other words I have to put mum into a care home!
    I feel sick at the thought and have been crying and not sleeping worrying about her future.
    A while ago when mum was having a good day I promised her I would never do anything to upset, frighten or hurt her and now I am getting pressure to do just that.
    At the moment she is in temporary care after a 2 week stay in hospital after a fall at home (she din't injure herself)she is receiving rehabilitation and physio and they agree with me mum could have bit longer in her own home. I am now awaiting a care package, which she had before this episode.
    Some of the Carers were appalling they would pop in and ask her how she was , did she want anything and of course she would say no and they would leave. I was doing all her shopping, cleaning, washing and cooking meals to leave in her freezer for the carers to re-heat. But I then discovered mum wasnt eating or drinking as she needed promting all the time and the carers had long since left her alone.
    I work full time, my husband has Elipelsy and my poor son who is only 32 has had a Stroke, he is married with a young family and a large mortgage and Im worried to death about him.
    I need to know of any organisations who can help me.
    Thanks for listening it fells good getting it all off my chest
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello watneys. I`m sorry you are so upset.

    When I cared for my mother in her own home, and worked full time, as you do, I also did all her washing cooking cleaning and shopping. We even took her evening meal and sat whilst she ate it, just to be sure.

    But our weekdays were virtually worry free as she went to a day hospital from Monday to Friday, from 9-5. So all we had to do was see she was ready in the morning, before we went to work and take her meal at night and make sure she was safe.

    Social Services arranged this day hospital, as I felt my mother was at risk. Could you approach SS and see if something similar is available for your mother. It would make life much easier for you.

    I hope your son recovers from his stroke.

    Take care xx
  3. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Hello and welcome to TP:
    You have so so much to worry about. Yes you have come to the right place and I am sure you will get support and advice.

    You truly have much to worry about. It is hard to give sensible advice because there is so little we know about your Mum.

    How is she reacting to the temporary care? If it is good then maybe a Care Home is the correct solution. If she does return home with a sensible care package are you going to 'back off'.

    You have to be realistic. There is only so much one person can cope with and maybe you have reached your limit. The advice usually is - if you are fit and well then you are more likely to help others. Is it so bad that your Mum should go into a Care Home? Once she had settled you would be giving her quality time on every visit. The alternative is you become a wreck trying to sort out everything for everyone!!

    I hope I am not being too blunt now but these are my immediate thoughts.

    Take care Best Wishes Jan
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear watneys, you certainly do have a lot to worry about. But you should not be upset by people telling you what to do. No-one has that right.

    If you truly feel that with the right care package your could keep your mum at home for longer, then that is what you should do.

    Talk to her social worker while she is still on care, and find out exactly what is on offer. Day care would certainly help, and would make sure she had at least one good meal a day, and she had some company.

    If you cannot get an acceptable package, then perhaps it is time to consider full-time care.

    It really is up to you. Sit down and weigh up all the options, and include your own health in this. You have to be able to cope without getting over stressed.

    For support locally, contact your local branch of Alzheimer's Society, and Princess Royal Trust for Carers. They are both very supportive, and will allow you to sit down and talk things through, without putting any pressure on you.

    And you can always talk to us here. Whatever you decide, we're here to support you.

    All the best,
  5. jaws

    jaws Registered User

    May 8, 2007
    It's so so hard when you feel pulled between others telling you what is best and what you want/have promised your loved one. I held on for as long as I could to keep dad at home but my own health and relationships were suffering and I knew that I couldn't offer my dad any more than I already was - but he needed more even with a community care package in place. Looking back I should have looked for a care home before I did and I think I ended up putting him at risk by hanging on. Obviously, I don't know the full circumstances for you but I empathise with the stress and feelings and isolation you are suffering. I have found talking point a great help.
  6. watneys

    watneys Registered User

    Jan 13, 2008
    worried about mum

    Thank you all so much for replying and I appreciate all your comments.Sorry for the delay in replying I've just come home after visisting with mum all afternoon.
    Mum is constanly asking when can she go home, I tell her Im waiting for the care package to be put into place which she replied 'I had 2 of them sent to me what have you done with them?'
    I have been horrified at some of the care homes I have visited one home in particluar I reported to mums social worker because of the rough treatment I witnessed one old lady receiving.
    I need to know how bad mum will have to get to go into residential care.
    How do I know how bad mum is?
    Is there a grading or scoring?
    She has been assesed as having moderate Vascular Dementia
    She has short term memory loss but can remember things from her childhood yet cannot remember her grandaughters name or what she ate for lunch.
    She needs prompting to eat, drink and go to the toilet.
    She will open the door to anyone and has told me about strangers knocking but she cannot tell me what they wanted.She was found by a neighbour at the front door at midnight waiting for the bus to take her to church, but she has not wandered or gone out alone.
    She has fallen several times at home but never been hurt just couldnt get up but she remember to pull the Life Line cord and the ambulance took her to hospital which then placed her into this temporary care.
  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi watneys. If the hospital thought your mum needed to go into temporary care after her fall, it sounds as if they thought she was vulnerable.

    Her social worker will assess her to see if she needs permanent care. Occupational therapy should also be involved, and possibly CPN. I don't know if there is a fixed scale, they just seem to assess on certain check points, then if your mum needs funding, it has to go to the finance dept. for approval.

    It might be a good idea to start looking at homes to see if there is one you like, and that has vacancies.
  8. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    I'm sorry you seen some bad homes. Unfortunately there are some like that, but equally, there are some great ones as well.

    No one here will tell you what you should or should not do, but reading your latest post I'm not sure how you could consider NOT placing her in a residential home. Frankly she sounds very unsafe in her previous situation. I understand that you
    but I'm not sure that allowing her to stay in this situation isn't itself upsetting, frightening and potentially harmful.

    Just a personal opinion of course, but with the demands you have on you from the rest of the family I'm not sure just how much longer you can expected to keep on with this before you're the one who ends up in hospital.
  9. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    Hi Watneys and welcome.

    There is no hard and fast measure to indicate when a care home is appropriate as each person is different. From your description of your mum's condition she does need 24/7 care and a care home may be appropriate. I understand that you made a promise to her about her care and most of us have done the same only to have to go back on our word - this is a very painful experience and no words of mine will make you feel better if you have to do so.

    If you read through past postings on TP you will see that many of us bang on about careing for yourself, do not underestimate your needs as they are equally as important as your mum's. I know that you feel under pressure from your family to find a care home but please do not blame them for they have your interests at heart as my family did.

    Finding a good care home is very difficult and you would ideally need one with an EMI unit. A good place to start your search is where you can find homes near you and more importantly read recent inspection reports. When you find a home that is acceptable make at least two visits at different times of day, not only will this allow you to judge suitability as homes tend to present varying images at different times of the day, the staff will realise that your care for your mum is deep and this concern rubs off on staff.

    Please keep posting and good luck.


  10. watneys

    watneys Registered User

    Jan 13, 2008
    Thnak you to you all, I have taken all your thoughts on board

    What is CPN? never heard of it.

    I know the day will come when mum could be in real danger and I will have no alternative but residential care.
    But cant help wondering wouldn't it be kinder to wait until she got so bad she didn't know where she was then it wouldn't be so traumatic for her.
  11. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    CPN - community psychiatric nurse

    Well you have a point there. However, I do sometimes wonder whether we rather underestimate the level of fear that out loved ones who live alone must experience. I have to say, though, this is a bit of "do as I say, not as I do". I got my mother into an extra care facility - a one bedroomed flat attached to a nursing home with on site carers since she swore she would "never move in with those loonies" (the people in the nursing home). She tried to make me promise that that wouldn't happen, and I did go so far as to to say "not while you're aware". As it happened she was still reasonably aware when, due to the fact that she lost all mobility, she did have to move into the nursing home and, actually, I think she found the increased contact with people comforting.
  12. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    Dear Watneys,
    Your devotion to your Mum shines through your post and your determination to care for her does you credit.

    I understand you have made her a promise that you do not want to break. But you must ask yourself this:

    "Can I keep my promise to Mum (keep her at home) and keep her safe and well?"

    If the answer is "yes", then you can continue as you plan. But if the answer is "no", or even "I'm not sure", then you really must reconsider the situation.

    We all want to keep the promises we make. I made a "till death do us part" promise that I always intended to keep - but the reality was, I made the promise without full knowledge of the facts. I comforted myself with this knowledge when I divorced, knowing that I wouldn't have made the promise if I knew the true situation.

    Now you have a different situation - but there are similarities.
    When you promised your Mum, you were confident that she COULD be kept safe and well at home. Now, perhaps this is no longer true.

    You cannot keep a promise just because you made it - you must take into account other, more important, things like your beloved Mum's wellbeing and safety.

    Also, as others have said, you must consider your other commitments - your own family and yourself.

    No-one likes to face the prospect of our loved ones in a home - but we sometimes need to put our feelings aside and see it as a necessity. If you decide it IS necessary, then you CAN do a great deal by ensuring she is in the best possible home, by visiting regularly, etc.

    When a loved one goes into a home is not the end of caring - it simply signifies a new type of caring.

    You have a very hard path ahead but I am confident your love for your Mum will see you make the right decisions for her. Every best wish.
  13. watneys

    watneys Registered User

    Jan 13, 2008
    Thanks again for all your support.

    I realise mum will go into care one day but I think finding the right care home might help me to feel better

    I have spoken to my Dr who's mother also had Dementia and she has recommened the home that cared for her mother. I have telephoned and will go to see it and I think I should put mums name down on the waiting list so when the time comes I should be better prepared.

    I am so glad I came across this site, wish I'd found it earlier.
  14. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Hi Watneys and welcome to TP.

    I think this is a wise move as usually this illness dictates at some point the need for 24/7 care. I do understand your feelings about feeling pressured into placing your mum. I know you want to honour your promises you made to your mum and this is very admirable. Sometimes it is necessary to step outside the square and look at the situation as a third person (putting aside that this is your mum) and quite often you can see things differently.

    Since the professionals agree with you that your mum can live at home for sometime still and a care package will be in place then as long as your mum is safe and well cared for, then this may work well for you. At the end of the day all you can do is what is best for your mum, obviously you are doing that. The road you walk is a difficult one, so remember to take care of yourself.

    Regards Taffy.
  15. Doreen99

    Doreen99 Registered User

    Jan 12, 2008
    Hi Watneys

    I think looking at the home is an excellent idea - and if your Doctor used it for his/her mum it must be good.

    If you get her on the waiting list, it will give you a back up, just in case care in her own home isn't enough.

    I know a lot of older people dread "being put in a home". My father was one - he had emphysema, not dementia - but he really couldn't manage on his own. He resisted all attempts to get him to go into a home permanently, but did agree to going in one week out of four for respite care. This meant I was sure that there was at least one week when I didn't have to worry about him and he enjoyed it, treating it as a holiday.

    This was a few years ago, and I don't whether it's still possible to have a similar arrangement, but if it is, could it help ease your mum's mind with regard to what nursing homes are like?
  16. watneys

    watneys Registered User

    Jan 13, 2008
    Thank you all so much

    As I said I wish I'd found this site ages ago.
    I know my family are trying to do their best but its my mum and I cant explain to them how awful this all makes me feel but chatting on line with people who do undestand really helps

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