I'm so lonely

[Angtrog]

It is now 5 and a half months since I lost my OH, to this dreadful disease . this past month I have been so lonely and nothing seems to have gone right. They dont mention loneliness in the stages of grief but it should be included in it.
Today I have sat and cried my heart out because I feel so alone, I feel like every body is moving on in life except me and I feel like I am on a raft in the middle of the ocean drifting away. In the early days I was surrounded by people couldnt do enough to help in anyway they could but as time goes by people think you are ok now and leave you to it. I know people have got their lives to get on with and I dont blame them., but the truth is I dont know how to move forward .People think I am strong but I dont feel like it. I have applied for a couple of jobs over the last few week to try and get back to a little normality but to no avail, my confidence seems to be disappearing .
Friends are busy with there own lives now and I dont know how to move forward, I have friends in different parts of the country that I dont see much of especially when covid arrived, and I dont want to bother any one . I feel worse now then what I did back in march. We are coming into dark nights now and it was this time of year when my OH health deteriorated and it is bringing back memories.
I dont know what to do with myself has any one got any ideas of of groups or clubs that deal with the recently widowed? Thanks

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Angtrog

All of us who have lost a long time partner face this challenge to adapting to living alone. It`s a long term challenge and we all deal with it in different ways.

I understand a hole has been left in your heart and in your life and I understand you are not yet ready to socialise with people who cannot appreciate the depth of your loss.

Here is a link to Cruse which is a helpline for the bereaved.

https://www.cruse.org.uk.

0808 808 1677​

Monday - Friday 9.30am - 5pm
Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday 9.30am - 8pm
Weekends 10am - 2pm

This is what they say.

Grief can be overwhelming
Grief is a natural process, but it can be devastating. We are here to support you after the death of someone close.

Please phone them.

 

[kindred]

It is now 5 and a half months since I lost my OH, to this dreadful disease . this past month I have been so lonely and nothing seems to have gone right. They dont mention loneliness in the stages of grief but it should be included in it.
Today I have sat and cried my heart out because I feel so alone, I feel like every body is moving on in life except me and I feel like I am on a raft in the middle of the ocean drifting away. In the early days I was surrounded by people couldnt do enough to help in anyway they could but as time goes by people think you are ok now and leave you to it. I know people have got their lives to get on with and I dont blame them., but the truth is I dont know how to move forward .People think I am strong but I dont feel like it. I have applied for a couple of jobs over the last few week to try and get back to a little normality but to no avail, my confidence seems to be disappearing .
Friends are busy with there own lives now and I dont know how to move forward, I have friends in different parts of the country that I dont see much of especially when covid arrived, and I dont want to bother any one . I feel worse now then what I did back in march. We are coming into dark nights now and it was this time of year when my OH health deteriorated and it is bringing back memories.
I dont know what to do with myself has any one got any ideas of of groups or clubs that deal with the recently widowed? Thanks

All my sympathy. I lost my husband to this awful disease too. It is so so hard. I am finding the group for widows and widowers called. Way up is fantastic for support, care, ideas and shared understanding. They also organise meetings. Google them. We talk online but can always private message each other.

 

[Angtrog]

Hi @Grannie G I couldnt get through to Cruise the line was really busy on line chat instead I didnt get much joy from them but thanks for your advice. @kindred took your advice and joined up with way up this was the sort of thing I was looking for. Thank you.

 

[Baggybreeks]

I’m sorry for your loss and your loneliness. My husband died from mixed dementia 2 and a half years ago, and I still miss him terribly. I was married for 50 years and I keep telling myself that for 44 of them he was my best friend, my other half, my rock. No one can replace him and I don’t know what the answer is either.
I try very hard, phoning friends, joined Wayup, U3A,and never say no to any invite even if I don’t feel good.
I hope one day I can get used to being alone, but to have no companion is hard. And dementia robbed the person I knew.
I hope you can find a way to cope with loneliness, there is no quick fix but telling people how you feel, at least someone might reach out to support you.

 

[Izzy]

I’m another who can empathise with you @Angtrog. My husband died 5 years ago and I know what you mean about feeling alone. I see that @Baggybreeks suggested ‘Wayup’. I thought I‘d put the link here in case you want to take a look at it

Way Up – Online Widowed Support Group

way-up.co.uk

I joined it at one point. In the end I decided it wasn’t for me but I can see how it might help to be part of that community. Please keep posting here, you’ll always find understanding and support.

 

[Marcelle123]

I can only imagine what you're going through. It would be my worst nightmare to lose my OH. I do hope you find some relief with the bereavement groups recommended above.

Another thing you could do - though you might not feel up to it yet - are to see if your local U3A has started up with any groups. They might have a walking group or a series of talks that you could go to just for the company and to get you out of the house. The local library might have some events you could attend or exercise groups you could join.

Or you could telephone your friends for a long chat. If you are able to find the strength to go to see them, it would be wonderful. You could stay in a local guesthouse with all the precautions and just the getting out and about might help.
Ahead of the winter nights, find something to absorb your mind in the evenings - do you knit? Are there TV programmes or DVDs you could follow?

But making the effort is a huge thing when you feel so lonely - I can appreciate that. Small steps at a time, beginning with the groups recommended above? And get out in the fresh air as much as possible. Love & best wishes, and tell us how you're getting on. There are people to talk to here, anyway.

 

[lollyc]

I can't speak from experience, but I recently read an article by a man who lost his wife, in her 40's, from cancer. He spoke of having to make a conscious effort not to hide away, but to take up a new hobby / activity and to pro-actively engage with the people there. He found it hard, but it has worked for him. And he found that strangers can be incredibly kind - if you let them.
Could you restart an interest that got sidelined by dementia? Or decide to learn a completely new skill? Dancing? Spanish? Painting? I think quite often it's taking the first step that is the biggest hurdle.

 

[Fatigued]

It is now 5 and a half months since I lost my OH, to this dreadful disease . this past month I have been so lonely and nothing seems to have gone right. They dont mention loneliness in the stages of grief but it should be included in it.
Today I have sat and cried my heart out because I feel so alone, I feel like every body is moving on in life except me and I feel like I am on a raft in the middle of the ocean drifting away. In the early days I was surrounded by people couldnt do enough to help in anyway they could but as time goes by people think you are ok now and leave you to it. I know people have got their lives to get on with and I dont blame them., but the truth is I dont know how to move forward .People think I am strong but I dont feel like it. I have applied for a couple of jobs over the last few week to try and get back to a little normality but to no avail, my confidence seems to be disappearing .
Friends are busy with there own lives now and I dont know how to move forward, I have friends in different parts of the country that I dont see much of especially when covid arrived, and I dont want to bother any one . I feel worse now then what I did back in march. We are coming into dark nights now and it was this time of year when my OH health deteriorated and it is bringing back memories.
I dont know what to do with myself has any one got any ideas of of groups or clubs that deal with the recently widowed? Thanks

Hi Angtrog,
I am so sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.
If you haven't heard before, there are these stages of being bereaved:

Denial – Feeling numb. No sense of purpose. You feel like you have stepped of a train in the middle of nowhere and the train full of people continues on. For you it feels like life has stopped.

Anger – There is so much you might have wanted to say, Plans for the future which will not happen.

Bargaining – Where you are looking for ways to alleviate the pain. Maybe praying. Thinking over and over again of the “what if’s” of life – if I had done this or that something would have been different...

Depression – Intense waves of sadness and longing for that companionship. Feeling you can’t fit in.

Acceptance – You come to terms with the great loss. Don’t confuse with get over the loss, as you don’t. You learn to live with it and put things in perspective.

These steps don’t follow one after the other and you can have gone through Denial and anger for example only to be stuck in anger and go back to denial.

It’s important to be aware, this is a journey. You will get through it. You will be a different person at the other end - but a better one.

My thoughts are with you.

 

[Alison N]

I applied to join Way Up but because I didn’t supply my hobbies, pets, family, interests, work or volunteering (of which I don’t have any apart from gardening) I didn’t fit their criteria. I found them most unhelpful. I am still struggling with the death of my husband and I thought it may help. This forum is so much more compassionate and caring.

 

[Grannie G]

This forum is so much more compassionate and caring.

I`m pleased you found us @AlisonN.

It was the same for me 15 years ago and why I`m still here, trying to give back what I received.

 

[Angtrog]

Thanks for all your advice, I have joined up with Way Up and there are a couple of meetings on later in the month I am thinking of going to. @Fatigued I know the stages of grief but I didnt realize it doesnt have to be in that order. I feel anger at the moment ( could even fall out with myself) I will just have to go with the flow . I sometimes think that I might even have PTSD as well, those of you who were on our journey know that it happened very quickly. I joined TP in april 2020 when Alan first got diagnosed, he was showing symptoms in 2019 and Alan was gone march 2021 in a way Im pleased that he wasnt suffering anymore but it has left a big hole in my heart. We have no family he was my life my husband best friend and soul mate now I find myself starting on another journey one that I didnt expect to go on so soon.
I wish everyone on this hideous journey lots of strength and I still come onto Talking Point and read all the posts, most of them I can say has happened to us when I feel a lot stronger I will try and help others if I can with advice but at the moment dont feel strong enough.
I would of been lost without this wonderful supportive group over the past year you are all amazing.
Take care Angela

 

[Dutchman]

Hello @Angtrog. Just seen your message and felt I needed to speak to you. I’m a man who’s wife ( Bridget) is in care and has been for the past 2 years with dementia.

I’ve really been on my own now for over 3 years counting the year she refused to recognise me. I don’t like being on my own, I hate having no one to share with and I'm fed up when it’s just me having run a home when we shared everything. I always thought loneliness happened to other people but now I know what it’s like to long for her company, companionship, her love especially and just the normal everyday doing stuff.

Going in to see her in the home just rubs in the fact that she’s left me for good but I go to grasp on to any degree of my old Bridget.

So yes I’m lonely and I know she’ll remain my only love till I die. At least I found love and I’m one of the lucky ones I suppose in that respect. But love and loss means heartache.

Reply if you want as I might be able to help. I speak to a counsellor regularly so that’s something you may want to try. She’s helped a great deal.

Peter

 

[Pots and Pans]

@Angtrog and @Dutchman thank you both for having the strength to post and discuss this. Am following as I see my own future here. Husband has Alzheimer's and is deteriorating. I see care home approaching and am feeling terrified of being alone. Like both of you my soulmate for nearly 50 years and I already miss him so much as this illness takes away more and more. A different sort of loneliness - have seen it called anticipatory grief as I have become a sort of midow (halfway to being widowed). People think I am strong, and I am outgoing but I really don't know how I will cope when OH in care or, later, dies - one day at a time, I guess, as now - and I'm not generally very good at letting people know if I am struggling. Have no family, and friends only support to a certain extent even now as they see me dealing with the illness. Why is it so hard to admit to loneliness? Do they feel it could be catching? So thank you both for sharing. Feel less alone. People on here understand.

 

[MaNaAk]

Hello @Angtrog

All of us who have lost a long time partner face this challenge to adapting to living alone. It`s a long term challenge and we all deal with it in different ways.

I understand a hole has been left in your heart and in your life and I understand you are not yet ready to socialise with people who cannot appreciate the depth of your loss.

Here is a link to Cruse which is a helpline for the bereaved.

https://www.cruse.org.uk.

0808 808 1677​

Monday - Friday 9.30am - 5pm
Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday 9.30am - 8pm
Weekends 10am - 2pm

This is what they say.

Grief can be overwhelming
Grief is a natural process, but it can be devastating. We are here to support you after the death of someone close.

Please phone them.

Dear @Angtrog,

Please follow @Grannie G's advice as Cruse were recommended to me as well. I also had therapy which helped me through the most difficult stage of my life.

Hugs

MaNaAk

 

[Dutchman]

For all those really struggling with crippling emotions I would strongly recommend a counsellor who is experienced in working with people like us as mine has helped me a great deal. I used to see her once a week and now it’s every three weeks.

No counsellor should charge more than £45 an hour so beware those that charge more and those who spread their areas of expertise too thinly. Go to your doctor who might be able to recommend someone through the NHS although there will be a waiting list that way.
There could also be free counselling to be had and the Citizens Advice would be able to help you there. Be patient and kind with yourselves and try to persevere with getting in touch - these days waiting on the phone can be frustrating.
Also you can speak with an Admiral Nurse through Dementia UK as they are experts and will listen and are extremely kind and compassionate. Lastly there are the Samaritans who have got me through the dark periods at anytime of day.

Reach out on this Forum and any one who will listen. We need others now more than ever.
Peterx ❤️

 

[Violet Jane]

Sadly, friends often prove to be a disappointment when a person develops dementia. It is well known that carers are one of the groups that suffer from loneliness. I think that many people find dementia horrifying and don’t want to see it up close. As a result, they stop visiting even when the PWD is still living at home with or without a resident carer. It is lonely to be a widow or widower but (and I know that it can be very difficult) there is the possibility of doing things and meeting people without having to worry about the PWD. Caring for a PWD puts you in a state of limbo, with your connection with the PWD crumbling away as your other social relationships fade away leaving you alone. If you can get some time off and meet a friend out of the house then that might keep the relationship going but it can still be difficult because friends tend to have limited tolerance for hearing about the nitty-gritty of caring for a PWD and,of course, the carer doesn’t have much else to talk about.

I think that the loss of friendships is a very hard part of dementia that does not get much attention. And, of course, when the caring ends the carer finds himself a widow or widower without friends around him/her.

 

[Pots and Pans]

So far I'm lucky in that we do still see friends... and I kinda rotate them when I get time off due to a carer being here. Try not to ask too much. But one day a week is very different from suddenly needing daily help or support when suddenly alone. Suspect everyone will be helpful to start with and then fall away.... Maybe being unfair ( and I think dealing with AD can make me feel a bit bitter anyway) @Dutchman yes, will definitely consider counselling when necessary. Guess am just feeling a bit sorry for myself today.

 

[Violet Jane]

Pots and Pans, you’re entitled to feel the way you do. It’s desperately hard caring for a PWD. I’ve never provided personal care or lived with a PWD and it was hard enough. I would try to keep your expectations of your friends low. That way you won’t feel disappointed. Enjoy their company and perhaps do a few things together, if you’re able to arrange a sitter or respite for your husband. Unless they are very unusual your friends will not look after your husband on their own while you go out, particularly if he is incontinent or is prone to accidents.

 

[Pots and Pans]

Pots and Pans, you’re entitled to feel the way you do. It’s desperately hard caring for a PWD. I’ve never provided personal care or lived with a PWD and it was hard enough. I would try to keep your expectations of your friends low. That way you won’t feel disappointed. Enjoy their company and perhaps do a few things together, if you’re able to arrange a sitter or respite for your husband. Unless they are very unusual your friends will not look after your husband on their own while you go out, particularly if he is incontinent or is prone to accidents.

Ah, lucky enough to have two friends - one male old friend of OH and the other a neighbour who has helped with care after hospital stay kicked it all off - who will stay and can deal with ,'accidents' but try not to ask too often. Make friend lives more than 30 mins away but does an evening for me maybe once a month as well as visiting/ asking us round and generally being a friend. So I shouldn't moan. We do lots of Alzheimer's activities too.... but it just isn't the same. Loads of you will identify with it... checking where loo is, prompting and accompanying visits there, heading off bursts of anxiety, supporting mobility, using wheelchair etc Sometimes just too much trouble to go out....