I'm putting my Mum on eBay

[Zooey]

Hello - it's me again. Nearly 50, disabled, about to be made redundant and 45 animals to look after. I do lurk in your forum quite a lot, but I'm unable to reply at work and I'm afraid I'm mostly too busy at home.

I thought I had everything worked out in respect of my Mum (84, with a dodgy heart, end stage renal failure, leaking legs and umpteen other problems). It seemed pointless fighting with her over things that don't really matter. She's lived in her nightdress for years, probably hasn't washed her hair for as long (I've offered to get a hairdresser in) and won't eat properly. I'd decided I would work out what was really important as far as health and safety goes and make sure those were covered, but I seem to have lost every battle so far. My Mum refuses to go to bed and has lived in the same chair, 24 hours a day for the past 2 months. She can't get up without help and relies on the 3 carers a day, although I see from their notes that she mostly refuses their offer to take her to the toilet. She won't keep the bandages the nurses put on her legs, in spite of being told her legs will get worse. She mostly refuses all help offered by the carers. She had another fall last week and brought the chair down on top of her - I'm worried she forgot to use her Care Link alarm because she phoned me at home instead. The final straw was when I realised she'd been "blacklisted" by her local hospital for not attending appointments over the past year. I didn't know she had Alzheimer's then and she must have been throwing the cards in the bin. I begged for a second chance and she had an appointment this morning. I phoned her on the way in to work to remind her, to be told she'd already sent the ambulance away. I know I ought to go with her, but she has so many visitors/appointments and I only have a few days leave left. With the redundancy, I could be gone in 4 weeks or 5 months (they've not told me yet), so I have to hold on to what's left in case of more pressing emergencies.

I read the other thread recently and agree with the poster. I too love my Mum, but in spite of phoning her several times a day for decades, I'm afraid we are not close. The relationship we do have is breaking down fast and for the sake of my sanity, I haven't phoned her back so far today. Her care manager has only just been appointed, but he seems to be very good, although I think she is testing him to breaking point.

Should I keep pressing her to do the right things? If I don't then I feel I will be an accomplice when she finally does end up in hospital with pressure sores/ulcers/urinary tract infection. I do appreciate that someone in her situation may have illogical fears. I haven't tried to force her to go to bed, but rather to ask what it is that's worrying her. All I get is one excuse after another and when I tell her we can sort out those problems, I just get a flat refusal/tears/abuse.

We took 2 of our cats to the vet for a dental this morning and it made me realise how similar and different the situations were. There I was as carer for my pets, doing the right thing and yet I am unable to do the same for my Mother. I suppose we could buy a human sized cat basket, or failing that I'm going to put her on eBay...

 

[TinaT]

If e bay was the answer I would imagine that there would be an absolute glut of awkward, elderly, failing health mothers up for bids - with yours and mine at the top of the list!! Sorry no solutions, just commiserations and understanding from one daughter who has just thankfully taken mum home after a difficult and tiring afternoon and evening at my house. xx TinaT

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Zooey,
I had a Mother-in-law like that and she did not have A.D. and I wished I could have sent her to another planet. I understand where you are coming from and on a personal note I do not think that you can do anymore than you have been doing for your Mother. It is a terrible worry the fact that you may be redundant. That will add additional stress to what you are going through. Do your Mother have a S.W.? Someone is always on T.P. 24/7, so please do not feel you are alone. In all this you must consider your own health.
Wishing you all the best. Christine

 

[Margaret W]

Dear Zooey,

Forgive me, but I almost laughed at your tale, cos it seemed so extreme and funny. I appreciate that it is not at all funny, if extreme. "Blacklisted", "Chucking appointment cards in the bin", "refusing to wear the bandages". Are you sure this is due to dementia, or is your mum just a wilful woman?

I can offer no advice at all. Your mum sounds like a lady with real character, and you are going to find it hard to make her conform to what we all think is right. In years gone by, your mum would have just been an ordinary member of the community acting strangely. But nowadays we hope for better for our relatives.

I hope I don't offended you at all with this. I just imagined your mum back in the era of 80 years ago, when she would have been considered normal.

Is she unhappy with her current situation? She sounds like a lady who is simply accepting her fate and doesn't care that things can be done to make it better. How you get her to realise that is another matter, but if not, you will have done your best.

But if she is not unhappy, cruel though it sounds, I would leave her to it. You won't want to do that, of course, but at the end of the day you have done your best and it sounds as if your mum still has her own strong views on what she can be bothered with, and what she can not.

I might be totally off the wall with this "advice", take it with a pinch of salt, but your mum just sounds like an eccentric, and you can't do much to persuade eccentrics to do anything you want.

I am also guessing (in my ignorance) that your mum is a highly intelligent lady, so any chance of you persuading her to do things is much reduced cos she still has her own mind in action, albeit distorted.

What an unusual situation, which is why I can't advise.

But I wish you every luck in looking after her.

Best wishes, and I know I have been of no help at all.

Margaret

 

[Zooey]

Thank you all for your replies. We seem to have made some headway now. I decided to leave the caring to the carers and spent the past few days just phoning my Mum for a chat and our relationship is now back to normal. I did have a phone call from the midday carer today expressing concern that my Mum can't get out of her chair at all. We chatted for a while and a few minutes after she left, my Mum rang. She feels she can't go on at home any more and would like me to speak to that "nice young man" (her care manager) about moving her into the care home up the road from where we live.

My husband and I have already looked at the place and it seems ideal. I have no idea how my Mum will take to it, but at least we get the chance to show her all the benefits it has to offer and I will worry far less with someone keeping an eye on her 24/7.

Anyway - we've only just finished the zoo from the morning session (the weekend clean takes 7 or 8 hours) and I'm going to have a well deserved break until it starts all over again in about 90 minutes.

 

[Taffy]

Hi Zooey,

my Mum rang. She feels she can't go on at home any more and would like me to speak to that "nice young man" (her care manager) about moving her into the care home up the road from where we live

This must be such a huge relief for you. I hope that your mum likes the care home and also been up the road from you is a great bonus. Fingers Crossed it all goes well. Regards Taffy.

 

[Grannie G]

. She feels she can't go on at home any more and would like me to speak to that "nice young man" (her care manager) about moving her into the care home up the road from where we live..

This is what most people would hope for.....a wish expressed that can be fulfilled.
I really hope it all goes well.

Love xx