I'm not sure where I belong

[Ionising]

Someone I loved very dearly is going through the process of memory tests etc. We have not been partners for many years but have stayed in touch and supported each other when required (advice etc). He has very lovely adult children who are supporting him through the journey - wherever that may lead. I'm not sure what I am. I'm not a partner. I'm not a wife. I'm not a carer. However, he now calls me most days for emotional support and while I want to support and help him, I'm also in a confused space. Naturally I want to do as much as possible to support but I also recognise that I may need some of my own boundaries to ensure my own life isn't swallowed up by caring responsibilities as I work full time and have some of my own health issues. He is the best person in the world and it hurts to consider what the diagnosis will be, but as a younger woman I cared for my then husband for several years. I know I just don't have it in me to that role again - of course I would if he were my partner/husband etc - but he isn't. And yet I care for him and can hardly bear this for him.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello and welcome @Ionising

You are right to think of yourself as that's very important for a carer, even if a spouse etc.

I'm sure your friend will get plenty of support from something like phone contact as emotional support is just as important as other forms of support.

You are being a good friend so know this for yourself

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Lonising and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. This is a very friendly and supportive community and you'll get lots of help and advice here, as well as people who will listen even if there isn't an immediate answer.
This isn't anything I have experience of, as it's my mother who has dementia, but I am wondering if you have a good relationship with his children? It might be a good idea to chat to them about what is happening with their father and what support they are putting in place for him. That way you can back up anything they are saying to him about the process of getting a diagnosis and what might be the best way forward. It would also give you a chance to tell them exactly how much help you are able to provide.
I'm sure someone who has been in a similar position will be along in a moment. That is the wonder of the place, there is such a wide range of knowledge available among the members of this site.

 

[Ionising]

Thank you karaokePete and Sarasa, for your response and consideration. I feel 'heard' and that's very soothing to my worries. Sarasa, I am in contact with one of his children and am kept up-to-date with everything that is happening - I am grateful for that and can comfortably raise any of my own concerns.

 

[father ted]

Hello Ionising,

You obviously still have a real regard and affection for your ex partner and he for you that is why he chooses to call you and also why you find it so hard to stand by and witness what he is going through.
He is fortunate to have good support from his adult children and you get along with them.
You are also quite wise to acknowledge that you know what you are prepared to do and not do should the tests confirm a diagnosis.
For the time being that is enough. You are providing emotional support over the phone and this will be very important to him, his children and indeed for you too to know that you are caring in your own way for someone you love but have no responsibility for.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Ionising

You are a carer because you so obviously care. This only means whatever you feel able to give is enough and the person who has dementia is lucky to have you in their life

 

[Ionising]

Hello Ionising,

You obviously still have a real regard and affection for your ex partner and he for you that is why he chooses to call you and also why you find it so hard to stand by and witness what he is going through.
He is fortunate to have good support from his adult children and you get along with them.
You are also quite wise to acknowledge that you know what you are prepared to do and not do should the tests confirm a diagnosis.
For the time being that is enough. You are providing emotional support over the phone and this will be very important to him, his children and indeed for you too to know that you are caring in your own way for someone you love but have no responsibility for.

father ted, you eloquently articulated so well my feelings and conveying that what I am offering is valuable and meaningful to him, and therefore ultimately, to me. Thank you so much.

 

[Ionising]

Grannie G thank you so very much x