• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

I'm not getting any better at this

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
0
North East England
We had a special occasion today and had a very low key tea party. It went okay, could have been worse, but could have been better. I didn't enjoy it. Mam's behaviour upset me, embarrassed me, and made me ashamed that I still can't handle it very well. I start thinking I can, then realise that I can't. I honestly don't know how dad stands it. Please don't tell me it's the illness because I know that, but it's still my mam's mouth that these horrible things come out of, my mam's hands that slap, my mam's face that scowls and grimaces at us.

I came home thankful that it was over, then started worrying about Christmas Day. Is this what life is going to be like from now on and forever more until the end?

I feel very unhappy tonight.
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
0
It doesn't help at all to be told it is the illness does it. Because it is the person you thought you knew and loved, and they are doing these terrible things. I don't think it is anything to be ashamed of that you don't feel you can handle it well. I don't really know what handling it well is any more.
I still find it unbelievable that my mum has become how she is. I can't even say you will find a way of dealing with it because i don't think I have even started to deal with anything, I have just shut it all off. I don't remember her how she used to be either.
Who knows what the future is, how long the suffering will last and what will happen even tomorrow.
But dont ever give up hope that life will improve
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
4,315
0
Midlands
I feel like you today, but on another level.
Mum completely refused to get up and go to the loo all day. By bedtime her pad was, as you can imagine, disintergrating and she stank.
Will today be the same? is this a new phase? I hope not, been here before.

How do I deal with it without getting cross/upset/whatever?

By Tue we will be doing UTI again ( not suprising really) and all that comes with it.

Happy Sunday ......:rolleyes:
 

zeeeb

Registered User
Snap... Me and my partner spend hours agonising over how we will cope with Christmas, easter, mothers day, fathers day, etc. etc. I have no idea how they cope day to day, but it sure stresses me out having to deal with the little I have to deal with.

I understand it's not about me, and it's a whole lot worse for mum, but yeah, I feel your pain. I have to brace myself for each visit, and debrief for hours (sometimes days) after each visit.

I guess it doesn't say much about me, but, it is what it is. Plenty more hell to come I'm sure.
 

13minerva

Registered User
Oct 12, 2013
8
0
margate kent
pads!!!!!!

I feel like you today, but on another level.
Mum completely refused to get up and go to the loo all day. By bedtime her pad was, as you can imagine, disintergrating and she stank.
Will today be the same? is this a new phase? I hope not, been here before.

How do I deal with it without getting cross/upset/whatever?

By Tue we will be doing UTI again ( not suprising really) and all that comes with it.

Happy Sunday ......:rolleyes:

Hello My sister was just the same we used to take her out and she would be soaking wet then I discovered she hadn't even put a pad on or any underclothes: (We keep a spray of Rug doctor for urine now in the car)
I explained to my niece who said that she was so ashamed that her mother was in such a state, I then decided to take things in hand and went to my sister's doctor who put me onto the incontinence nurses:although again she wouldn't wear the pads:After a while again I took things in hand and asked for a care package where my sister would have help 3 times a day: The carer comes in and changes her pads: but she has been known to take them off just afterwards and throw them away:
Now she is in a special Sheltered Housing complex where she has been know to wear her pad/knickers over her trousers: I must admit that when we take her out now I don't worry so much about her wetness and concentrate on her enjoying doing maybe retail therapy, but that is a whole new ball game::)
 

13minerva

Registered User
Oct 12, 2013
8
0
margate kent
moods

We had a special occasion today and had a very low key tea party. It went okay, could have been worse, but could have been better. I didn't enjoy it. Mam's behaviour upset me, embarrassed me, and made me ashamed that I still can't handle it very well. I start thinking I can, then realise that I can't. I honestly don't know how dad stands it. Please don't tell me it's the illness because I know that, but it's still my mam's mouth that these horrible things come out of, my mam's hands that slap, my mam's face that scowls and grimaces at us.

I came home thankful that it was over, then started worrying about Christmas Day. Is this what life is going to be like from now on and forever more until the end?

I feel very unhappy tonight.

Hello My sister phones me 6/7 times a day saying that shge is going to runaway from the special sheltered housing that I moved her too 2 weeks ago: She says she hates it there and people are stealing from her etc., I Listen then change the subject completely, I never comment on what she has said except to say "Oh Dear": I then ask her what sought of day she has had and has anyone visited her(I live over 80 miles away and can only make the trip, now she is being cared for, every 9/10 days)
She soon forgets all that she has previously said and tells me that she keeps getting lost and that she does't like to keep asking questions as she is so new there:then she will tell me she has had telephone calls and visits from her daughter: We usually end with me recalling things from the past and then she laughs and apologises for being a moaner: which I reply "If you can't moan at me who can you moan too" again she will laugh and then say laughingly "Get off the line" I say Goodbye and I Love you, she always replies the same: I have got in the habit of writing to her everyday: Just titbits about what my husband and I have been up to that day but in the letter I always say is she eating properly and that if she gets upset my telephone number is by her side near her sofa) She looks forward to these letters: Like you with your mother my sister is always on my mind)but at least now I know she isn't living on her own with no-one to care for her needs: That gives me a bit of piece of mind: There is a song that says: "One day at a time please Jesus" that's all we can do:;)
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
0
hertfordshire
We had a special occasion today and had a very low key tea party. It went okay, could have been worse, but could have been better. I didn't enjoy it. Mam's behaviour upset me, embarrassed me, and made me ashamed that I still can't handle it very well. I start thinking I can, then realise that I can't. I honestly don't know how dad stands it. Please don't tell me it's the illness because I know that, but it's still my mam's mouth that these horrible things come out of, my mam's hands that slap, my mam's face that scowls and grimaces at us.

I came home thankful that it was over, then started worrying about Christmas Day. Is this what life is going to be like from now on and forever more until the end?

I feel very unhappy tonight.

Hi, virtual hugs (()) coming your way CollegeGirl, I know exactly what you mean, it is so hard, I too am dreading Christmas Day and my Mum is in a Care Home, but Dad will probably want me to help him bring her home for the day and will expect me to arrange meal etc and he will go around saying how great it is and I will be a quivering wreck looking forward to the end of it. Sorry you are feeling unhappy xx

Ange
 

stillcaring

Registered User
Sep 4, 2011
215
0
I'm another one dreading Christmas Day...

they want turkey, but can't manage to eat it, spit it out and put everyone else off their dinner.
They forget why they're at your house, but would remember it was Christmas if you left them at home.
YOu buy them presents for everyone and help them wrap and label them but they still spend all day worrying that they forgot to buy presents for the children.
Either they stay forever and resent it when you say you need to take them home because the rest of your family just want to go to bed, or they insist on being taken home between the turkey and the pudding.

My children are aged 16 to 21 and we've never had a Christmas without at least one demanding elderly person. I'm not sure the kids are even all going to come home this year.
 

Mamsgirl

Registered User
Jun 2, 2013
635
0
Melbourne, Australia
Hi CG, sorry to hear you're feeling a bit bruised at the moment. We've had dozens of family occasions where allowances of one sort or another have been made for a grandparent with dementia (three to date and another waiting in the wings we fear), there's been plenty of "out there" behaviour but no aggression. I don't know it'd be worth the angst in all honesty, or particularly fair to other family members.

Sounds so heartless when I see it in black and white, like family membership is somehow conditional on good behaviour. Very difficult one.....
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
0
North East England
I feel like piggy in the middle, trying to support everyone, and feeling that I'm not succeeding very well and that I actually end up letting everyone down.

My dad was delighted with the efforts we'd gone to. Mam was indifferent and then angry and nasty. My elder daughter and her boyfriend saw for the first time just how bad it can be. My younger daughter ended up feeling ill. And I just wanted to cry at it all.

And it could have been worse.
 

chris53

Registered User
Nov 9, 2009
2,929
0
London
Hi CG, hope your mind is a bit more settled now, ohhhhh I wish I could take away the feeling you are having with thinking you are letting everyone down, I do this so much and beat myself big time, however since dementia decided to come into our lives, I feel this even more, I cannot cure, I can help as much as possible I cannot stop these feelings of thinking I am not doing enough/doing it right etc, i know my mum and mum in law would throw their hands up in horror on how they can be, and how difficult it is for myself and husband at times to live a normal life, they did-and did not have dementia with their parents, I am so sorry that your daughters at their young age have been so upset with what is happening and I wish you all a better day tomorrow or even a few minutes of peace when you can just be yourselves.
Take care CG, big hugs xxxx
 

kingmidas1962

Registered User
Jun 10, 2012
3,535
0
South Gloucs
Other than to offer a hug, and some sympathy I dont know what to say apart from that I know how you feel ...

I dont even think its a case of feeling that you're getting any better or worse at it, I dont know if its something you can get better at - or learn to tolerate, I dont know. I'm a fine one to talk as my mum pushes my buttons constantly ....

I know so well the dread that sets in before, during and after situations - before when youre dreading what's to come, during when youre on tenterhooks waiting FOR something to happen, and after ... thinking that if you got through it, theres always another something to come. I know how it feels, I really do.

We all just plough on through don't we? I know how many times it's been said that 'its the disease' but it's hard to divorce that from the person who is affected .

I dont know your situation exactly, but if you are SO upset by seeing your mother, and she seemingly is not keen on you being there either, do you HAVE to be? If youre being around to support our dad, I understand that too

Have a hug and a big kiss anyway (((xxxx)))
 

Bumblegirl

Registered User
Nov 17, 2012
86
0
Hi CG
I'm so sorry things are tough.

I had written a long post but deleted it as it turned into a long moan about my mum and that is not fair as it is not her fault. I just wanted to say that I understand.

BG
 

Hair Twiddler

Registered User
Aug 14, 2012
891
0
Middle England
I don't know what Bumblegirl had written in the reply which she deleted but I think that I would have probably read it nodding my head - thanks to Bumblegirl & Kingmidas for saying SO much that I too feel.
Love & support from someone else x
 

supporter1

Registered User
Sep 14, 2012
219
0
Difficult this path we are all walking isnt it !

Never easy dealing with aggression and other issues like this . The person you loved changes into someone that at times you feel is totally changed and you have lost that relationship you once treasured.

I know at times I feel totally helpless and I am trying to swim with the tide rather than against it and just accept how things are now ( my way of coping ).

It just makes me feel so very sad and I read your posts and it seems to be how your feeling too ( feel free to correct me if I am wrong ;)).

My father has very challenging behaviour and is disinhibited. I cringe sometimes with some of the things he says and does. It is not my dad but it still is too.

So I am sending a cyber hug as I think you maybe need one right now ;)
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
0
North East England
I feel like I'm in limbo, waiting for something to happen, I don't know what. Suspect mam has a UTI, dad's going to start antibiotics tonight, and not sure if he'll take her to respite tomorrow. Just when things start looking up. I knew things were too good to be true. Why do I get my hopes up?
 

fullmoon

Registered User
May 22, 2013
331
0
CG I truly relate to everything you and others have said. I am ashamed to say that I limit mums public outings these days:eek:. Then I feel guilty :(. Loud comments when shopping about how fat a person is and her attraction to babies do not inspire any confidence in social situations. This illness tests tolerance to the limits and is an emotional rollercoaster. Sending you hugs x
 

tiggs72

Registered User
Jul 15, 2013
142
0
Hi CG

You have nothing to feel guilty about . Dad has AD and fingers crossed is pretty placid and compliant. His sister though (shes 90) has VD and when I was growing up she pretty much took the place of my mum so we were very close, however VD has turned her into this foul mouthed aggressive person to such an extent I no longer visit her at the home! Most of the staff are understanding and realise I'm more needed using this time to sort out dad than visiting someone who not only does not recognise me but on my last visit called me a 'filthy *****!' And thru a packet of biscuits at me as she believed I was trying to steel her boyfriend!!!!

I too know it's the disease not her but you can't do anything to help this disease and maybe without sounding harsh you should try and have a Xmas for just you and yr family? There's nothing you can do to make he mum have a good Xmas if the dementia has her in a bad way but you and the rest of yr family can. Maybe respite over Christmas could be and option?

Thoughts with u as ever xx
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
0
North East England
Oh if only I could. Can't abandon dad, though. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't let mam go into respite over Christmas unless it was absolutely necessary, but I will try to broach it with him because that would be the answer, if he would allow it.

Sorry, I've been so miserable since Saturday I haven't even said thank you for everyone's support. So, thank you.

xx