I'm new to Talking Point

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by sukaren, Nov 19, 2015.

  1. chris53

    chris53 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2009
    2,929
    London
    Good afternoon Lou:) just wanted to welcome you to Talking Point, so sorry your nan is on the dementia journey, it can get tough but much understanding and support here by the bucketful, there is usually someone around to talk to whatever the problem may be.
    take care and keep posting
    Chris x
     
  2. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    Hello Lou, glad you found us :) Very welcome to TP - come here to chat, to laugh, to cry or to ask questions, we will always be glad to see you xxx
     
  3. beverrino

    beverrino Registered User

    Jan 12, 2015
    1,111
    hello Sukeran and welcome from me too. Its a wonderful place to go - so much support and caring. Keep posting its lovely to hear from you, we are all one big family on here. Take care - hugs from me xxxxx
     
  4. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    839
    Fife Scotland
    Hi Sue and welcome to TP you will find much support and many friends here.
     
  5. sukaren

    sukaren Registered User

    Nov 18, 2015
    10
    Wiltshire
    What a good concept the the guilt monster - Thank you taken on board!!
     
  6. sukaren

    sukaren Registered User

    Nov 18, 2015
    10
    Wiltshire
    Hello Lou,
    Yes, I agree I was amazed too by the lovely welcome restores your faith in human nature doesn't it. I'm very sorry about your Nan love, and yes it is awful very hard on all concerned, however, I think we'll be OK here with these lovely people. God bless.
     
  7. sukaren

    sukaren Registered User

    Nov 18, 2015
    10
    Wiltshire
    Thank you sweetheart xxxx
     
  8. sukaren

    sukaren Registered User

    Nov 18, 2015
    10
    Wiltshire
    The Parting

    Hello Everyone,
    I wonder if someone can help me with this distressing situation?
    When I'm leaving from my visits with mum She has started to make the parting very harrowing. She insists on coming to see me off but she grabs my arm and says" I don't like it I want to come with you take me with you" or she tries to prevent me from leaving this is very upsetting and shreds me! The staff at mum's care home are wonderful and now I have flagged this problem upto them one or two of them will come and intervene and distract her while I make a dash for the lift but it's still a horrible thing to have to do and by the time I get to my car I'm in bits a sobbing wrack! Then sometimes when I get home mum is on the phone with an excuse to talk to me and it's starts all over again - sometimes she can be quite hurtful by saying things like "If I'd put my parents in a place like this they would have killed me etc - Has anyone else had to handle a similar situation?
     
  9. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    1,366
    Lancashire
    Not had to handle that myself but I've heard TPers say that they don't actually say they are going, just say they are nipping to the loo & don't go back. Also you could say that she is there under doctors orders till she's "stronger" or whatever.
     
  10. sukaren

    sukaren Registered User

    Nov 18, 2015
    10
    Wiltshire
    Thank you Lizzy.
     
  11. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,077
    Yorkshire
    Morning sukaren
    Would it be possible to time your visits before a mealtime so that you stay for however long you wish, then take her in to the meal - or ask a member of staff to come and collect her (then it's almost as if she's leaving you) - and just disappear - or if she will accept this, a quick see you (whenever you will visit next).
    Sometimes I've said I'm popping out to the shops and 'Is there anything I can get you?' - which implies I'll be back but leaves it open as to when.
    I did try the 'going to the loo' bit but apparently dad actually remembered and came looking for me - wasn't a problem as he sat in the lounge and had a slice of toast and a chat with the staff.
    When he had a bad few days I did stay to put him to bed and did his usual bedtime routine, which he seemed to accept - but I'm not willing to do that all the time.
    I found any excuse for him not to come to the door with me - 'no, you stay in your chair, you look so comfortable' or 'you watch your favourite programme, it's on now' or whatever will suit the moment.
    Don't put on coats and such in her view, maybe leave them in the car or an office.
    'Fraid it's not an exact science.
    As for the phone calls - you know the staff will call you for anything significant, so ignore the calls until you want to answer (you may not want to at all). You know she is safe, so the calls are not 'necessary'. Does she call other people, (and if she does, is she pleasant to them)? Because her phone could suffer an 'accident' and need to be repaired - and never replaced. If you do answer, start with 'oh mum, so sorry, only got a (2,3 ...) minute, must pick up (name)/just off to do the shopping/cake will burn etc'
    Sorry to sound mean - it's a case of self-preservation. You know you've visited, so you know she's fine really.
     
  12. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    I am a member of various fora. This one has little of the behaviour that is often found in cyberland. You will find information, advice and support here, in spades!
     
  13. sukaren

    sukaren Registered User

    Nov 18, 2015
    10
    Wiltshire
    Advise

    Thank you, you have given me some very good advise, very much appreciated! I'm yet to conker my gilt feelings plus I worry she might feel that I have abandoned her and yet I really should remember that that isn't how her mind will work I find it a struggle to accept she isn't the mum I new anymore so afraid of hurting her yet your so right it is a question of self preservation. By the way I LOVE! Your quote!!

    Thank you again x
     

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