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I'm new to Talking Point

chris53

Registered User
Nov 9, 2009
2,929
London
Hello Sue,
My nan was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia last year in August, it's awful.
I am new on here too and found this site yesterday!
I am amazed at the amount of kind words, advice and general tips for anyone who cares for or is part of someone with Dementia / Alzheimers life.
Already it seems easier with support :)
x
Good afternoon Lou:) just wanted to welcome you to Talking Point, so sorry your nan is on the dementia journey, it can get tough but much understanding and support here by the bucketful, there is usually someone around to talk to whatever the problem may be.
take care and keep posting
Chris x
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
Hello Sue,
My nan was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia last year in August, it's awful.
I am new on here too and found this site yesterday!
I am amazed at the amount of kind words, advice and general tips for anyone who cares for or is part of someone with Dementia / Alzheimers life.
Already it seems easier with support :)
x
Hello Lou, glad you found us :) Very welcome to TP - come here to chat, to laugh, to cry or to ask questions, we will always be glad to see you xxx
 

beverrino

Registered User
Jan 12, 2015
1,110
hello Sukeran and welcome from me too. Its a wonderful place to go - so much support and caring. Keep posting its lovely to hear from you, we are all one big family on here. Take care - hugs from me xxxxx
 

sukaren

Registered User
Nov 18, 2015
10
Wiltshire
We have a big stick that we pass around to whoever is being attacked by the guilt monster, seems it's your turn! If you had put Mum in there because you couldn't be bothered caring for her then that is one thing but you didn't. She's there for her own good, she is safe, warm, fed & cared for 24/7 something which you couldn't do. You have a life too. You are important too.
Time to pick up the stick & beat GM with it, be warned, he is persistent. Scarlett had a thread on "I have a partner with dementia" page talking about guilt, check it out. Better still someone more computer savvy than me will attach it here for you.
What a good concept the the guilt monster - Thank you taken on board!!
 

sukaren

Registered User
Nov 18, 2015
10
Wiltshire
Hello Sue,
My nan was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia last year in August, it's awful.
I am new on here too and found this site yesterday!
I am amazed at the amount of kind words, advice and general tips for anyone who cares for or is part of someone with Dementia / Alzheimers life.
Already it seems easier with support :)
x
Hello Lou,
Yes, I agree I was amazed too by the lovely welcome restores your faith in human nature doesn't it. I'm very sorry about your Nan love, and yes it is awful very hard on all concerned, however, I think we'll be OK here with these lovely people. God bless.
 

sukaren

Registered User
Nov 18, 2015
10
Wiltshire
The Parting

Hello Everyone,
I wonder if someone can help me with this distressing situation?
When I'm leaving from my visits with mum She has started to make the parting very harrowing. She insists on coming to see me off but she grabs my arm and says" I don't like it I want to come with you take me with you" or she tries to prevent me from leaving this is very upsetting and shreds me! The staff at mum's care home are wonderful and now I have flagged this problem upto them one or two of them will come and intervene and distract her while I make a dash for the lift but it's still a horrible thing to have to do and by the time I get to my car I'm in bits a sobbing wrack! Then sometimes when I get home mum is on the phone with an excuse to talk to me and it's starts all over again - sometimes she can be quite hurtful by saying things like "If I'd put my parents in a place like this they would have killed me etc - Has anyone else had to handle a similar situation?
 

lizzybean

Registered User
Feb 3, 2014
1,366
Lancashire
Hello Everyone,
I wonder if someone can help me with this distressing situation?
When I'm leaving from my visits with mum She has started to make the parting very harrowing. She insists on coming to see me off but she grabs my arm and says" I don't like it I want to come with you take me with you" or she tries to prevent me from leaving this is very upsetting and shreds me! The staff at mum's care home are wonderful and now I have flagged this problem upto them one or two of them will come and intervene and distract her while I make a dash for the lift but it's still a horrible thing to have to do and by the time I get to my car I'm in bits a sobbing wrack! Then sometimes when I get home mum is on the phone with an excuse to talk to me and it's starts all over again - sometimes she can be quite hurtful by saying things like "If I'd put my parents in a place like this they would have killed me etc - Has anyone else had to handle a similar situation?
Not had to handle that myself but I've heard TPers say that they don't actually say they are going, just say they are nipping to the loo & don't go back. Also you could say that she is there under doctors orders till she's "stronger" or whatever.
 

sukaren

Registered User
Nov 18, 2015
10
Wiltshire
Not had to handle that myself but I've heard TPers say that they don't actually say they are going, just say they are nipping to the loo & don't go back. Also you could say that she is there under doctors orders till she's "stronger" or whatever.
Thank you Lizzy.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,128
Yorkshire
Morning sukaren
Would it be possible to time your visits before a mealtime so that you stay for however long you wish, then take her in to the meal - or ask a member of staff to come and collect her (then it's almost as if she's leaving you) - and just disappear - or if she will accept this, a quick see you (whenever you will visit next).
Sometimes I've said I'm popping out to the shops and 'Is there anything I can get you?' - which implies I'll be back but leaves it open as to when.
I did try the 'going to the loo' bit but apparently dad actually remembered and came looking for me - wasn't a problem as he sat in the lounge and had a slice of toast and a chat with the staff.
When he had a bad few days I did stay to put him to bed and did his usual bedtime routine, which he seemed to accept - but I'm not willing to do that all the time.
I found any excuse for him not to come to the door with me - 'no, you stay in your chair, you look so comfortable' or 'you watch your favourite programme, it's on now' or whatever will suit the moment.
Don't put on coats and such in her view, maybe leave them in the car or an office.
'Fraid it's not an exact science.
As for the phone calls - you know the staff will call you for anything significant, so ignore the calls until you want to answer (you may not want to at all). You know she is safe, so the calls are not 'necessary'. Does she call other people, (and if she does, is she pleasant to them)? Because her phone could suffer an 'accident' and need to be repaired - and never replaced. If you do answer, start with 'oh mum, so sorry, only got a (2,3 ...) minute, must pick up (name)/just off to do the shopping/cake will burn etc'
Sorry to sound mean - it's a case of self-preservation. You know you've visited, so you know she's fine really.
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,761
South coast of England
Hello Sue,
My nan was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia last year in August, it's awful.
I am new on here too and found this site yesterday!
I am amazed at the amount of kind words, advice and general tips for anyone who cares for or is part of someone with Dementia / Alzheimers life.
Already it seems easier with support :)
x
I am a member of various fora. This one has little of the behaviour that is often found in cyberland. You will find information, advice and support here, in spades!
 

sukaren

Registered User
Nov 18, 2015
10
Wiltshire
Advise

Morning sukaren
Would it be possible to time your visits before a mealtime so that you stay for however long you wish, then take her in to the meal - or ask a member of staff to come and collect her (then it's almost as if she's leaving you) - and just disappear - or if she will accept this, a quick see you (whenever you will visit next).
Sometimes I've said I'm popping out to the shops and 'Is there anything I can get you?' - which implies I'll be back but leaves it open as to when.
I did try the 'going to the loo' bit but apparently dad actually remembered and came looking for me - wasn't a problem as he sat in the lounge and had a slice of toast and a chat with the staff.
When he had a bad few days I did stay to put him to bed and did his usual bedtime routine, which he seemed to accept - but I'm not willing to do that all the time.
I found any excuse for him not to come to the door with me - 'no, you stay in your chair, you look so comfortable' or 'you watch your favourite programme, it's on now' or whatever will suit the moment.
Don't put on coats and such in her view, maybe leave them in the car or an office.
'Fraid it's not an exact science.
As for the phone calls - you know the staff will call you for anything significant, so ignore the calls until you want to answer (you may not want to at all). You know she is safe, so the calls are not 'necessary'. Does she call other people, (and if she does, is she pleasant to them)? Because her phone could suffer an 'accident' and need to be repaired - and never replaced. If you do answer, start with 'oh mum, so sorry, only got a (2,3 ...) minute, must pick up (name)/just off to do the shopping/cake will burn etc'
Sorry to sound mean - it's a case of self-preservation. You know you've visited, so you know she's fine really.
Thank you, you have given me some very good advise, very much appreciated! I'm yet to conker my gilt feelings plus I worry she might feel that I have abandoned her and yet I really should remember that that isn't how her mind will work I find it a struggle to accept she isn't the mum I new anymore so afraid of hurting her yet your so right it is a question of self preservation. By the way I LOVE! Your quote!!

Thank you again x