I've only just joined too. Well last week but what a week it has been. I've been gobsmacked by this site and am absolutely amazed at how helpful it is to me. I now have the opportunity to think about myself, express myself and make contact with others who are trying to deal with similar situations.It certainly has made me more aware of just how conflicting my emotions are. You said your father has alzheimer and I wonder where you are on this journey. My husband has a dementia of the fronto temperal lobe and he has lost the ability to speak so that others understand him. This is putting it simply because it involves so many other things as well but we are still able to have good and normal days. However, I have also just realised that our "normal" days are not at all normal to others. I see people looking at me and it seems they're thinking "how on earth does she cope?" I feel like screaming that this is nothing, that Alan would probably be a lot better if you would just try to understand what he's saying.