1. jarnee

    jarnee Registered User

    Mar 18, 2006
    Hi I am new here....just a bit of background......

    My dad has had AD for about 5 or 6 years and mum has been caring for him at home. (i'm their only child and live about 120 miles away)
    Sadly, mum's cancer took a turn for the worse about Christmas time. She went into a hospice about 6 weeks ago and dad had to go into respite care. It took some while for him to settle, but quetiapine helped.
    Sadly, my mum died about 12 days ago. We have had to put dad into permanent residential care. Fortunately we have found him somewhere near us.

    It has been a rollercoaster couple of months with countless journeys up and down the motorway and i feel drained !!! :eek:

    Although dad settled at the home up north, he has recently moved to the new one ( about a week ago) and is becoming very aggressive. I find this very upsetting and frightening and I just don't know what to do.

    I felt so alone until I discovered this site....it might just be the support I need and I hope that, in time, I can be a support to others too.

    Any help & tips in these early stages of having dad in care would be gratefully received.

  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Jarnee,
    What a terrible time you have been having, I'm so sorry about your mum. Your dad will be OK. The change of home will have been confusing for him; your mum's death (whether he understands or not, you don't say) will affect him, because he will pick up the vibes from you. It is difficult when our loved ones behave in a way that is alien to us, but give dad time to settle. Maybe his medication may need adjusting. I am sure that others will be able to give you more idea than I can.

    You must be exhausted. Give yourself time to grieve for your mum. Take comfort in that your dad is safe and being cared for. Know that now you have found this site you are not alone. Though no-one is in exactly your position, each of us know a little of what you are experiencing. Take care, and I look forward to getting to know you.
  3. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    Ronda Spain
    jarnee hi,

    welcome to the forum - really sorry to hear about your Mum - they are frequently so special and when they die the sense of loss is dreadful - so sad.

    You seem to have done very well getting your dad into a home close to you. At least the endless drives are now ended.

    I can only speak from my own experience with my wife but others will post to you as well. Aggressiveness appears to part of this sickness called Alzheimer's. For some it goes away after a time and for others like Norman's wife, it seems to go on and on and on.... I think it is something to do with the basic character of the sufferer - if they are a fighter or not but at the same time some very gentle people start using amazingly bad language and are ready for 12 rounds with Tyson... Try not to beat yourself up - Talk to the Doctor - there are drugs to relieve the aggressiveness - TIAPRIDAL for one - that's its French name TIOPRIDE is another name for the same thing. Your Doctor will know and if its suitable....

    I will think of you - sounds like a dreadful time

  4. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    Hi Jarnee,

    Welcome to this forum ..... I'm only recently joined too. What a good thing to have found it. Sorry to hear you've been having such a tough time. Haven't much to offer in terms of advice ..... i'm also in process of trying to settle dad (Lewy body dementia, diagnosed Feb 06) into a nursing home. Look after yourself and try to make a little time for yourself ..... I'm sure how stressed or not stressed I am has a knock on effect on how dad is. Looking after yourself will be good for your dad in the long run.

    best wishes,

  5. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through and am sure you will find it really helpful to be here.

    My dad died in November 2004 and my mum had to immediately go into care so I know how hard it is. As far as your father's aggression goes, I would wait and see and perhaps it will settle down. I say this because my mum was in an EMI care home for a year until she fell and broke her hip. She spent 8 weeks in hospital and was then moved to a nursing home. She seemed fine for the first few days but then went through a few days of being really horrible to me and my sister - aggressive, nasty etc. This was very upsetting but luckily she settled down again after a few days and now seems much happier. She has been in the new home for about 2 months and I would say she is just beginning to settle and appears to be bonding with the other residents - something I saw no evidence of in the first home she was in.

    It will at least be easier for you to be geographically closer to your dad. That must have made things so difficult. Luckily my sister and myself live close to my mum and we can be at the nursing home in 5-10 minutes.

    Let us know how things go. Try to take it one day at a time as far as you can.
  6. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Jarnee
    welcome to TP.I am sorry to hear of the bad times that you are going through,I am sure it will get a little better given time.
    My wife only gets verbally agressive,that comes and goes and I can cope with that
    Give Dad time to settle and speak to the GP if the agression continues,there is medication available to help.Post whenever you wish
  7. jarnee

    jarnee Registered User

    Mar 18, 2006
    thanks and hellllloooo !!!!!!!

    Thank you soooooo much to you all.

    We found £55 in mum's purse just after she died, so, she has just taken us out for a meal and we raised a glass to her.

    It means so much to know I am not alone. A few years ago,I had four rounds of IVF and found a similar site. it really helps.

    I will speak to the gp....until he went into respite care, he only had araseph, so quetiapne is new and maaybe it needs time or maybe it is not right.

    I look forward to getting to know everyone.

    Love Jarnee

  8. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    Hello Jarnee

    My Dad had a massive stroke suddenly in September 2004 and while he was in hospital for his last two weeks of life, we had to admit Mum to a home, she then was about 4 years into AD and completely unaware that her husband of 54 years had suddenly disappeared from her life, something we will always be thankful for.

    The stress, guilt and grieving were almost unbearable, it feels as though you have lost both precious parents at the same time, horrible and something I would not wish on anyone.

    Mum was stroppy for a couple of weeks, one of her sisters took over all the visiting etc so my sister and I could concentrate on Dad, so it was only later we found out the extent of her verbal assaults on everyone. However this phase was short- lived and she soon settled.

    Immediately after Dad died I threw all my energy into making sure Mum was well looked after and didn't give myself time to grieve for Dad, but it caught up with me a few months later, so make sure you allow yourself time to recover from your Mum's death and cry or rant or whatever it takes to let those emotions out.

    Look after yourself, thinking of you.

  9. jarnee

    jarnee Registered User

    Mar 18, 2006

    I can relate to your story completely as it virtually mirrors my own. THANK YOU !!

    Just like your mum, my dad has no knowledge of my mum's death and, in fact, has not mentioned her since he went into respite care originally. We tried to jog his memory be saying, "We're off to visit Ann in hospital" but he just shrugged his shoulders. Sometimes I think it is a blessing that he doesn't know as, before AD took over, he was devoted to her.

    He settled well into the respite home, so I hope the same will happen here.

    Thanks for the tip about grieving. It is true that, now the funeral is over (Thursday just gone) I do nothing but worry about my dad and being an only child, it is all down to me.
    Fortunately, my husband is great with dad and dad still recognises him.

    Thanks again for your response. I will look out for you on this site

  10. Whocares

    Whocares Registered User

    Mar 18, 2006
    Hi Jamee

    My Mum was agressive when she first went into a Care Home it didnt last, Maybe just the last little but of fight in her I dont know she is so different now the agressive times probably qualify as the good times.

    Sorry to be negative but I want to know "how long the piece of string is" and there are no answers.

    I would be happy if my mum was happy. She cries all the time. Some of other residents are chatty smiley, still crazy but somehow it seems better My Lovely old Mum is a tortured soul and does not say much that means anything these days.
    although when I went in yeterday she said "Hello how are you " and "where have you been?" It was so nice, like my babys first step it gladdened my heart.
  11. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I am sorry she cries ...


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