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I'm in turmoil

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by aquamolly, Jul 17, 2017.

  1. aquamolly

    aquamolly Registered User

    Dec 7, 2011
    My mum has lived with us for the past 6 years, we bought a house together (mum, me, my hubby and 2 boys) one that would give mum her own room downstairs. I've always tried to give her everything she wants, she came on holiday with us, we all went out at wkends etc. But mum seems to have deteriorated a lot in the last 12 months, and I put her into a home for 2 weeks respite-first time we'd ever done that. But she's been in @8wks because she needs a hoist and more care at home. SS will provide all this but if mum comes home she still won't be happy. She constantlysays how she hates the home and just wants to come home which kills me. She's also now stopped eating for over a week, and has no interest at all and can't face food. But if mum comes home (she's immobile hence the hoist) I can't give her 24hr care, I work and can lead a hectic life in/out of the house. She used to hate it when I'd dash in from work then dash straight back out again. I think I can see clearly that her being in the home is her best option for her health, but my heart says differently. Is this a normal reaction I'm having? My brother who is not local and has not been involved in her care thinks she should come home. But if she came home it has the potential to destroy my marriage as my hubby is the one who would end up doing everything as I'm not in perfect health myself. My boys are now young men and only one at home. Sorry if I've garbled.
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    No garbling needed to make it clear what the issues are. Your brother is not entitled to a say unless he is involved her care. She needs more than you can give so let go and be a visiting carer. There is no shame in admitting you're not a superwoman - who is? You have done your best now step back.
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Host

    Dec 15, 2012
    hi aquamolly
    welcome to posting; good to hear from you
    I totally agree with marionq - you have clearly been a wonderful carer for your mum - my guess is that the time she has been away has actually shown you how much you were doing, how much time was taken up, and how much energy expended - you've looked after your mum so well for all those years - now you need a team of folk around you, and they cannot come live in your home!!!
    you've just changed the site of her care
    you will visit her and monitor what happens in her care home - it's not at all that you are in any way abandoning her
    maybe suggest to your brother that should he think his mum is best looked after at home, no doubt his home is available and you'll be happy to visit as often as he has .....
    your feelings are completely understandable - it's so sad to have to accept that our parent now needs to live in a care home (my dad's been in his just over 2 years now); it would be detrimental to properly providing for their care needs were we not to accept that it has to happen for the best - doesn't mean we're happy about it; doesn't mean that there's no heart-ache involved
    be kind to yourself and your family - as kind as you are to your mum
    best wishes
  4. Oh Knickers

    Oh Knickers Registered User

    Nov 19, 2016
    I echo what the other 2 posters have said. IN addition, you mum sounds as though she has taken a downward dive. What she may be wanting, in her head, is her home of much further back. I think it was Lady A who said it took quite a few weeks for her husband to settle into care.

    The suggestion, should your brother still be mithering, is to use the suggestion already made and give him the opportunity to step up to the hotplate. If he continues, just stop and say 'That is a really good suggestion, when are you taking mum in?'.
  5. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Hi and welcome to TP. I'm glad you have found us - but sorry you have need of us (if that makes sense!).

    It's always hard to accept that, despite our best efforts, we cannot make our PWD (Person With Dementia) happy. Nor can we continue to provide the care they need :(

    Some of us might have made promises that are at odds with the decision to hand over to a residential home and that makes it harder.

    The fact is that no-one can do everything. Looking after a home and family and holding down a job can be difficult enough; caring for a PWD can be a 24/7 job. By my reckoning, that's 3 jobs I have just mentioned and only 1 person to do them. You can't fit a quart into a pint pot!

    Handing over the daily care to someone else does not mean that we don't care, nor that we have abandoned our PWD. It simply means that we have accepted that we can no longer provide the 24/7, hands on care. It also means that we can go back to being a welcome visitor rather than the full-time care giver (who can often bear the brunt of the PWD's anger and frustration).

    As for your brother - others have put it rather more politely than I would have!
  6. aquamolly

    aquamolly Registered User

    Dec 7, 2011
    Thank you for your reply. I just can't help feeling I've let her down. I scooped her up when she fell ill and always said I'd look after her, and now I feel I'm bailing out on her. I love her so much but I know she's not the same lady anymore. But now she's not eating either, I think she's just given up which hurts me as again I feel responsible by putting her into the care home, but I put her in because she needed so much more care and needs 24hr care, lol I have moments like now when I can hold my head up and say I've done the best I can. I suppose I need to hang on to that thought.
  7. Normaleila

    Normaleila Registered User

    Jun 4, 2016
    Hi. You have sons. Imagine if one of your sons had been very ill as a child, needing major surgery or long term treatment. He might have cried and begged you not to take him to hospital, not to let the surgeon operate. He might have cried every day to come home. But you would have been very brave and done what was best for him, not what he wanted.
    Well, now you are being very brave and doing what is best for your mother.
  8. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    #8 Linbrusco, Jul 17, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2017
    Hi. My parents lived directly behind me, and I was Mums main carer for 6 yrs, when her health declined and then 4yrs ago diagnsoed with AD.
    My husband already had health issues, and my daughter now 14 developed an auto immune disorder.
    When everything reached a point, my marriage was suffering and I knew I just couldnt cope much further, I came down with shingles, I knew something had to change.
    My husband needed surgery and I knew I couldnt cope caring for both, we had booked Mum in for 2 weeks respite. It ended up being permanent, and now a year this month.

    As much as I was upset for my Mum, I knew she would be getting the nursing care that she now needed. I had to develop a bit of a hard head, to overrule my heart.
    No matter how much support at home, it would not have been enough for me to cope physically, mentally, emotionally, which would ultimatlely be detrimental for Mum.
    It took Mum about 6 weeks to settle, but the change in her for the better, was heartening to see.
    Recent UTI's have put a spanner in the works, but she still needs more care than what we ( and I) could give.

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