I'm in 'trouble' .... sort of...

[DaisyG]

OK.... I need some help and advice if possible.

I recently showed my MIL a letter that we received in the week.

Prior to my husband going into respite he has a number of tests done by his Neurologists / Psychologisits.

Part of the letter states that .... my husband / her son.....
'is clearly in the severely impaired range' of his executive and memory functioning.


I thought it might help 'things sink-in' if she saw YET ANOTHER LETTER stating his / our problems.


It BACKFIRED !! She went bezerk... !!! Swore a little.....
SHE NEVER WANTS TO SEE ANY MORE OF THESE LETTERS...
What good do I think I am doing?....


She ALSO wants me to keep these letters away from my husband... so I
don't upset him any more.


What on EARTH can I do to make this IN LAW family of mine... REALISE THAT WE HAVE A PROBLEM?

How can I stop them ALL being in denial?

How can I make them beleive me? (When letters like that are even dismissed)


It's crazy.....


Sorry for ranting....




On another note...

We've another referal to a 'BUDDY SERVICE' ... run by AGE CONCERN.
They deal with ALZ sufferers... Looks a little like CROSSROADS....

ANY help will be greatly received....

If only they could make my IN LAWS beleive 'ME'....


Thanks for your support....


DaisyG

 

[Brucie]

Hi DaisyG

at the end of the day, it is not a lot to do with them, as you are his wife.

If they are not going to support you, and therefore, him, then it is probably best just to do your own thing to ensure that you and your husband are appropriately ok.

Might be a bumpy road, by the sound of them, but you can't bang your head against a brick wall forever.

 

[Amy]

Hiya Daisy,
You have done what you can with your in-laws, now just get on and live your lives. Assume that you will get nothing from them, - then you can't be disappointed. You make the decisions about what you do or don't share with your husband - you two are the unit.
Hope you get a buddy sorted out.
Love Helen

 

[Helena]

Your In laws are a total disgrace ......they obviously belong to the "denial group"

If they say it is not happening often enough its true ........IF ONLY IT WAS

 

[Amy]

Hey Helena, that's a bit strong. We do not know what is going on in their heads. We don't know why they are unable to accept the truth about their son/ brother. They are the ones who are missing out by not taking the time to develop a relationship with him as he is now. As Bruce says, the ultimate responsibility now is Daisy's, she is his wife. The same as the ultimate responsibility for your mum is yours and your sister's. You are the people who need to show understanding,arrange care and take responsibility for decisions.
Love Helen.

 

[DickG]

Hi DaisyG

As Brucie says it is down to you. If your inlaws choose not to support you and your husband that is regrettable and one day they will realise how wrong they are. If you recieve no help from them then seek it elsewhere, you will be surprised at the help that is available. Keep in touch.

Hugs

Dick

 

[DaisyG]

Family !!

I TOTALLY agree with Helena on my in laws being a disgrace!!

I am ashamed of them all (IN LAWS) and their attitude towards US.


While they hardly ever visit or phone I am expected to 'listen' to their comments on what they 'all think' of ME....

And how they all think I am 'doing'...


I have the 'problem' in that when they do ... (did you see that pig fly by ?) visit..... it is for such a short time that they don't really get a 'clear picture' of what I have to 'deal with'


They think I make a lot of things up!!


They have 'an excuse of an answer' ready... if he does do 'something' out of the ordinary....


When he goes into hospital for assesments etc ... or his recent respite.... is a good 'test' ... those people 'that matter' 'SEE HIM' in a totally different light.


They don't even believe him when 'they do the MMSE' on him themselves!!
They think he is 'making out' like he doesn't know!! ..... to get more 'tablets / drugs' than he really needs !!


GGGGGRRRRRR .... they make me so mad I could scream....


I'm moaning again... oooppss sorry !!


Take Care

DaisyG

 

[Helena]

Daisy .......I am with you all the way ......screaming is the only way to vent ones frustration

I know a man who is perfectly sane but diabetic and simply refuses to understand what diabetes means

He thinks because the diabetic nurse says he can have "a " biscuit that means its OK to have several

he can have cereal so he thinks its OK to have sugar puffs

I could go on but the piece de resistance is " i will have a piece of Pavlova i only need to take another tablet "!!!!!!!!!!!

Denial is the way some people cope with disease in themselves and their relatives

 

[jude1950]

Hi Daisy.
. I think the only thing to do for your own sanity is cut yourself off from them it seems as though the are in complete denial and nothing you say or do will convince them ...let them get on with it and you concentrate on yourself and your husband.
love judith

 

[DaisyG]

Daisy Family Update

Hi,


Tried to ignore the 'family' and their insults... but if I don't ring them with 'updates' etc.... they 'have a go at me'... for being careless and thoughtless... for NOT ringing.

They've called me selfish for not keeping in touch !!


Tried to do the 'cut off' ... not ringing etc... etc...


IT IS UP TO ME TO KEEP 'THEM ALL' INFORMED OF WHAT IS GOING ON ..... NOT THEM !!! ..... AS I HAVE MORE TIME FOR THINGS LIKE PHONE CALLS....



I feel 'bullied' by some of them, and don't know what to do.....
It's been this way for ages....


So... that's my in-laws for you....


Take Care


DaisyG

 

[jenniferpa]

Daisy - do they have email? It might be easier for you to keep in touch with these horrors that way.

Jennifer

 

[mel]

Hi Daisy
Your posts really make my blood boil.!!
Why do you have to phone them?
i feel so sorry that you are not getting the support you so need.
i agree with Helena....they are TOTAL disgrace!
You are doing a fantastic job, Daisy and don't let them grind you down!!
Love
Wendy
x

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hi Daisy,
I think Jennifer has a good idea about the email - less stressful for you. Write it up once, make it fairly bland & innocuous and then copy it each time you send it to them. If there's no email, do the same thing with a regular letter - write once, print forever - just change the dates.

If they get snotty, just do the wide-eyed innocent "but there's nothing wrong with him, you told me so yourself".

In other words, effectively cut them off without cutting them off. They will regret it in the end, as Dick said, but you need to focus on a way to keep them off your back & not driving you insane.

Keeping yourself healthy & on track is THE priority so you can take care of your husband. I know it's hard to ignore them (I have an idiot aunt, who once said my mother was a lot better when she drank lots of water). Maybe you should consider some counselling for yourself on how to deal with bullies. Because that sounds like what they are.

Remember, we pick our friends but not our relatives.

Joanne

 

[Margarita]

Why let them make you feel like a victim when you say that you feel there bullying you.

You have no control in how to change your in-laws in the way they see what is happening to your husband.


The only control you have is over yourself


You sound like you’re on the ball with what is happening with your husband you’re the lucky one.

I did not believe for a good year or so what was happening with my mum not even when she had brain scan, denial is a way of not facing reality so you don’t have to face the grief, feeling, when it sinks in with your in-laws no matter how long it take, they are going to thank –you for your courage in how your coping now .

Who wants to admit that there son has dementia. I tell you I would be the worst MIL on earth if it happens to my son. Look how long it took me to believe it was happening to my mother.

What was your MIL relationship towards you before this happen to your husband?

 

[mel]

"Why let them make you feel like a victim when you say that you feel there bullying you.

You have no control in how to change your in-laws in the way they see what is happening to your husband.


The only control you have is over yourself


You sound like you’re on the ball with what is happening with your husband you’re the lucky one."


Well said Margarita!!!
Love
Wendy

 

[DickG]

Hi Daisy

Ignorance is bliss!! Your lot seem to have cornered the market in bliss. It makes me so angry that there are such selfish, opinionated, ignorant, insensitive..... b*****s on the loose and you are on your own standing against them. I only wish that I could offer more than words to help. Sorry but I must stop now to try and reduce my blood pressure.

Hugs

Dick

 

[mel]

Hear , Hear Dick
I think you feel as mad as I do!!!
Love Wendy

 

[DaisyG]

Family.....

Hi All.

I'm hoping that this new (to us) service that we have been offered recently the
'BUDDY SERVICE' will be able to offer some 'advice' and help re in laws...


Margarita - MIL and I were OK before, not THE best of 'friends' , but certainly not 'enemies'.
(Looking back she does have a bit of a 'mean side' ... when she has been drinking !!)



Don't think EMAIL will work with them....
I guess if they 'bully me' in writing it will be a little 'better' - does that make sense?
Plus, it may be of 'use' ..... and I could ........
'OOpppsss... I pressed copy and send to EVERYONE in my address book !!!



It amazes me that I do seem to be in the minority... regarding family and support

What disappoints me more than anything is that we have several 'nurses' in the family and a social worker , and they too are NOT beleiving the diagnosis'.
Family has lots of friends that are nurses ++


It's just weird.


My husband has an aunt with AZ , and MIL thinks she is making things up too!
She's about to move into a home full time.


She has been hallucinating for years.... people in house etc etc....
MIL told her it was OK !!

Knowing my in laws 'back ground' you would have thought it would have been THE place to be if you ever happened to be 'sick' .... as it happens
they really could not get any worse...



I've had my grizzle and moan.... thanks !!


DaisyG