I'm here again feeling bad about my husband being in care

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Bugsbunny4, Feb 1, 2016.

  1. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    Will this situation ever become any easier to cope with.
    Today my husband had a visit from a mutual friend of ours. She arrived about 20 mins before I did and had already told my husband about all her planned holidays to Italy etc. It's just a year since she lost her husband and I think it's great she is just getting on with her life.
    After she left my husband became quite low spirited. He actually said " how can someone who has lost her husband be happier I am. No one cares about me nobody wants me, I'm just a nobody. If I stay here I'll be as bad as all the rest of them here"
    He has said things like this before and it never fails to make me feel awful. Yet he doesn't blame me for anything. I really don't know how to deal with the kind of things he says.
    I just feel at a loss. I feel like I have let him down and he is incarcerated in a care home when he shouldn't be.
  2. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Dear bugsbunny 4, my hubby has now been in care for 5 months, to start with he thought he was in a 5 star hotel on holiday, now he thinks he is in a prison, cannot understand why l can get out and he can't, doesn't know where he is.
    Yesterday he was so upset kept crying, telling me l only want to be with you all the time, made me feel dreadful and very upset, felt like taking home, but then l thought about how difficult he was when he was at home, l could not look after him.
    I went a found a carer, she could see l was upset, and gave me a big hug, we both tried to console hubby, as he was sobbing, after a while he was ok, l left for home feeling so awful.
    Today he was ok. Please don't feel it is you fault for your hubby being in care, if you took him home he would only get worse, then we would have to go althrough it all again, I find everyday is different, some good some bad, please don't feel guilty, l know l am in a better place now. l have come to terms with the way it is. I do hope you soon feel the same.
    You are in my thoughts.
  3. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    I can only hope I will get to be in a better place. Thankyou for your reply. X
  4. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    As you know from my pm's, I feel exactly the same. He has been in care now for 19 months and I feel so bad that he is locked in a "prison" and I am free. Some days I just cant deal with it and I cry all the while.

    Today he went on and on about going home. He gets stressed and anxious if other residents come near him, and keeps talking in whispers so they cant hear him. He wont sit at a table with them at mealtimes. I have offered to buy his own table, as there is room, but nothing has been done yet. At the moment a lot are bed bound, so I can get him on a table by himself sometimes.

    I feel as stressed as I did when he was at home - except at home I was scared as well, but now I think he was aggressive because I didnt handle the situations correctly - also we had such bad treatment from the memory clinic, that he wasnt prescribed any medication ( except tranquilizers) until he was assessed after sectioning.

    Even now, when he is on memantine and respiridone, it still takes 3 of them to shower him with him kicking, swearing, biting and even spitting, and they insist on doing it at least every other day - they say he is incontinent but he always tells me when he wants to go, but they are giving him senna as routine, and I am sure the combination of an anti-psychotic drug dulling his senses and the senna causes No 2 accidents which mean he has to have so many showers.

    He forgets what he does to the staff while showering and afterwards laughs and chats with them whilst drying and putting on clothes - like he's immediately forgotten what he had done to them.

    I feel I have let him down so badly - my lovely man who gave me such a lovely life:(
  5. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    Your posts are so very sad. There cannot be words for how you are feeling. I have been through your situations myself and know the gut wrenching feelings you are experiencing.

    My husband died two years ago and it has taken all this time for me to accept that there was so little I could have changed, so little I could have done to make things better. The guilt monster is so very cruel!! Push it away as hard as you can. You are doing a marvelous job, god bless you.

    Give yourselves a huge pat on the back for sticking it through and continuing to support and love your partners through this very dark time. You did not cause this disease and you cannot change it. All you can do is to continue to support, continue to keep on smiling through the tears as best you can, and continue to make life as bearable for your loved one as you possibly can.

  6. Alicenutter

    Alicenutter Registered User

    Aug 29, 2015
    Massachusetts USA
    You HAVEN'T let him down! You have cared for him, and are caring for him, and will continue to care for him. If he's laughing and chatting with the staff, he's basically happy some of the time, and what more can any of us expect? And it's GOOD that you're not scared any more; good for you, and good for him...
  7. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    Thank you Aliceutter and TinaT. I know in my head you are right but its so hard to deal with. He doesnt join in activities unless I'm there, and I get so depressed about him wandering the corridors not having anything to do. I walked with him outside today round the gardens, but all he kept on about was where was the car and when were we going home. I have to keep reminding myself that its all he kept on about when he was at home. He looks so "normal" compared to most there, and at looks least 10 years younger than his 79 years.
  8. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    Hi Bugsbunny. :) It's great that your recently widowed friend can be so bright and cheerful, but just like there's no set path, as to how long it takes to get on with life, after bereavement, there's no easy answer for coping when your loved one is in a Care Home.

    John was told he was in a hotel, then he thought he was in an army unit, and when he was asked by a Social Worker, where he had last lived before, he said Aden. He was stationed there in 1956. :( I too went through the guilt of him being in a Care Home, and after he died, I still felt guilty - for a while.

    But nobody makes the Care Home decision lightly, or frivolously, but we make it because we just cannot cope any longer. And usually, the spouse is no spring chicken either, and is trying to cope with their own aches and pains, whilst wishing our other half could realise this - and all of us hating Alzheimer's with a vengeance.

    You're all doing your best to cope, and nobody can ever ask more than someone's best.
  9. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015

    Please, please don't feel bad. You did your very best. You have not let him down.

    Aisling (Ireland )
  10. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    #10 Bugsbunny4, Feb 2, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2016
    Your last sentence describes so exactly how I feel. It's heart rending because I know how it feels to be there and not be able to see a way out. I used to wonder what people meant when they said life is so unfair, because like you my husband gave me a lovely life and I feel so fortunate for that.
    I guess it's best to try and accept what each day brings with it.
    Take care. X
  11. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015

    Please, please try to stop tormenting yourself. You are doing your very best. Isn't it amazing how some people seem to have little common sense when visiting. Holidays indeed!! Could you advise her to change the conversation? Only a suggestion. In my opinion, people can be clueless. Aisling (Ireland)
  12. Ash148

    Ash148 Registered User

    Jan 1, 2014
    Dublin, Ireland
    Hear hear
  13. gwincy

    gwincy Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    I know how you feel my husband does nothing but walk around the corridors too, he has only been in for three weeks and I also spend a lot of my time crying at home. I hope it gets better, I am sure it will. We just have to try and start our lives over again difficult as it is.

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