Im having a strange day! Think the grieving has started

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Flake, May 21, 2017.

  1. Flake

    Flake Registered User

    Mar 9, 2015
    222
    Met some friends yesterday for a light meal and catch up. One friend has a Mother in a care home and complains about her and her ailments all the time. Her Mother wants to die and has suffered with mental illness over the years. She said that she hoped it would happen for her as her Mum is miserable. I said to be careful what you wish for as once they are gone they are gone. It got me thinking ..... I had a moment when I thought it would be better for my mum if she went to meet my Dad. I was being selfish as I was running around cleaning up after her accidents, doing everything from the shopping to houswork and personal care. I have sorted her bills, and checked up on care costs and the Carers (as mentioned in previous threads), been to the Hospital, held her down whilst they canulated and put up with the nasty comments. All the things we normally do without question.

    Now just for once I would like to see Mum again, not in her coffin as the last time but just to see her and check she is ok. I want to listen to the conversation that didnt make sense, do the shopping for things she wouldnt eat and most of all just be there.

    So now Im feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for my Mum, I missing her so much and Ive had a cry which I havent really done properly yet as Ive kept myself really busy. Really busy!

    So I just want to say - be careful what you wish for - even in a passing moment.

    Off for a shower now - clear up my run mascara and blotchiness and tell everyone Im fine !

    Love to you all xx
     
  2. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,380
    Kent
    I know how you feel...we even start to miss the dementia person as grumpy and challenging they were at times...because we long to have more moments with our loved ones. I still think illogically Dad is still at his care home, I immediately thought hello dad as I passed his care home a few days ago. However I do quickly remind myself that he did not have a quality of life as he would have wished, he was stripped of his dignity long ago thanks to his illness so although I have years and sadness I still feel he is not suffering any more and is at peace.
     
  3. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    2,478
    London
    Oh Flake, know exactly what you mean I to would give anything to have one more conversation with my OH even if it was nonsense I think the grieving hits in waves the silliest things set me off, so if you want to cry let yourself we are all very good at saying we are fine whilst inside our hearts are breaking. Hugs Nannylondon xx
     
  4. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    617
    Female
    Sending you a huge hug. Xx
     
  5. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,478
    Ireland
    Grieving is as individual as the person going through it, but it's always hard. Thinking of you, Flake.
     
  6. caqqufa

    caqqufa Registered User

    Jun 4, 2016
    142
    Does the grieving ever end?
     
  7. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    332
    Ontario canada
    That's a good question. Mom died December 14... I still have not grieved "whatever that even means". I have not cried ...which I think is weird...maybe it's because dad is still alive and well...as well as he can be after living with moms dementia for years ... and I spend my free time with him.

    For 3 years going to visit mom every day at the care home ...when she passed...he was a mess ...so I think when dad goes...I will grieve them both ...I don't know for sure...all I know is that life without mom knowing who I was and full of anxiety.... was horrific ...I only hope that she did not suffer knowing she didn't know me...that sounds kind of bizarre...but dementia is so so cruel....

    Thanks for letting me vent....
    Carole
     
  8. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,219
    Female
    Dundee
    No, I don't think it does. I think things will change and some things may get a bit easier but I doubt if grieving will ever stop for me. It may not be as sharp but my grief will always be with me.
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,102
    Kent
    It`s getting harder for me. The `novelty` has worn off and the reality has set in. This is for life.
     
  10. jorgieporgie

    jorgieporgie Registered User

    Mar 2, 2016
    1,985
    YORKSHIRE
    I also think it never goes, some days may be good and get easier but when it hits it hits hard.
    I think the relief after someone passes from dementia is inevitable, but like GranyG posted reality dose set in eventually and grieving as to take its position in some way or form. But we will all get through this, hugs sent to everyone still grieving xx
     
  11. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,478
    Ireland
    I think the day to day coping with the loss gets easier. But the grieving does stay with us, even at happy times. In fact, maybe particularly at happy times, there is that sort of invisible cloak around us.
     
  12. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    I feel as both Izzy and Grannie G do. Also others who have written here.

    Grief is not easy to define, it is individual. But one common factor seems to be that it will not end, after any given time. Changes yes, some things easier - and some not. But grief is now part of life, just as the love was and still is. Grief is not easy, it will take its own individual course.

    Loo x
     
  13. caqqufa

    caqqufa Registered User

    Jun 4, 2016
    142
    Same here xx xx
     

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