I'm having a bad day

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Mal2, May 16, 2015.

  1. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield
    I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm usually so positive. I got up at 7 this morning and found myself feeling low, I have done nothing but cry since.

    I washed and dressed myself. I then sorted my o/h, stood him up, with the aid of the hoist, washed him, changed his diaper pads, shaved and dressed him, gave him his breakfast. Nothing anymore unusual than yesterday, or, any other day previous, come to that. The tears still flowing.

    I also wished Stan, my lovely husband "A Happy Anniversary". He smiled at me, not knowing what it was all about. Tried to give him a kiss, but, he opened his mouth, trying to eat me. More tears.

    51years ago today, at 3.30pm, which is in about now, we were at the Church Altar, taking our vows, then on to the reception and dancing through the night, until 4am. What a wonderful day!!!How can it have gone by so quickly? A year later, a lovely baby girl, followed 18 months later with a little sister for her.

    The eldest now lives in Florida, with her husband and my only grandchildren. 11 year old triplets, 1 boy and 2 girls, whom I haven't seen since 2011.

    Yesterday, my daughter sent me a video of my grandson, singing in the lead roll in 'Oliver', at school. "Consider yourself one of us" he sang. It was lovely, but, I shed a few tears. My other daughter lives locally and calls in most days. Unfortunately, no grandchildren.

    The postman came lunch time, with one solitary card,(from my brother and his wife). "That's all for today" he said. "Oh! ok" said I. Knowing my second daughter will bring her one tonight. From Florida, probably in the post. Why are the tears still coming? I'm grown woman, for God's sake. My face looking like a poached salmon.

    People keep saying how much they admire me for taking care of Stan on my own, but, I don't want admiration.

    I want Stan, as he used to be. I miss his strength, his passion for life, his love, his devotion to me, his conversation, most of all his strong arms around me, making me feel safe and secure. I want my daughter and my grandchildren, to be here in England where I can love them, hold them and be part of their lives, but, that isn't going to happen either, is it? I have always been a 'Pandora', ever hopeful, but, today I feel, there isn't any hope, and I think, " This is no life, what's the point of living this misery?

    Forgive me for venting my feelings on everyone today, I don't know why I am really.
    At least, whilst writing, this the tears have stopped for a few minutes.

    I am going to tidy myself up before my daughter comes this evening, Don't want to let her see me like this. Tomorrow's another day. Perhaps it will be better.
     
  2. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    Bless you love. No wonder you feel sad. Your love is still there in your happy memories. Some never have that live. Small comfort but i hope it helps. Sending you love and strength.
    .
     
  3. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    What a sad post-but also joy that you have those happy memories.I'm very sorry that you are feeling down -it's perfectly understandable as today is your anniversary. It's also good that you did post how you feel. You are a person with sadness in your life and I know you want your Husband to be as he was when he was well-and that's perfectly understandable-but, unfortunately, it's not to be. I hope you have a good time with your daughter when she comes round; perhaps get the wedding photo's out and do a bit more of revisiting happier times.No answers I'm afraid-just sympathy and a hug,

    Lyn T XX
     
  4. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    what can I say but hugs, I think I have this to come yet, and feel so...I don't know what, but from what I read here I am not alone and have plenty people who will help.

    Happy anniversary
     
  5. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,589
    So sorry to read how sad you are.
    It doesn't help for me to say that it's perfectly natural, you know this already.

    It's a heavy burden to carry, the 'wanting and wishing' burden, as is the 'what if?' and 'if only..'.

    Doesn't stop your heart from aching.

    Much empathy and sympathy and I hope tomorrow you are able to shake off the blues and feel some peace.

    Dementia has robbed both you and Stan of the golden years. x
     
  6. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,346
    I'm sorry you are feeling so sad today. I just wish there's something I could say to change things for you, if only.

    Some days just hit us harder than others, especially when it should have been a special day for you and Stan.

    I hope you have a special evening with your daughter and tomorrow is a new day, hopefully a better day for you.
     
  7. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    I'm so sorry Mal2, big hugs and heartfelt sympathy for everything you're going through. I wish I could offer you a solution or wave that magic wand you need but I can't. I can suggest some things that might help a tiny bit - if there's nothing new here I'm sorry - Do you have lots of support in place to take the pressure off you as sole carer? Clubs, day centres, and so on? Connecting with other carers/carees can really help - as on TP they are often the people who understand best what you are going through. Do you have friends who are understanding enough to spend time with you and your husband in a positive way?

    You're obviously good on computers so could you Skype your grandchildren a couple of times a week? I know it's not the same as seeing them in the flesh but it would give you frequent and direct interaction with them - the transatlantic equivalent of popping round to Nana's :)

    As I said forgive me if there's nothing new here, hope you are enjoying your daughter's visit and I wish you and Stan congratulations on your 51 years of marriage.
     
  8. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    Oh how sad you are feeling, I can only offer a huge hugggg and hope you feel brighter tomorrow, happy anniversary all the same xxx
     
  9. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    526
    British Isles
    Hope those tears for what you and Stan have lost have been a "release valve" and that you are having a calmer day today. Belated happy anniversary.
     

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  10. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield
    Thank you that picture really lifted my spirits, just what I needed.
     
  11. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield
    Thank you a hug is just what I needed.
     
  12. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    160
    Big massive hug to you xxx
     
  13. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield
    Thank you for your thoughts and for your wishes, very much appreciated at this time . Unfortunately, most of our friends when retiring moved the length and breadth the UK and the others more recently passing away, so we have no friends that live near us anymore. My daughter and the children in Florida are very busy, we Skype Christmas day, but, that is all. She did phone me last night to wish us a happy anniversary, I said it was a bit late, but, she said she had been busy, so I will probably get some flowers in a few days and a card next week depending on the post.

    My other daughter and son-in-law, came to see me on Saturday evening. She brought a cake and cards, one for Stan to give me ( as always), she didn't know what to give us, so gave us some money to treat ourselves. Last night she came in with a large bunch of flowers, she hadn't got any the night before as she thought I would already have had some. They are taking us out to dinner one evening this week, so I will look forward to that.

    I must update you on this mornings little conversation with Stan, one of very few, which made me feel really great. The conversation went like this: Stan: Are we going out today. A. No not today it's raining. S. Oh OK, we had better stay indoors then where it is dry. A. Yes alright then. S. Excuse me for asking, but, what is your name? A. Marian. S. Marian, that's your name? A. Yes. Marian and I am your wife. S. You are my wife. A. Yes, and I love you. S. And I love you too. end of conversation, and he puckers his lips for few kisses. Followed by a well remembered smile and a sparkling glint in his eyes, as he popped his hand, down my blouse for a sneaky pat. A cherished moment. HOW WONDERFUL WAS HE? !!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Enfield is a paying council, so anything like day centres etc. you pay for. 2 years ago I asked the doctor if I could have someone come in on Monday to help Stan to have a shower, she asked if I would like him to go to day centre 2 days a week, he was a lot better then. I thought that may be nice for him and said yes. We had an assessment on our income, with the deduction of council tax, the only allowance they give. For shower time, 45 minutes was £12.95, 2 days day centre £92.00 so £104.95 a week. To me that is a weeks shopping, so we didn't have it, but, hey! ho! what they don't give me I don't have to thank them for.

    Thank you once again for the kind wishes, it really helped and I am back to being positive again now.
     
  14. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield
    thank you so much, i really needed massive hugs on saturday.
    The thought that people i do not know were concerned about me had a huge effect. Today as you can see by my note to essie. I am back on form. Thank you
     
  15. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield
    Thank you for your concern. Saturday was odd for me, I had never experienced the wave of sadness and solitude as I did then. As you say it was a special day, also Stan wasn't as bright as he sometimes is.

    Yes I had a lovely time with my daughter and son-in-law, and we are going out to dinner during the week, so that will be nice. Now I'm back to fight another day.
     
  16. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield

    Your comments did help. It was so uplifting that people I do not know, were concerned about my problem, and, that helped enormously. People you know get all embarrassed and tip toe around the subject. Some people who used to visit us, do not now. Never mind, their problem not mine.

    As you will see from my comments to Essie. I feel we still have some golden years left.
    Somewhere deep inside Stan, he has feelings for me, and, tries to show it, even if he is a bit cheeky, but, that was Stan. We could be walking in the High Street, and if, he felt he wanted to kiss me, that's what he would do. I would be all embarrassed and he would say, ""I wanted to kiss you, don't worry about any of them.

    I am fine now. Thank you:)
     
  17. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield
    Yes people are so supportive, and I now feel fine. It may take years before you have this. I feel I have been very lucky. Stan was diagnosed in 2004, the year our grandchildren were born. However, I feel he had it long before that, maybe a couple of years. He would come home telling me he had made an error at work, forgetting some little thing. Things I would say to him, the following day he would say I hadn't told him.

    Stan is on Aricept and in the last 2 years added Memetine. They must have worked, as it is only the last year or so that conversation is difficult, and we get the vacant look if he doesn't understand what we are saying, but, he still feeds himself, we are off to a meal out during the week, he will enjoy that, loves his food.. I would say it took 13-14 years to get to today. So hopefully, they will come up with a new treatment before your o/h gets to that stage. Told you I was a 'Pandora', it's that word again HOPE. We never know.

    Thank you for the hugs and wishes, really helped.:)
     
  18. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    So pleased to hear you are brighter today Marion, TP is a great place to come for all sorts of help and advice - even if it is just to vent when being strong, and coping and staying positive are just all too much!

    Do remember that lots of facilities aren't means tested or even charged, your local memory cafe is a good place to go for a chat, cup of tea etc.

    And yes, wonderful that Stan is still, after 51 years, so keen that he's copping a cheeky feel! :D Best wishes to you both.
     
  19. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield
    #19 Mal2, May 18, 2015
    Last edited: May 18, 2015
    Thank you for your hugs and well wishes, it meant a great deal to me. All these people I do not know, and concerned about me, was really touching.

    Today I am back to my old self, full of hope as usual, it was just the day, it seems, something I had not experienced before, but, everyone's comments and concerns really helped.

    I had a lovely evening with my daughter & son-in-law, and we are all going out for a meal during the week. Stan will enjoy that he loves his food. We take him in the wheelchair, as the legs do not work properly these days. However, the hands do, especially when feeding himself.
     
  20. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield
    Today, I am very happy, full of hope, a little ray of sunshine. I had a lovely evening on Saturday with my daughter and son-in-law. We are going out for dinner one evening during the week. Stan will like that, he really loves his food, we are still able to take him to a restaurant, he still eats tidily. So I am grateful for the all the years I have had with Stan, even the ones now, and, that he is still with me. Today he told me he loved me, and it was as if I had won a million pounds.

    Thank you for your love and strength, really helped.
     

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