I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm usually so positive. I got up at 7 this morning and found myself feeling low, I have done nothing but cry since. I washed and dressed myself. I then sorted my o/h, stood him up, with the aid of the hoist, washed him, changed his diaper pads, shaved and dressed him, gave him his breakfast. Nothing anymore unusual than yesterday, or, any other day previous, come to that. The tears still flowing. I also wished Stan, my lovely husband "A Happy Anniversary". He smiled at me, not knowing what it was all about. Tried to give him a kiss, but, he opened his mouth, trying to eat me. More tears. 51years ago today, at 3.30pm, which is in about now, we were at the Church Altar, taking our vows, then on to the reception and dancing through the night, until 4am. What a wonderful day!!!How can it have gone by so quickly? A year later, a lovely baby girl, followed 18 months later with a little sister for her. The eldest now lives in Florida, with her husband and my only grandchildren. 11 year old triplets, 1 boy and 2 girls, whom I haven't seen since 2011. Yesterday, my daughter sent me a video of my grandson, singing in the lead roll in 'Oliver', at school. "Consider yourself one of us" he sang. It was lovely, but, I shed a few tears. My other daughter lives locally and calls in most days. Unfortunately, no grandchildren. The postman came lunch time, with one solitary card,(from my brother and his wife). "That's all for today" he said. "Oh! ok" said I. Knowing my second daughter will bring her one tonight. From Florida, probably in the post. Why are the tears still coming? I'm grown woman, for God's sake. My face looking like a poached salmon. People keep saying how much they admire me for taking care of Stan on my own, but, I don't want admiration. I want Stan, as he used to be. I miss his strength, his passion for life, his love, his devotion to me, his conversation, most of all his strong arms around me, making me feel safe and secure. I want my daughter and my grandchildren, to be here in England where I can love them, hold them and be part of their lives, but, that isn't going to happen either, is it? I have always been a 'Pandora', ever hopeful, but, today I feel, there isn't any hope, and I think, " This is no life, what's the point of living this misery? Forgive me for venting my feelings on everyone today, I don't know why I am really. At least, whilst writing, this the tears have stopped for a few minutes. I am going to tidy myself up before my daughter comes this evening, Don't want to let her see me like this. Tomorrow's another day. Perhaps it will be better.