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I'm gutted

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,404
South coast
Oh, Ive already said that I give my consent. OH and I had that talk last year and Ive seen what CPR can do, so there was no doubt what my answer would be.
I just hadnt realised that we had got to that stage
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Sending strength to you @canary . What a time you're having!!

I agree with @pevensey. Now is the time to put your foot down and make sure you get all the help you need.

Maybe even a bit of strategic foot-stamping if necessary...

I hope you get some good news about the car. I've beaten both you and @DesperateofDevon - my car is 18 years old (my dad bought it for me 15 years ago when I was just divorced and very broke)
I believe things should be mended & repaired not replaced!
Dads are always there for us, I miss mine so much & hate the way his needs aren’t being met by the home!
Have started new thread - so is this it

really can’t believe what is happening at the care home. I am so upset, yet I can’t be there 24/7 to ensure his care!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
My OH is 63, up until last week there would have been no doubt that he had capacity, so I would never had been asked about making decisions for him and it would not have been deemed appropriate for someone at his stage.
Also, dont forget that he does not have a diagnosis of dementia - only MCI............. (although Im sure its some form of dementia)

This is a VERY big change
I really sympathise ; it takes the wind out of your sail so to speak. Dads TEP form kicked in on Saturday- so he wasn’t taken into hospital because it wasn’t in his best interests.
I can’t imagine how distressing it is when it’s your husband, I was upset when Dad had his done 3 years ago. I have accepted it over time but it is a big shock.
Take care lovely this situation happened with my Mum this year, it was still a surprise.

I’m sending you big hugs
((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

& lots of love
Xxxxx
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
I agree you need to make sure that they don't send him home too quickly. He needs to have a reasonable level of mobility or you just won't manage on your own.

We had dad home when he could hardly stand and we needed 2 of us just to get him to the bathroom. Dad had to come out because he was falling over in hospital, not really their fault but if he had stayed another week he would not have come out but dad is a different case altogether. He is quite mobile now but still wobbly after 7 months with no memory of it at all. It was blooming hard work and I could not have done it alone.

Hope they get your car sorted out. I find it somehow comforting that a whole bunch of us seem to be happy to drive around in what a lot of people would call old bangers. Mine is French and is looking forward to her 33rd birthday soon so is probably the oldest.
actually I think it says a lot about us as people. Or is that just the psychologist in me ......... nope we are nice peeps who respect animate & inanimate objects.
Yay! knew I’d find like minded souls somewhere!!!
Xx
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,034
actually I think it says a lot about us as people. Or is that just the psychologist in me ......... nope we are nice peeps who respect animate & inanimate objects.
Yay! knew I’d find like minded souls somewhere!!!
Xx
Ha ha yes, I have become very unmaterialistic over the years. There is nothing that I want, other than to travel a bit and that does not mean in style at all. I would be happy to just go but I do love that old car even though I know the average person wouldn't be seen dead in it but we are not the average person are we.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,427
Oh, Ive already said that I give my consent. OH and I had that talk last year and Ive seen what CPR can do, so there was no doubt what my answer would be.
I just hadnt realised that we had got to that stage
I'm so sorry and hope I haven't put my foot in anything. Me being the newbie shows I don't have the history that so may of you have and the comfort you all find in such long established friendships really comes through, especially at a time like this.
My AZ mum had an overnight spell in hospital for a chest infection in September, and it was as a real shock to discover her quality of life was being judged by the A&E doctor. I know that at some time, we will have to think about mum's future (I can't even admit to writing those three little letters that hold so much torment).
 

silver'lantern

Registered User
Apr 23, 2019
166
I can understand someone's shock if this hadn't considered it, Its a big decision to have you make on your own. But i am wondering if it's just a tick on the list they have to ask? not necessarily meaning it is iminent? I don't now....
My pwd is 65 now (6 years we have known) He has mixed dementia. We talked about DNR as soon as we got the results. In the first few week/months when we sorted things through. He has chosen this while he was able so as not to put the pressure on others to have to make the decision. My problem now, seeing this conversation tonight reminded me, that we didn't actually make a record or talk to GP about this. It is something we talked through with his brilliant memory team as something we might want to consider. I realise not everyone would want to start this conversation. But the memory team at the time made the discussion relatively easy. (We have since left the area). We have an LPA in place and i know his wishes but I will bring it up at his next gp appointment just to make sure his wishes are met.
 

pevensey

Registered User
Feb 14, 2012
251
South East Coast.
The doctor has just phoned me. I was able to give a clear potted history of what has been going and when asked if I would be happy to have him home once the physios were happy I gave a cagey yes, but was pretty assertive that I would need a care package. She said they would organise it.

She also asked if I was happy to OK a DNR, which came as a shock. Im very happy to this, but before he went in no-one would have even considered it to be appropriate - he could often fool doctors into thinking that there was nothing wrong with him. Im pretty devastated



Crumbs! Is that considered vintage?
At least that's one good outcome of it all if you get a good care package in place Canary hopefully it will make life a wee bit easier, although that's a silly thing to say as life will never be easy when living with a PWD. That must have been a big shock for you when they said about the DNR that seems such an insensitive thing to say over the phone, surely it's the sort of conversation you have face to face with a Dr, it must have been so upsetting for you. , I cant imagine how you must have felt. Make sure you try and enjoy your YOU TIME @canary, lots of sleep, good food, and wine, just what the Dr orderd.
 
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Starbright

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
529
Have just caught up with your thread @canary...so sorry to hear about your Oh and hoping there’s some improvement soon...don’t forget to take care of you in all of this:)
Virtual (((((((((Hugs))))))) A x
 

charlie10

Registered User
Dec 20, 2018
397
so sorry it all seems to be happening at once Canary, it must be extra frustrating not having transport when you need it. Hoping that your husband will improve and you can both take a breather x
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Ha ha yes, I have become very unmaterialistic over the years. There is nothing that I want, other than to travel a bit and that does not mean in style at all. I would be happy to just go but I do love that old car even though I know the average person wouldn't be seen dead in it but we are not the average person are we.
“Definately not your average bear boo boo” to quote Yogi bear!
One of my Dads favourite silly sayings that always made me laugh.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
I can understand someone's shock if this hadn't considered it, Its a big decision to have you make on your own. But i am wondering if it's just a tick on the list they have to ask? not necessarily meaning it is iminent? I don't now....
My pwd is 65 now (6 years we have known) He has mixed dementia. We talked about DNR as soon as we got the results. In the first few week/months when we sorted things through. He has chosen this while he was able so as not to put the pressure on others to have to make the decision. My problem now, seeing this conversation tonight reminded me, that we didn't actually make a record or talk to GP about this. It is something we talked through with his brilliant memory team as something we might want to consider. I realise not everyone would want to start this conversation. But the memory team at the time made the discussion relatively easy. (We have since left the area). We have an LPA in place and i know his wishes but I will bring it up at his next gp appointment just to make sure his wishes are met.
TEP forms have to be filled out in hospital when the Clinical assessment outcome is poor. Yes I suppose it is a tick box thing, but also a sign of another stage of dementia & life’s journey. it can be a shock but next of kin should be notified of this decision- imagine your reaction if something happened & intervention wasn’t forth coming that would be more distressing having to process it all at once!

my Mum was cognitively able & was assessed as such when the TEP form was completed / so the PWD has input into this decision & is cognitively assessed as able to make this decision. otherwise it would be down to the LPA / next of kin etc.

Had a lot of experience with TEP forms recently- these will have the DNR directive on them.

hope that explains the whole process a bit better.....
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,710
80
East of England
She also asked if I was happy to OK a DNR, which came as a shock. Im very happy to this, but before he went in no-one would have even considered it to be appropriate -
I was advised by our doctor to have a DNR form signed and left in a prominent place, I put it by the telephone, and my husband is not at a terminal stage. I had one signed for me too! It’s only for when you have had a cardiac arrest and need aggressive treatment. My son was confused by this, thinking it was for any collapse but it’s only if you are unconscious. It is in fact a reasonably rare event and unlikely to happen but if it does you have to ask yourself if you would want to be aggressively revived. If one does have a cardiac arrest and survive, the outcome can be even grimmer than the time before. Younger people are more likely to want this outcome. I know the chances of having one are low but I wouldn’t want to be brought back from such a serious situation. It’s quite different to a do not treat situation when palliative care only is given. Take heart @canary I think it’s only sensible. Just bad timing with all your stresses x
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,690
Hope today is a much better day @canary. I hope the mechanic comes back about the car and it is fixable at a reasonable price and that the antibiotics help your husband improve.
Will you be able to get in yourself today to put your mind at rest?
Thinking of you {{{{canary}}}}}
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,857
Chester
Morning @canary - I hope today brings good news on your car and that you can get to the hospital to visit.

I'm another whose just sold a car which was fairly old, we'd had it from new in March 06 - we had spent £250 on it twice this year so £500 we sold it for £450 - just felt not economic to keep. I do long journeys with my son on a regular basis (round trips of 400 miles in a day) so was scared to keep driving it for that sort of distance.

Edited to change mar 16 to mar 06 - 13.5 years old
 
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canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,404
South coast
The car has, as I thought, got a problem with the back brakes. The garage said something about a spring disintegrating and locking the brake. It means very little to me, but it is, apparently, a fairly simple job. They are having to replace the whole brake unit, but it should be done today. OHs (invisible) brother has stepped up to the mark and said that he will give me a lift to the garage to pick my car up and will give me a lift to the hospital if its not ready by lunchtime.
I'm so sorry and hope I haven't put my foot in anything.
Of course you havent - I just thought I hadnt expressed the reason why I was upset very well
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
The car has, as I thought, got a problem with the back brakes. The garage said something about a spring disintegrating and locking the brake. It means very little to me, but it is, apparently, a fairly simple job. They are having to replace the whole brake unit, but it should be done today. OHs (invisible) brother has stepped up to the mark and said that he will give me a lift to the garage to pick my car up and will give me a lift to the hospital if its not ready by lunchtime.
Of course you havent - I just thought I hadnt expressed the reason why I was upset very well
glad the invisible man has stepped up in his mackintosh, ( I’m a marvel comic fan!!)

This year I’ve spent over 1.6k on Betty - better the beetle you know me thinks!
 

pevensey

Registered User
Feb 14, 2012
251
South East Coast.
glad the invisible man has stepped up in his mackintosh, ( I’m a marvel comic fan!!)

This year I’ve spent over 1.6k on Betty - better the beetle you know me thinks!
Goodmorning @canary I hope OH is feeling better today and is recovering from his infection, and really hope your getting good nights sleep and recovering yourself too. Hugs and thoughts for you.