I'm floundering ..........

Hilary K

Registered User
Jan 15, 2008
Hi - This is my first time on Talking Point so please excuse me if I don't know what I'm doing!

After spending 16 weeks in hospital, my Mum has just moved into the new dementia wing of a nursing home. She is suffering from vascular dementia and is extremely unhappy and distressed. She hates being in a "home" and can't understand why she needs to be cared for 24 hrs a day.

Her recognition function is extremely bad so she can't read, watch tv, do a puzzle, do her embroidery. The staff are trying to find something to entertain her but her concentration is extremely bad.

She loves seeing her family but can't remember visits afterwards and can't look forward to ones we've planned.

She was only diagnosed last November and I'm finding it so hard to accept that I can't make her life okay!

Last night she was barricading herself into her room "so her family couldn't get in".

How can I accept that my Mum, who has spent her life looking after my Dad, my brother and me, is so distressed all the time? I want to repay her some how but everyone is advising me to try to accept there's nothing more I can do.

This is really, really terrible.


Registered User
Apr 11, 2008
Hello Hilary

I am so sorry you feel so low at the moment, have you tried music
to calm your mum,whatever her favourite type of music,it soothes.

Just think what would she be saying to you if she was still able.

I am sure it would be .Live your Life.
take care

Hilary K

Registered User
Jan 15, 2008
Thank you

Hi Jan

Thank you for your kind words and your suggestion. It's one we haven't tried. I'll speak to my Dad tonight.

You're right. The other week she had a snap shot of lucidity and tried to tell me not to "lose" myself. I knew what she meant. Bizzarely it is because I KNOW exactly what she would say if she was well that makes me want to help her in any way I can, except I can't. It isn't within my power!

It's just so cruel but I feel a bit better now.

Thanks again,



Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
Hi Hilary

It is hard isn't it. You really hate to see your Mum distressed.

I would also say that enjoy your visits where you can. You do find at the start that they are traumatic but keep going. Things do generally settle although it can take months.

My Mum improved greatly when I started taking her out once she was fitter (she was admitted to the NH from the hospital after emergency surgery). She seemed to realise then that she could still do things.

You will eventually find a balance with your own life and that of your Mum's. It takes quite a bit of time. But it will come. Take time for yourself, to gather your thoughts and enjoy a bit of "me" time. Find a friend you can talk to, who is understanding. For talking, I found, really helped me.



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