I'm feeling really bad!!

[maggier]

I have to talk to someone. Y

Sorry for moaning, you don't even have to read this if you don't want, I just feel better for getting it off my chest and feel that I am venting it somewhere. I apologise for my outburst in advance!!

Yesterday I went round to mum's in the morning (my brother was already there he had made her breakfast for her, as we have to make all her meals as we have "disconnected" the cooker (we switch it off at the fuse box so she cannot turn it on as she leaves it on with things in the oven or on the hob.)

Anyway I asked her to come round for her tea later in the afternoon and she set off on one of her rants about why did I put her there !! (she hates where she lives and blames me for moving her there) , " Why have you stolen everything from me and given it to your son" , "how could you treat me this way", she said I do not take after her or my dad but I am like my auntie (who mum really did not like at all). Anyway, usually after all this ranting directed at me, I try very hard to say nothing and take it with a pinch of salt and try and remember my mantra "this is not mum it's her illness, this is not mum it's her illness" but yesterday I absolutely blew a fuse and shouted at her told her I was not bothered if she ate or starved, I could not be bothered to come and sort her out every day, I was not going to keep having all these things thrown at me, I was sick of it all, and stormed out of her house leaving her and my brother sat there (my brother never said a word other than "don't slam the door". Please note that ion mum's eyes my brother does not do anything wrong and all I ever hear mum say is "your brother has been good, he did this and he did that etc"!! which doesn't help!

I cried all the way home and people were looking at me like I was some mad woman crying and walking down the street.

When I got in the first thing I did was ring mum's and spoke to my brother and said "you know I will make her tea don't you"

I feel like I am losing the plot. I have recently had some blood tests and surprise surprise, find I am menopausal (like I've not got enought to cope with!!!).

Anyway, just had to have a rant and get it off my chest and need someone here to tell me they have done the same at some time.

I feel really bad and feel that I have not only let mum down I have let myself down. (I did take her a lovely tea round as she refused to come to my house to eat, anyway she ate two forkfuls of it and gave the rest to the dog!!)

Hellllpppppp!! I am now going to have a look on the internet for natural remedies for menopause as I don't really want to go on HRT just yet.


Sorry for moaning

Maggie x

 

[jakky]

Maggie

not too sure about ya other stuff going on, (being a bloke and all that),
but I too shouted at my mum once, once only mind, because she wasn`t being my mum. I didn`t have the opportunity to run home to my wife, but I was so wound up with all the goings on, stressy bits and stuff, angry, confused, grief, hurt and
mum decided that she would have a "stubborn time" and maybe I was very tired, as we all know how that attracts pleasantness, not!!, and out of frustration I shouted "I`m trying to bl***y well help you", (guilty as charged!!!). After that outburst, dad came in the room at which point we realised we needed some help from other parties. (respite, etc).

it was nothing major, and am sure mum wouldn`t remember it, but at the time I had a massive GUILT trip. Why? Why? Why?

all I want to say is:

"keep doing your best, you can`t do anymore than that"

stay calm, strong and take care....

jakky

 

[Zadok]

shouting

I remember it well! I've shouted too...sometimes you just can't help yourself.
Sometimes it actually made mum stop and calm down a bit!

 

[gerrie ley]

upset

Hi Maggie my wife has three years alzheimers Iam the sole cater we do have family but Iam left to get on with it.There attitude is what do you think she did yesterday Being the sole carer puts me under a lot of pressure and I have to admit to being very off hand sometimes usually towards the end of the day.Then in about half hour I feel guilty cuddle my wife who at this time has forgotton my being awkward with her.This is what I suggest you do show her your love give her a cuddle it may make you both weep a little If she has forgotton your outburst it will still make her rosy inside.The other thing that is could you not get your brother to praise you to his and your mother and for him to tell your mother how much you love her tell her how much you are doing for her.He might also hint that you have your own problems and could do with her support GOOD LUCK its hard I only know too well

 

[maggier]

Thanks all for your replies

I knew you would all say what you have said, (that is why I posted, I just need to hear it sometimes)

I went back to mum's later on and she was absolutely fine, don't even think she remembered what I had said.

It's just that we all try so hard and just sometimes it feels so thankless but we just need to try and remember what our loved ones would have said if this had been happening to someone else, and they would have been so supportive I am sure. If mum knew what she was like sometimes, I think she would not want to be here at all and that in itself makes me very sad.

We are all OK now and I just needed to have my little outburst. It's done (for now!)

Thanks and much love and big big hugs to all

Maggie x

 

[Lynne]

Hi Maggie

Ditto what everyone else said, plus (on today's news) "shouting is good for you!" so it's official, you're allowed to!

Slightly less flippantly, it IS tough if Mum favours one child over another, especially when the favourite isn't you! I have a brother (who lives in Australia) and the sun shines out of his bottom so far as Mum is concerned. Oh, she loves me too, but he's the special one. Since I'm the only one physically on the spot, it can sometimes be very grating to hear how marvellous he is, when I've just rearranged my own plans yet again to deal with something which has arisen at Mum's. (Don't get me wrong, I love my bro' to bits, just feel a bit 'poor me' at times.)

 

[Amy]

I think it is a case of mothers and their sons!
Amy

 

[janjan]

Maggier

Just to say i've the same problem with the menopause. Try the health shops, ask them about it. They gave me some tablets about 6 months ago, and i have noticed the diffrence. I refuse to go on hrt. Janet

 

[Norman]

I will admit to shouting at Peg.
She shouts back and then she forgets it.
Norman

 

[calamityjane]

Maggie it is undestandable i think the hardest part to take is the mistrust last week my mother thought i was giving her to many tablets and that was why she was so confused as if i would overdose her into this living nightmare for both of us ,she is newly diagnosed but i realise now things were going down hill for at least 4 years ,she had an episode 3 years ago in which she fell out of bed after which the Doctor thought she had sufferd a stroke because of her slurred speech she did have a stomach bug but she was unable to even sit up in the bed unaided couldnt walk etc for 4 days me and my handicapped brother cared for her at home as i knew if she went into hospital she would get even more disorinated then on the 4TH day late in the evening she was being awkward and would not go to sleep at which point my brother shouted at herto go to sleep we needed to go to bed as we were worn out she then shouted back with fire in her blood and got out of bed like a miracle she was cured when i told the Doctor in the morning he had no explanation he was as dumfounded as us i think this could have been the dementia .The everyday careing is tough enough but when your loved one turns around and accuses you of giving there possesstions away in your case ,overdoseing them in mine and you know they believe this at the time it is heartbreaking dont be hard on yourself and i am at the same stage of life as you the dreaded menopause and cryed most of last week about our predicament like you i wanted to post on here and vent my feelings but to be honest i was just to tired to even type but reading the stories although i dont wish this on any of you does help at least you know you are not alone and other people are having the same experiances all we can do is support each other and keep trucking along

 

[Lynne]

I will admit to shouting at Peg. She shouts back and then she forgets it.
Norman

Since you know she forgets it, kick the guilt-monster into touch & you forget it too!
It probably does you both a bit of good to have a minor explosion occasionally.

Love

 

[Bets]

Hi Norman,

We've all been there. In fact, I would find it hard to believe any carer of someone with dementia who said they had never shouted at their loved one. But I wholeheartedly second Lynne's comments. It does you good to let off steam now and then and your partner forgets very quickly.

Just a thought but who says that, with the onset of dementia, married couples will no longer upset or annoy each other?!!

Bets

 

[LindaD]

Same here

My mother drives me mental - if everything was going for me so that I had the room and the wherewithall to care for her myself I wouldn't be able to do it. I wouldn't have the patience. She is in a care home.

Sometimes I dread going to see her knowing that we will have the same circular conversations, questions and complaints and that she won't hear or remember the answers and I have blown my top at her on numerous occasions. But I know she won't remember by the next time that I see her.

You need to let off steam sometimes, don't feel guilty.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Shouting

I have certainly shouted at my mother, mostly when she's being stroppy about bathing or changing dirty clothes. When she was going through a nasty phase, I have yelled stupid things like "I hate your Alzheimer's". She would yell back & one of us would then walk away.

On a funnier note, I was once patiently (and I was patient) trying to get her to change her clothes. She was perfectly agreeable until I tried to help her get her nighty off. Instantly she started yelling & shouting & ran out of her room saying she was going to get the doctor (digression - interestingly enough, she doesn't normally know where she lives - care home - but seems aware that there are doctors & nurses around). My husband was standing outside her room when she blasted out. She said to him "That woman (me) is abusing me". He reported this to me when I came out after counting to 100. I told him she was wrong - I hadn't abused her, I just wanted to!

The good thing is that your mother will not remember. I know we do, and we feel guilty. But try not to - we're all human. As for those who say they never shout they are either a) saints b) liars or c) on some great drugs (and pass some over this way please!).

Hang in there.

Joanne

 

[Nutty Nan]

Joanne, your post really made me smile, as I can vividly imagine the scene. Sometimes, the slightest thing can turn into a real drama.

Then, a different thought struck: suppose, your mother had accused a member of staff of 'abusing her'?! How many of us would be level-headed enough to question such a statement if it were made by a loved one? I am not sure whether I could stop myself from over-reacting ...... worrying!