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Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Amy, Jul 10, 2007.
Forgive me, but what will come of anger?
Helen, you've every right to be angry. It's an unbearable situation, and being angry is a better response than collapsing in a heap.
I've no answers, there aren't any. But I do know how you feel, I went through a similar situation with my mum.
Shout, rant, scream at us. That's what we're here for. Just focus that anger on staying strong. It will end, and you still won't know whether to be glad or sorry.
Love and hugs
I understand exactly how you feel.
I'm not going to say don't be angry, or anger does no good, or anything anyone who has not felt true anger may advise.
All I would say is - harness it in some way that makes sense to you. Like anything powerful, anger can result in bad things, or good things.
In dementiaworld we often have nothing to blame - the doctors have little clue about the condition and certainly can't arrest it for long, the person with dementia is in their own hell and we can't justifiably blame them, I won't talk about a god as I leave that belief to others, ..... so we can't easily vent our anger, and can so easily have it turn in on us.
Turn the anger into something that enables you to let off steam, to forget for a while.
. Oh I know I'm weird, but if nothing else worked [even if everything else worked, maybe], I'd be throwing myself into something that could help him feel he knew her a bit more.
Perhaps your recollections, linked to any pictures you might have, anecdotes, places you may have lived with her, etc. Computers, like anger, can be used for good or bad. If you use your computer to bring your mum's past into focus for your son, I'd say it might be rather positive. Even more so if you were able to do it together.
Shoot me down in flames if I'm way off course and yes - I do know you haven't all the time in the world to do it...
Most importantly of all, please take care.
Accepting is not thinking nice thoughts. Accepting just is.
Accepting is not making the best of a bad situation. Accepting just is.
Dying just is.
If you are having a tantrum, don`t waste it with regret.
This is just my way of trying to cope.
Its ok to be angry............its part of the process of grieving. I don't think your angry because you don't know whats going to happen now - because i think you do know whats going to happen.............i think your angry because someone you love (your mum) is being made to suffer and because you feel helpless to help her (thats the horrible thing about this disease) but thats understandable.
Its also understandable to feel that you want the suffering to end............but you feel guilty that another part of you does not want to let go.
I think lots here have felt the same feelings and would totally understand, we all know how heart wrenching it is.
All i can say is that if you need to let the anger out, then let it out...........i'm sure your loved ones will understand...............and you won't fall apart honey, your loved ones won't let you............you'll cope, you've got stamina and courage..........and your doing fantastic!!!
Love as always
Anger is just covering up all your sadness , & its all coming from feeling scared of looking back, and seeing the way your mother is now . so you just want to
so what a better way then to to deal with it is to get angry , and who can blame you , NO ONE
you won't fall apart your just cry a sea of tears & release a lot pent up tension making you stronger to help you carry on .
I know I put it somewhere?????
My anger that is ...... about the whole 'dementia sucks' and why is this happening to my mum .......???
Oh Helen, I wish I could say something to help ...... First, thanks for being so honest ...... and helping me realise this is in part where I've been going wrong ......
Hit me like a bolt of lightning recently that my situation is NOT going to go on forever ..... and don't know whether to rejoice or despair in that ..... (just been to docs with mum today and he has intimated he believes her on-going physical ill-health will overlap her dementia progression - should I be glad I'm going to lose her sooner than I might have expected ????? That she (and indeed I) might be 'saved' the suffering you and so many others are having to witness??????) So we will start the rounds of tests and referrals again ...... for what? What quality of life?????
Only there's no anger .... no drive .... no energy giving passion ... just the 'collapsing in a heap' Hazel describes ..... the only thing I'm angry at is myself ....... for not being able to drum up the adrenaline that anger drives ... (and even that's a pretty feeble attempt at trying to throw a tantrum at myself .....) I know, as you do, I can be guilty of letting anger envelop me ..... but echo Brucie's wisdom to 'harness' the energy it can give to get you through this time .....
I just feel like my pilot light has gone out ..... and I'm no earthly use to anyone in this state .....
Thinking of you, Love, Karen, x
It's ok to be angry Helen, it's a roller coaster of emotions..preparing to let go, to see the suffering end, and then to realise it's not over yet, but at the same time not knowing when it will be over.
Can't be of much help, other than to say I've had those feelings too, but I suppose it's different again when it's mum rather than when it's the next generation down (grandparents and great-uncles and aunts)...regardless of that, it's painful...do I prepare for death, how do I prepare for it, will I feel better afterwards, what will happen tomorrow? Will there be a change for the worse? For the "better"?
And the anger...yes, plenty of that...I'm not dealing very well with the "but you have all the happy memories to be grateful for"attitude...it ain't working at the moment. My head tells me one thing, my heart another. Asking lots of "why?" questions but not getting any answers. why them? what a waste. so many more happy years could have been enjoyed had it not been for these illnesses. So much was gradually taken away. It wasn't fair. I want them back. Why are they not here any more? I don't have any answers, Helen. Maybe I shouldn't even be asking these questions since they won't really change anything.
Words are not going to be much comfort here, Helen,...I don't really know what I could say to help.
Thinking of you as you take it day by day.
Love, Tina xx
Thank you all for your replies - tantrum over.
"Just cry a sea of tears" - I love that expression Maggie , and I have tonight and feel better for it.
Hazel (Daughter) I dont know why you deleted your post - but I had already read it - I appreciated what it said. I know that you know where I am at, and I value the support that you have given me.
Alex - I may fall apart - but Im not Humpty Dumpty - I know that I can get back together again (with help from friends).
Karen, your pilot light will never go out - may be burning with a yellow rather than blue flame - but it will come back.
GG, I know that dying is part of living - I know that I have to accept - I think it is the prospect of an extended dying that scares me.
Skye, thank you for quickly saying that it was OK to be angry - sometimes you just need to know that what is considered as a 'negative' and 'bad' emotion is alright to be felt.
Brucie I have some recordings of mum on the camcorder, havent looked at them for years - tomorrow I think I will find them and maybe watch them and put them onto a tape to watch with the boys and dad.
Thanks all of you.
Thanks Tina - just seen your post - you have had so much pain to bare love - I know how close you are to your family.
Helen, I'm glad you're feeling better, and more positive.
Just remember we're here for you, whatever the mood. We've all been there.
Amy, what can I say? You know what you still have to do, and you will go on doing it.
Sending you a special.........love con.
I`m so pleased you didn`t regret your tantrum.
I`m glad you can get back together again.
It`s good you feel better.
The extended dying is extended disease. It still sucks.
I know just how you feel because I've just lost my Mum and I'd love to be angry with somebody, but I can't because nobody is at fault. I hated the fact that sometimes Mum was almost like her old self, but would never be able to walk again and was generally going downhill, healthwise. She'd settled into a routine and I thought she'd still be with us for quite a while.
Something unexpected always seems to happen and I never felt prepared for it. Now it has been nearly six weeks since Mum died, the memory of her in the Nursing Home as a frail old lady is beginning to fade a little and I'm remembering Mum as she used to be. At the time, it almost seemed a relief that she wouldn't suffer any more, but now I'm finding that I am grieving for Mum as she was before and although upseting, I think this must be the next stage of the bereavement process.
I don't know what to say, to help you cope, but there must be many people on TP who have been in a similar situation and understand how you feel. I have found the PMs and posts on here have helped me through. Thank you everyone!
Honey you have every right to feel angry, upset and all the other emotions that go with this, the long goodbye.
So glad you feel better now though, look after yourself.
I'm still angry with
the 2nd social worker
the doctor at the 2nd memory clinic
whoever decided to send my mother to a hospital so far away
the staff at that hospital
(P.S. Sorry I deleted, inadequacy still haunts me. I never know if what I say will help or hurt. Look after yourself, Helen.)
You have never appeared inadequate to us. I for one miss you on TP. Please post whenever and wherever, you are always welcome.
I know exactly how you feel. My mother has been allegedly on her deathbed three times in the past seven months and has rallied each time, a little more damaged both mentally and physically but very much still alive.
A couple of months ago she broke her arm , it has never healed and now two months on they are discussing operating and putting in a pin. I really wonder if this will achieve much to put a person of nearly 80 with hypertension and dementia through surgery is a good move, but when I voiced this the consulatant said , I suppose understandably
"We would be criticized for writing off older people"
There are people in her home over 100 years old and I wonder if this is going to still be going on in 20 years , then I feel guilty for hoping it isnt...etc etc etc