I'm 14 and need someone hopefully a similar age to talk to.

Discussion in 'Younger people with dementia and their carers' started by SophieAnn, Apr 21, 2015.

  1. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    60,141
    Female
    Dundee
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,298
    Yorkshire
    IzzyA what a compassionate and thoughtful daughter you are - and nothing in your posts shows any disloyalty to any of your family - quite the opposite.

    I wonder whether you could steer your mum to us here on TP? Maybe just happen to leave a laptop open on the table with a useful thread on show?
     
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,569
    Merseyside
    Hi Izzy I hope you're ok?
     
  4. IzzyA

    IzzyA Registered User

    Sep 17, 2015
    36
    Thanks for caring!
    I am actually alright. I found this thread when I was feeling rubbish because he got a lot worse all at once. But I've got used to life with him at the next stage of the illness now. Each time he gets a bit worse it just takes me a while to just get over it. Taking my mind of life with hard maths and lots of running!!
    Xx
     
  5. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,569
    Merseyside
    Hard maths:eek:
    Are you studying for your GCSEs?
     
  6. IzzyA

    IzzyA Registered User

    Sep 17, 2015
    36
    Nope - not til next year.
    Maths is just for fun........dont ask! ;) :)
     
  7. IzzyA

    IzzyA Registered User

    Sep 17, 2015
    36
    Thought I'd share this because none of you know who I am and sometimes you say insightful things which make me feel better. A note I wrote to myself on Friday evening (slightly edited for Internet anonymity) :

    Agitated
    Repetitive
    Head in hands
    Loud voice
    Upset
    Angry
    Confused
    Jekyll and Hyde
    Increasingly Hyde

    I feel like a bit of an idiot not talking to anyone for like three years and then bothering a teacher like three times in three weeks.
    Some of the time he seems normal and it's fine but increasing amounts of my time at home are Dad getting agitated about everything, shouting about nothing and me cooking and doing washing and washing up.
    I used to be really good at using school as a distraction but when he got so drastically worse I just felt rubbish all the time and now I'm so tired that it's really hard to forget about the fundamental reasons why. I'm slowly getting better at leaving everything at home again but on days like today being able to just sit in his classroom and feel rubbis twithout being judged or asked why really helps.
    However it's gradually affecting school. Friday marked the second day that I have not done a computer based homework task (either at all or not til the morning it's due) because Dad had attached himself to the computer and I had absolutely no intention of disturbing the peace.
    My oldest brother leaving home has made a big negative difference too because we could really talk. I'm close to brother 2 and 3 but 2 always seems to avoid the issue completely and spend a lot of time in his room and 3 is still so little and doesn't need anything else to think/worry about. He already lives with Dad. Brother 1 was always there and he did a lot of Dad calming duties and late night washing up and sharing a hug when everything was rubbish.
    Obviously mum is amazing and we talk about everything but it's so hard for her. Dad gets the most angry with her and she works a full time job and has enough to do and worry about. I try do to everything I can so she doesn't have to and that's fine most of the time but sometimes I have homework, or something extracurricular or I just am not in the mood to be so bloody responsible and when I don't I feel guilty.
    The very worst thing is when he calms down straight away and wants a hug and I just can't bring myself too when he's just been screaming at us all.
     
  8. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,569
    Merseyside
    Hi Izzy
    First off I'm sending a big hug.

    I'm sorry things are getting more difficult & I feel your mum needs to get some help ASAP.

    Re your older brother moving out us there any way you could go & stay with him overnight to get a break?

    Please keep posting here so we can support you.
     
  9. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,298
    Yorkshire
    Hello again Izzy - glad you feel you can come talk to us and also that you have been seeing your teacher
    but sorry that you and your family are having a tough time.
    I'd like to offer solutions but I wish it were all that simple ...
    So instead, like Cat27 I'm going to ask some questions.
    Has your brother gone to university or has he set up in his own home? Is he nearby? Like Cat I wonder if you could spend some time at his place - maybe a couple of evenings a week to get some homework done? And to talk to him, as he will completely understand your predicament.
    Have you actually told your teacher EXACTLY how you feel? I just wonder, as you may not wish to be so open. I do know that there may be ways to help, maybe getting some young carer's respite, helping with extra equipment ....
    Could you have your own laptop - maybe a Christmas present ready for your GCSE studies? And do you have your own room to hide away in?
    Does your mum have any help? A cleaner, maybe - even a daily help to cook meals? Is there a dishwasher in the house - could there be?
    Does your dad go out during the day to a club or for day care?
    Has he been for some respite care - this is to give the rest of your family a break from caring?
    I appreciate that your mum is a doctor - but sometimes this means that it can be even more tricky for the carer (your mum) to reach out and access the support available. So has there been an assessment of your dad's needs and a carer's assessment for your mum?
    I do feel, like Cat, that your family need to have some support to help care for your dad. Your mum has so much on her plate - and you and your brothers need to be able to study and to relax.
    I am writing as if you were an adult, as you have been so sensible - but I understand that you are a teenager and this is a lot to deal with.
    You say you and your mum talk about everything - you are so lucky, not all families are able to talk - but I wonder if you have told her exactly how you feel? Have you let her know what you have written in this latest post? She does need to know. I appreciate that you want so much to help her, but you are her responsibility, not the other way round. I mean this kindly.
    Could you chat to your brother and get him to talk to her with you - not to gang up on her but just to gently let her know that you need help and you think she needs some help too.
    You have nothing to fell guilty about - I would be so proud of you as a daughter and I'm sure your mum and dad both are.
     
  10. IzzyA

    IzzyA Registered User

    Sep 17, 2015
    36
    We do have a dishwasher but not everything fits in everyday! We have a weekly cleaner and Dad has carers who come in 3 hours a day and do a bit of ironing, occasionally cooking, just stopping him falling asleep all day.
    No I couldn't go and stay with my brother. He's spending a gap year on a sail training vessel.
    Dad's been formally assessed and everything and has a social worker linked to his case. I spoke to her but there is nothing anyone can do! We've looked at respite care and he's not coming on holiday with us at half term so that should be a break.
    I have kind of told my teacher how it is but I always feel a bit stupid sitting there complaining. This Friday I just couldn't face people at lunchtime so I sat in his classroom and tried to get a bit of homework done. The peace and quiet is nice but it also allows me to think and I just ended up crying. He made it clear he was listening if I wanted to talk but I just go a bit monosyllabic... Afterwards I feel there was so much I could have said but I always feel like I'm am complaining.
    Other people have worse lives. Mine really isn't that bad. The previous post I wrote was a kind of diary entry to myself and it was written about midnight when I couldn't sleep after a really bad evening. He's not that bad all the time and he does have carers and we do have a cleaner and I do have my own room so what is there to complain about?
     
  11. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,298
    Yorkshire
    #71 Shedrech, Oct 11, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2015
    Izzy, this is about you, no-one else - and frankly you do have a lot to 'complain' about, as in lots of things to discuss with the adults around you who want to listen and help if they are able! You write so well, it may sound daft, but could you sit at a computer/laptop with the teacher and type what you want to say - I too am hopeless at speaking out my feelings, so I used to write long letters; you can try the modern equivalent.
    That is not to say that other people don't have problems .... but that's not your problem. Most adults don't come up against what you and your family are facing and when we do we find it TOUGH.
    I'm glad you have so many support mechanisms in place at home - and I'm sure you and your family have good days and happy times.
    I wish we could both fix our situations - but we know we can't, we just find the best way we can to carry and ask for help knowing there might not always be any,
    that's where this fantastic forum comes in.
    And wow what a gap year!
    PS hard maths, eh! Good for you. Noticed this in the news
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-34476699
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-34476699
    I did do A level maths decades ago and got the first bit OK but only did the final part the simple way - bet in the future you'll be the one who gets this!:)
     
  12. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,569
    Merseyside
    Izzy it's fine to use here as a diary. It can be very helpful to write stuff down.
    I'm glad you've got your half term holiday to look forward to.
     
  13. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    4,666
    Scotland
    Hi IzzyA,

    If you go monosyllabic when your teacher asks if you want to talk, keep a note of the things that are bothering you and show it too him, I hope this helps you.
     
  14. IzzyA

    IzzyA Registered User

    Sep 17, 2015
    36
  15. wheresthepony

    wheresthepony Registered User

    Sep 13, 2015
    11
    Izzy,
    Please can I say thank you. My daughters are 7&6 and their father has only just had a diagnosis and it sounds like he is a few stages behind your dad. Your posts have been so useful in giving me an insight into what they may face and feel as they grow up.
    I already feel torn between their needs and his, as I am sure your Mum does too.
    I hope you and your Mum and brothers have a good half term break. Don't forget to have some fun, you are a teenager it is allowed!!
     
  16. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    I wrote this years ago to someone else. I hope it helps you.

    Stop thinking others on TP have it worse than you. everyone who is a part of TP has it hard. someone's easy.... Is another someone's hard

    always talk on TP when you need to talk..... cos holding it in ain't good and you never know, by talking, you are helping another who needs to talk too

    You are a great person. I'm in such admiration of you :) xxxxx




    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  17. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    8,514
    leicester
    Izzy

    If you find it difficult to talk to your teacher (I can see how that could be difficult) is there a councillor in the school you could talk to, then your teacher would know how you feel without you having to talk face to face. My friend has now got her granddaughter living with her that is why I know of the support system in the schools.

    I hope this helps you, you are a strong young lady, and we are all with you.
     
  18. IzzyA

    IzzyA Registered User

    Sep 17, 2015
    36
    #78 IzzyA, Oct 13, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2015
    I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. It's my pleasure if the posts help but you have to remember that pretty much everything I write on TP I write when I am feeling lowest. There are as many good/normal times as there are awful times...
     
  19. IzzyA

    IzzyA Registered User

    Sep 17, 2015
    36
    Thanks but I don't think I would find a councillor helpful. I think I would find it awkward and tricky talking to someone I've never met before about my personal life.
    One of the reasons it's hard to tell my teacher everything is because he has his own life and doesn't need me sharing my life story on a regular basis!
     
  20. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,569
    Merseyside
    Hope you have a good day Izzy :)
     

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