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I'm 14 and need someone hopefully a similar age to talk to.

IzzyA

Registered User
Sep 17, 2015
36
Wow!
I'm such a skeptic.
I didn't possibly think that talking could change anything. Writing a diary is supposed to help you let go of emotions but this is even better. I can write anything and none of you know who I am but you all seem to care. This really makes me smile!
I told him - after I wrote the last post I got my act together and found him in his classroom. Went in, tried to chicken out, and then I just told him. We discussed it and he agreed to let my tutor know but not other teachers. There is still absolutely nothing he can do to to make Dad better but when I left that I felt a strange sense of calm and relief that I wasn't expecting...
Thank you for listening, advising and persuading me talk. It's made a huge difference xx
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,854
Chester
Well done IzzyA.

My daughter is 14 and she finds it hard to talk to teachers. Can't imagine her doing that.

Glad you feel better.
 

stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,710
North West
So pleased you were able to do this Izzy. I think you will find that it does help and you may find that gradually you are able to open up to other people.

And TP will always be here for you.
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
West Midlands
It takes courage to look after yourself, to put yourself in others hands, let them know that you need help, and you have that courage

Well done you :)

I'm still (gently) holding your hand, we all are

xxxx







Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,228
Yorkshire
Good on ya IzzyA, brave girl and all off your own bat too - so now you have us to talk to and your teacher and tutor. Brilliant.
I hope that you also had a good sleep and today goes well for you.

May I just ask a small favour - if you ever hear of others who need to talk but are reluctant to make that first move - let them know that teachers/adults aren't all that bad really!
 

IzzyA

Registered User
Sep 17, 2015
36
Good on ya IzzyA, brave girl and all off your own bat too - so now you have us to talk to and your teacher and tutor. Brilliant.
I hope that you also had a good sleep and today goes well for you.

May I just ask a small favour - if you ever hear of others who need to talk but are reluctant to make that first move - let them know that teachers/adults aren't all that bad really!
I certainly will let them know - when I told him he just listened and waited while I figured out how to tell him. Knowing he knows is a great relief but he doesn't make a big deal of it or ask if I'm okay every ten seconds which I great!
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,228
Yorkshire
:):):)
So I hope you have a grand weekend, now!
Keep him and us updated - we're all there for you whenever you need us.
 
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Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,596
Merseyside
I certainly will let them know - when I told him he just listened and waited while I figured out how to tell him. Knowing he knows is a great relief but he doesn't make a big deal of it or ask if I'm okay every ten seconds which I great!
You're building yourself a support network.

You've got us & school to talk now. Please keep posting here.
 

IzzyA

Registered User
Sep 17, 2015
36
How do you calm down somebody with frontotemporal dementia who is unreasonably angry for no apparent reason and is screaming and shouting late into the night?
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,596
Merseyside
Hey Izzy :)

Does the GP or memory clinic know about the anger & aggression? Maybe his medication needs adjusting.

With my dad I try to leave the room & make him a cup of tea etc
I try my hardest to just agree with whatever he says & most importantly I stay out of arms reach.
 

IzzyA

Registered User
Sep 17, 2015
36
Hey Izzy :)

Does the GP or memory clinic know about the anger & aggression? Maybe his medication needs adjusting.

With my dad I try to leave the room & make him a cup of tea etc
I try my hardest to just agree with whatever he says & most importantly I stay out of arms reach.
He's never violent, it's all verbal.
It's just really hard, and I know my mum struggles, to agree when he's talking rubbish about what we've said or done because it just cements the wrong thing in his head and although he can never remember the 'arguments' he always remembers what we've allegedly done wrong.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,596
Merseyside
He's never violent, it's all verbal.
It's just really hard, and I know my mum struggles, to agree when he's talking rubbish about what we've said or done because it just cements the wrong thing in his head and although he can never remember the 'arguments' he always remembers what we've allegedly done wrong.
It's horrid isn't it.
I can't say anything to make it better but I just want you to know I understand & that I'm holding your hand.
 

stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,710
North West
Also Izzy, it's quite likely that your dad will pass through this stage. Then there will be other problems no doubt but he may well not be so violent, even verbally (and that can be really bad, of course - no-one on TP would suggest otherwise).

You sound like a mature young woman and I bet your mum values your support.
 

Tears Falling

Registered User
Jul 8, 2013
637
How do you calm down somebody with frontotemporal dementia who is unreasonably angry for no apparent reason and is screaming and shouting late into the night?
Hi IzzyA. Welcome to TP from me as well. You did a great job on telling your teacher so pleased you did.

My mum has been diagnosed with vascular dementia but displays all the signs of fronttemporal lobe which is what we think she actually has. She gets unreasonably angry all the time. She is prone to getting this way at night. She can start at around teatime and still be going well past midnight. It is very scary. I know you said that your dad has never been violent and I hope that it continues to be that way Dementia can make people unpredictable and my whe I am with my mum I always ensured I was out of arms reach, that I had an exit close to me and that she wasn't blocking the doorway. My dad has to do the same to protect himself. My mum is unfortunately violent.

Trying to distract the person is the first option. Change the conversation. Look for patterns or triggers as to what may start the outburst and try and diffuse it before it gets going. If it happens at a particular time you could try to bring in say quiet time after your evening meal where everyone relaxes and takes some time to unwind before going to bed. We can see when mum is going down, which inshore we refer to the outbursts. She clicks her tongue in her mouth, burps a lot and usually starts to complain about a part of her body. As soon as that starts we try and get her to go and lay down or go,to bed.

Other times we have to wait for her to burn herself out, become exhausted if you like and is forced to stop as her body can do no more. It's exhausting and very distressing for all concerned.

It's worth speaking with your dads GP to see if there is any medication that can be given to help.
 

IzzyA

Registered User
Sep 17, 2015
36
Hi IzzyA. Welcome to TP from me as well. You did a great job on telling your teacher so pleased you did.

My mum has been diagnosed with vascular dementia but displays all the signs of fronttemporal lobe which is what we think she actually has. She gets unreasonably angry all the time. She is prone to getting this way at night. She can start at around teatime and still be going well past midnight. It is very scary. I know you said that your dad has never been violent and I hope that it continues to be that way Dementia can make people unpredictable and my whe I am with my mum I always ensured I was out of arms reach, that I had an exit close to me and that she wasn't blocking the doorway. My dad has to do the same to protect himself. My mum is unfortunately violent.

Trying to distract the person is the first option. Change the conversation. Look for patterns or triggers as to what may start the outburst and try and diffuse it before it gets going. If it happens at a particular time you could try to bring in say quiet time after your evening meal where everyone relaxes and takes some time to unwind before going to bed. We can see when mum is going down, which inshore we refer to the outbursts. She clicks her tongue in her mouth, burps a lot and usually starts to complain about a part of her body. As soon as that starts we try and get her to go and lay down or go,to bed.

Other times we have to wait for her to burn herself out, become exhausted if you like and is forced to stop as her body can do no more. It's exhausting and very distressing for all concerned.

It's worth speaking with your dads GP to see if there is any medication that can be given to help.
Thanks, I sort of knew all of those things - I guess I was looking for a magic solution!!
He's been given risperidone for when it gets really bad but it has a kind of delayed affect (or effect?!) and just makes him drowsy the next day...
 

Suzanna1969

Registered User
Mar 28, 2015
346
Essex
Thanks, I sort of knew all of those things - I guess I was looking for a magic solution!!
He's been given risperidone for when it gets really bad but it has a kind of delayed affect (or effect?!) and just makes him drowsy the next day...
It can take up to 6 weeks for medication to take proper effect Izzy, so don't despair! Also bear in mind that it sometimes takes a few attempts to get the tablets and the dosage right, the doctors don't always get it bang on so you and your Mum giving feedback on how he is coping will help to find out what's working and what isn't.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,228
Yorkshire
Hi IzzyA
Good responses from Tears Falling and Suzanna1969.
I find with my dad that if he begins to get agitated it's best to get him to be on his own, the offer of a cuppa and chocolate biscuit often helps - maybe sitting in a quiet room with some music he enjoys (something soothing - for dad a bit of classical with no singing, or jazz - you'll know what your dad likes) or a TV programme that is not all demanding and has very neutral content, nothing he would get upset by or want to argue against). And I just leave him, no interaction, hardly even check on him.
It's tough, but don't disagree with anything he says - do the whatever but in a pleasant way. Say you're sorry for anything (yep we know it will not be your 'fault' but it takes the sting away from him). Do the sort of baby soothing stuff, but more adult version. And walk away - not nastily but just so he doesn't have you there to bounce his agitation off.
My dad will immediately pick up on any replies and twist them back at me, and get more agitated in the process. He may have dementia but he is very intelligent and I guess the adrenalin kicks in when he gets in that state and he can argue until the cows come home.
I don't even try to reason with him anymore - he is not now capable of having that rational conversation; for a long time I was fooled by his apparent reasoned answers and got pulled into full blown arguments with him being clever and snide and nasty. So I will just need to go to the loo or .... (whatever excuse will get me out of the room).
He's on risperidone too at the moment, his meds are being tweaked to help him. I too find he has times when he seems calm and Ok, then others when he's zonked out - it'll be trial and error to get the dose right, I'm afraid.
It's all so tricky, isn't it.
Best wishes to you and your family.
 

IzzyA

Registered User
Sep 17, 2015
36
Hi IzzyA
Good responses from Tears Falling and Suzanna1969.
I find with my dad that if he begins to get agitated it's best to get him to be on his own, the offer of a cuppa and chocolate biscuit often helps - maybe sitting in a quiet room with some music he enjoys (something soothing - for dad a bit of classical with no singing, or jazz - you'll know what your dad likes) or a TV programme that is not all demanding and has very neutral content, nothing he would get upset by or want to argue against). And I just leave him, no interaction, hardly even check on him.
It's tough, but don't disagree with anything he says - do the whatever but in a pleasant way. Say you're sorry for anything (yep we know it will not be your 'fault' but it takes the sting away from him). Do the sort of baby soothing stuff, but more adult version. And walk away - not nastily but just so he doesn't have you there to bounce his agitation off.
My dad will immediately pick up on any replies and twist them back at me, and get more agitated in the process. He may have dementia but he is very intelligent and I guess the adrenalin kicks in when he gets in that state and he can argue until the cows come home.
I don't even try to reason with him anymore - he is not now capable of having that rational conversation; for a long time I was fooled by his apparent reasoned answers and got pulled into full blown arguments with him being clever and snide and nasty. So I will just need to go to the loo or .... (whatever excuse will get me out of the room).
He's on risperidone too at the moment, his meds are being tweaked to help him. I too find he has times when he seems calm and Ok, then others when he's zonked out - it'll be trial and error to get the dose right, I'm afraid.
It's all so tricky, isn't it.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Thanks, sorry to hear your Dad has been over taken by monsters most of the time too.

When I bring mum up I feel like I am betraying her but I think half the time it would be easier to get dad to calm down if she didn't enter into what he's saying and keep an argument going.
There's is nothing you can guys can say but I don't understand why mum won't drop it. She's a GP, so a stressful job, and I'm beginning to think the stress is starting to make her ill too. Dad can talk utter rubbish and it's very frustrating but she picks him up on the slightest things and they often end up shouting at each other. When that happens life is awful and there is nothing anyone can do it about it.

I love my Dad and when he tantrums I know it's the disease and it breaks my heart that there is nothing I can do.

But when mum gets all shouty it breaks my even more because I'm so close with her and we can confide in each other and I know it's not the real her. Again there is seemingly nothing I can do bit there SHOULD be. I make meals, do food orders, do washing...anything to possibly reduce the stress she's under but living with Dad is hard for all of us.

Most of the time I really don't want my Dad to leave but sometimes I wonder if it would be best?
My youngest brother is eleven and he never seems to get upset in the way I do. Partly because he is often asleep when this happens but also because he was 6 or 7 when Dad was diagnosed and he will have the dementia for even longer than that and I worry that my little brother sees this behave as the norm. This is the worst thing because he isn't in a good environment to learn and do his homework and he is growing up with a screaming dementia ridden role model.

I am a fair bit older than my brother and can see it is the wrong way to behave but even I have a ridiculously quick temper when I'm at home and I am quick to shout. This will be partly due to tiredness but also the environment.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,596
Merseyside
Your mum could just be following the tried & trusted ways of her marriage. It's very hard to change how you react.
I struggle with my dad as it's instinct to correct him. Now I bite my tongue.

Have you or your mum considered your dad going into respite for a couple of weeks to give everyone a break?

Hope you have a good day xx