I have not read everyone's posts, but can empathise with all of the ones I read! My OH was fomally diagnoised in May 2017 (Dementia - Alzheimer's, although I think it is with Lewy's Bodies) but I had seen it coming since 2011. I had been the carer for his mom as she lived with us for the last couple of years and prior to that I did most of what was needed for her as my OH could not cope with it. Hence when I saw some of the first tell tale signs, I realised what was likely the cause - took the kids a bit longer to agree with me and then the OH took ages before we finally convinced him to see the Dr. As a very inteligent individual tho' he came back from the first simple test the surgery do (he went without telling me or asking me to go along) saying he got a 100% so was totally fine! It was only after he drove into the front of our house that he fanially agreed to go again and this time I went along and then got it in the neck for 'telling it like it was'! I think my OH has a family (on his mom's side) that has dementia in every generation and many of the aunts and uncles have had it - his last uncle dying from it in January.
My OH is 8 years older than me and while we did not have a great marriage (from my point of view), we have 4 great kids and 3 grandchildren - it is 40 years this year. I guess I don't think about walking away because it is not an option in my thinking - but I do find myself wondering how long it will be and thinking about what I will be able to do when this phase of my life is over. I am not looking forward to the next few years, but I am really looking forward to the time after my OH is gone. I feel guilty that now knowing what the future holds I am hoping it will pass quickly (for both our sakes) and I can get on with life.
At the moment, the OH seems quite happy (although still talks about trying to get his driver's licence back) he spends an inordinate amount of time looking for stuff, glasses, clothes, briefcase etc. He is however, driving me nuts! He has it in his head we have another house so keeps asking about it, how did I buy it without telling him, then commenting on the other person that is living in it and they might take the furniture, who is paying the rates etc. This has been a recurring theme of his since last year, it is just getting worse and at points I just say I am not discussing it anymore - give him the same answer everytime - no other house, no other person, etal but somehow that does not compute!!!!! I have occassionally said where is this other house, and he says he doesn't know but sure he has seen it.
There are a couple of things that seem to have become clear to me now having had experience of carring for two people with dementia:
1. It is easier to care for an in-law than a partner or parent - the emotional attachment and subsequently the emotional baggage influences how the relationship between carer and those cared for play out
2. That the traits of the individual become the driving force for how the disease plays out in individual's. That is, if the individual was quiet and self contained not subject to outbursts and generally a calm individual it is likely they will just become quieter and withdraw within themselves. While if they are a worrier, or prone to anger or outbursts, this is likely to be more pronounced through the various stages of dementia.
Neither of the above points are based on anything more than my own observations and experience but has helped me to make sense of the course of the dementia in the two people that I have/am taking care of.
I have a 'day off' tomorrow as I have a whole day out without my OH, can't remember the last time I had that.........so looking forward to it!! I am going to look at day centres after Easter as I really need to keep him occupied at least one or two days a week, or I may have to reconsider my decision to 'stick it out'! I don't think he will agree to it so I have a cunning plan - will ck the local ones out and pick the one I think he will go to and then get one of his male friends to take him and introduce him to it = he will never agree to go if I try to take him. Here is hoping!!