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'If I get like that, put me in a home'

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,024
0
Nottinghamshire
Thanks @Bikerbeth. The visiting policy is a pain as I can only go on Tuesdays or Saturdays and the next few of those are booked up with things that I've planned such as meeting friends, something I only realised after I'd sorted out dates etc.. I do find visiting tricky as mum wants to wander and they want you to stay in the same room. I also can't go up to her room, which would be useful as I could sort things out. I'd like to properly get to know the carers and other residents too. The home have been good at phoning up to check on things and tell me what's going on though.
The latest is mum not eating very much so she's on ensure shakes and the home's kitchen is going to try to whip up some nice shakes for her to drink too.
We're loving living here. Both my husband and I have joined clubs for things we are interested in and my friend that was already living here keeps inviting me to interesting things. I've just seen an email pop up inviting me to a 'Disco for Grown Ups.' I went to one with her a few weeks ago and it was fun, even if most of the music was from after my disco going days. I must be very grown up!
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,024
0
Nottinghamshire
I went to see mum today and it was one of the best visits in a while. Her voice was much louder and although I understood more or less nothing of what she said, she seemed very happy to see me and even mentioned my name, something I haven't heard in a while. They had a member of staff dedicated to sorting out the visits so I asked just to be given fifteen minutes which was fine.
She's looking quite good, though it would help if her previous home found her missing teeth. She's also had her hair cut, so looked rather more like mum.
It's a right pain that visiting is so limited though.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,114
0
Bedford
So pleased you had a good visit. It does make a difference.
It does sound like your Mum has settled well there.
Pleased to hear that the move has also worked for you - keep on boogie - ing :)
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,024
0
Nottinghamshire
I had a phone call from local social services yesterday regarding the fall mum had a few weeks ago. When I asked exactly who she was I discovered she was from the safeguarding team, but didn't like to introduce herself as that as it worried relatives. She was excellent and explained what the home had put in place to try and make sure mum doesn't have more falls, including breakfast in bed and trying to make sure she uses the walking frame. I'm surprised the home didn't phone me to tell me the same thing, but I'm happy that they referred themselves to safeguarding and are taking things seriously.
Reading between the lines I think mum is probably as feisty as ever. As I explained she was always an assertive woman, who, unlike me, could make difficult decisions at work without turning a hair. She did it all with charm, something that is now lost though the toughness remains.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,114
0
Bedford
That does sound good that the home are looking and finding solutions to try and stop your Mum having falls. I hope they do the trick
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,024
0
Nottinghamshire
I went to see mum yesterday. Her voice is still stronger, though I still can't understand a lot of what she says. What I did understand was mum being rather cross, not wanting to be there and wanting to live on her own. There was a certain amount of cushion bashing too. I helped the carer move her to a wheelchair to go back to her floor at the end of the visit and her mobility is very bad now.
I do so wish this pandemic would end. It would be so much easier if I could visit mum in her room, sort out her stuff and chat to staff and other residents to get a feel as to how things really are.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,024
0
Nottinghamshire
Our original Christmas plan was my brother, his wife and son would come up on Christmas Day and then they would visit mum on Boxing Day. Our son, who was also visiting, tested positive on Christmas Day so that scuppered that plan.
Sister in Law texted me this afternoon to say they were now thinking of visiting tomorrow and seeing mum on Tuesday. Fine with us, so I suggested she phone the home to book themselves in.
Now comes the interesting part. She phoned me up to tell me mum has covid and that I would have been told. Oh no I hadn't. As they obviously wouldn't tell her how mum was, I phoned to find out more. I got lots of apologies as they realised that, no, they hadn't told me. I think SIL gave them a bit of a hard time, as they sounded as though they expected me to be very cross with them. I know the home is short staffed and if a few residents are ill they must be busier than ever. so I was nice about it. Mum is as fine as a nearly 94 year old with advanced dementia can be. Still not eating a lot (just jam sandwiches) but drinking fortified shakes so obviously not at the end of life stage.
My brother's family is still coming to see us, which will be fun, though a shame our son is now back home, so will miss seeing his cousin. Due to the age gap our son is more like an uncle, and my nephew really misses seeing him.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,114
0
Bedford
Hi, how is your Mum doing now.?
It does sound like she is settled there.
Sorry to hear your Christmas did not go to plan either
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,024
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Bikerbeth , lovely to hear from you. I hope your mum is doing OK and her home has at last sorted out a stable management team.
Mum sounds fine, but the home keeps on getting cases of covid so they aren't open at the moment. I could apply to be an essential care giver I guess, but I really think I'd just be getting in everyone's way and as mum doesn't recognise me I don't really see the point. I'm happy as long as she is settled, and it sounds like she is as settled as much as she can be.
Brother and family came to visit for the night on the 3rd and it was lovely to see them in person. My brother is still pretty frail so spent a lot of time in bed, but at least our new house is big enough that we could tuck him away, and the rest of us could get on with having fun.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,024
0
Nottinghamshire
Just been to see mum for the first time since before Christmas. What with various cases of covid, including mum, the home wasn't open for most of January. I phoned last week and made an appointment for this week which was when I discovered I wasn't on the mail list for updates from the home. At least that has been sorted. The good news is the home is almost back to normal. You still have to book visits, and they have to be in the residents room, but you can go any day or time you fancy apart from lunch and tea time. I was able to see mum's room for the first time since she's moved in, and just being with her in her room is much easier. I still couldn't really understand what's she's saying, though she did seem pleased to see me and made some nice comments about my hair and clothes, which was a plus. She still wants to come home with me, but seems pretty settled. On the way out I talked about her birthday which is in three weeks time. I'm going to share cake etc that afternoon which will be good, as I'll get to meet some other residents and staff.
A member of staff came into the charity bookshop where I volunteer last week. She was looking for large print books for some of the residents and was very happy to go away with Fifty Shades of Grey.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,687
0
Southampton
Just been to see mum for the first time since before Christmas. What with various cases of covid, including mum, the home wasn't open for most of January. I phoned last week and made an appointment for this week which was when I discovered I wasn't on the mail list for updates from the home. At least that has been sorted. The good news is the home is almost back to normal. You still have to book visits, and they have to be in the residents room, but you can go any day or time you fancy apart from lunch and tea time. I was able to see mum's room for the first time since she's moved in, and just being with her in her room is much easier. I still couldn't really understand what's she's saying, though she did seem pleased to see me and made some nice comments about my hair and clothes, which was a plus. She still wants to come home with me, but seems pretty settled. On the way out I talked about her birthday which is in three weeks time. I'm going to share cake etc that afternoon which will be good, as I'll get to meet some other residents and staff.
A member of staff came into the charity bookshop where I volunteer last week. She was looking for large print books for some of the residents and was very happy to go away with Fifty Shades of Grey.
i suppose they all had a life before dementia but i hope she warns them first. i hope they dont re-enact it out as part of their reality
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,024
0
Nottinghamshire
Today is my mum's ninety-fourth birthday. I've been reflecting on her past birthdays and how her dementia developed over the years.
Looking back there were probably early signs at her eightieth. We went to The Ivy and were treated like VIPs as my sister is very high up in film PR and has taken a lot of A list celebs there. When we arrived the table wasn't ready and the maitre d' sent us to the bar. He told the bar man to give us champagne on the house. Mum took it all in her stride and acted as though that sort of thing happened all the time. I could see the other diners wondering who she was. It could have been mum just enjoying playing a part, but she really seemed unaware that a lot of effort was being put into making her feel special.
A couple of years later, and I was really annoyed when all she wanted to talk about at her birthday lunch was herself and she seemed totally uninterested in the general catch up of family news that was going on between my brother and I.
A couple of more years and she was very cross with me because she was sure I'd said we were going out for dinner, when it was actually lunch. In the restaurant I had to go to the loo with her to make sure she got back to her table.
By the the time of her ninetieth there were serious concerns about her ability to still live independently though she thought she was fine. Despite some off scenes drama the party my sister in law and I organised went well.
Her ninety-first she spent most of the meal talking to my brother as though he was my long dead dad. Two months later he was seriously ill in hospital and mum was in a care home.
Her ninety-second the home organised a dancer to entertain mum and the other residents. We all had a good time, though mum insisted she was seventy-six. The entertainer believed her. Three weeks later we were in lockdown.
Her ninety-third my husband and I did a dance to All That Jazz on one side of a Perspex screen while mum danced on the other. Apparently she carried on dancing all afternoon when they had a Frank Sinatra impersonator in.
Today the home had dressed her nicely in party clothes but she wouldn't or maybe couldn't get out of bed. She was pretty angry a lot of the time, though I couldn't understand why. The home had provided a lovely cake, which mum really didn't like, though I thoroughly enjoyed my slice. It gives me confidence the food at the home is good when someone can make a really good Victoria sponge. She seemed happier at the end when I held her close and kissed her. Maybe that will be the way to go in future.
It's not been a good week parent wise. My lovely mother in law has had three nasty falls and a trip to hospital from her care home and seems to have declined further too.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,687
0
Southampton
seems like the home gave a good birthday even if your mum wasnt happy. 94 is a very good age. maybe she was not understanding what the occasion was. maybe your mum will have cake later. sorry your m-i-l has not been so fortunate and spent time in hospital. will they find out what is causing them?
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
97
0
I love the long story @Sarasa and you have clearly done so much for your mum. Today I visited my mum and when I arrived, the staff at her home were gathered near Reception having some training about the fire alarms. F (mum) was in good spirits and standing in amongst them, as she thought she was hosting this group of people as she would have done when she was a headteacher, and she invited them all into her room. Luckily they played along really well, and were forgotten shortly! Then the staff at the home had made a LOVELY life story book for mum with pictures and everything for International Womens Day next week - I read it out to her (I had written it) and it was SO difficult not to cry as I did - as my feisty and dynamic mother who had such an interesting career has disappeared into a world of weird confusion. However I am WELL aware that luckily mostly I am sadder about it than she is! Thanks for your story….
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
6,337
0
Chester
I'm sorry your mum wasn't in birthday mood and didn't want any cake.

Because we make an occasion of birthday's they do provide a marker to be able to reflect back. I did think how well you'd managed to connect with your mum last year with the jazz music during covid.

I have also been able to use birthday's to recall mum's decline, with hindsight things weren't right a few years before she turned 80 although on the day of her 80th with hosting I didn't spot anything amiss.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,024
0
Nottinghamshire
I went to see mum again today. Now the home has opened up a lot I'm hoping I can visit more often. The home is on route to/from the leisure centre where I go a couple of times a week. When I moved mum it was always my intention to make short visits on the way back from a class or the gym. The strict visiting regime put paid to that at first, but now as long as you book you can visit more or less when you like.
My mum was in bed, but seemed happy enough and comfortable. I chatted, cuddled her a lot and she said I was lovely, so a good visit. She is so frail now, and also wearing incontinence pads so I guess that incontinence has finally struck. She was nicely dressed and looked OK, but her nails were filthy. I went and talked to the carers about that and they said they had difficulty persuading her to let them see to them. I can believe it, it was the same in her old home. I also asked about her getting up and walking, and they said that tends to happen when she is sundowning in the afternoon. I'm going to book in again for next week and maybe see if I can have a go at sorting out her nails. I've said itbefore but I'm a stranger to manicures etc. I keep my nails extremely short and that's about it, so not sure how much I can help.
I've flagged up how frail she is to my brother, and as he is feeling quite well at the moment he might pop up to see her. That would be good, as I think he needs to see how she is now.
 

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