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'If I get like that, put me in a home'

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,395
0
Kent
I hope you find really suitable homes for both your mother ad mother in law @Sarasa. It`s interesting to realise you have different criteria for each mother. :)
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
2,030
0
High Peak
Just to add, don't forget that care homes can - and do - change over time. My mother died in late 2019 but yesterday I found out the care home she was in has been closed down.

I haven't had any contact with them since mum died, but do hear various things on the grapevine. I do know that there were many covid deaths during the first wave, when so many homes were badly hit. When I spoke to the ex-admin lady yesterday (who had been in the job for 20+ years) she told me there was a 'falling out' between the owners of the home (one of the big groups) and the CCG. I don't know much more than that other than that it was a forced closure. She told me they had to move the remaining 22 residents to other homes, some many miles away. All very sad and upsetting for those involved.

When mum was there, it was really good at first but then there were two changes of management and a lot of staff turnover. It was still ok - you can always find things to moan about with a care home or things that could be better, but it did start to have a more stressy feel and the staff never looked happy, always seemed more concerned with who was watching than what they were actually doing.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,725
0
That is a good point @Jaded'n'faded . The home I've chosen was a 'needs improvement' a couple of years ago, but seems to have sorted itself out. Certainly my husband and I discounted one for his mother on the grounds that of it had had the same owner for thirty-four years, they were likely to be considering selling it sooner rather than later.
Today I went down with the dual aim of seeing mum and getting an assessment sorted for the home up here. Mum's home has opened up quite a bit, so I could go up and see her as soon as I arrived. She'd just been given a shower and was in a foul mood, telling me I was horrible and to get out. Things improved a bit, and by the time I left mum thought I was lovely and beautiful. She didn't want to get out of bed again, which was a shame as I was trying to persuade her to go and get her hair cut as the hairdresser was in.
In between that the care home up here called and we did an assessment via what's app. I'm pleased that they have accepted mum, fingers crossed I've made the right decision. I certainly think having her close by is the best thing to do. She looks so frail now that I'm surprised she's still going.
 
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Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,093
0
Bedford
That’s good news that the new home has accepted your Mum. It seems like you have considered lots of factors in making your decision which is all you can do. I think really, you had to bring your Mum closer to you and hopefully she will settle in well.
i am pleased that the visit ended on a good note. Better to go from bad to good than the other way round
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
676
0
This sounds like good news for everyone! I did wonder when dad's home questioned if they could cope with him long term if I could move him up the country a bit, reduce that 7 hour drive, but actually I think his LA funding will mean he has to stay in the city he's in.
Hope you're still beautiful and lovely next visit!
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,725
0
Things have now been sorted and mum is moving on the 6th September. I'm going down in a couple of weeks to bring some of her stuff up so the new care home can make her new room look homely. I don't know how much she'll notice but it's worth a whirl. I'm then going to be there to help move her on the day, fingers crossed she's in a good mood and it all happen smoothly.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,093
0
Bedford
Glad you now have a move date sorted for your Mum. I am sure in the long term that it will make it easier for you and yes hopefully your Mum will settle quickly. May the move be stress free for you both
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,725
0
Aggghhhhh! I attempted to go down today with a few to sort mum's stuff out a bit and bring a few things back up with me, ahead of moving mum on the sixth September. Yet again the train service was in meltdown due to signal failure. I ended up bailing out when I realised I was likely to be stuck on a crowded train for a while.
Dithering as to whether to make another attempt next week.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,395
0
Kent
There seem to be more transport problems post lockdown than during lockdown @Sarasa. It seems much to do with many absent personnel seemingly because they have been `pinged` and are forced to isolate.

Our 8 minute bus service is now half an hour and we have no idea whether a bus will come or not. I couldn`t get a taxi last Sunday because there were no drivers and the same was said by my home delivery person today.

It`s hard to say which day of the week might be better for travelling. Maybe Tuesdays?

I hope you manage to get there before the move.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,725
0
I've emailed the manager and suggested next Tuesday as a possible date if he thinks it will be useful. We're away for a few days from Thursday and though we could go and pick some stuff up on our way to stay with our friends, it wouldn't get to the new care home before mum arrives.
 

PatRayH

Registered User
Aug 16, 2021
89
0
My sister said to me if she ever got like my mother (i.e. pwd ) then my sister wanted to be shot.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
275
0
Euthanasia and voluntary euthanasia are not permitted in England but, as part of what is known as advance care planning, you can record that you do not want certain treatments and interventions which could be regarding as life prolonging. Have a look at the Compassion in Dying website which deals with this. My mother was given iv antibiotics for pneumonia two years before she died. She went on to have two years of increasingly poor quality of life until she reached the end of her dementia 'journey' as a husk of the woman she once was. The antibiotics had already been started before I became aware that my mother had been taken to hospital. With hindsight, I wondered whether I should have tried to get them withdrawn but didn't know whether it would have been cruel or even appropriate to have raised the issue. So, if you feel strongly that you do not want any life prolonging treatment or interventions then all you can do is record your wishes in a legally binding document. In the absence of such a document the doctors' first instinct (and probably duty) will always be to treat.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,725
0
Today I have just moved mum from her care home where we used to live to one up here in the East Midlands. Mum's lovely carer B was so concerned about ensuring the new lot of carers know how to look after mum, and is phoning me later to check she is OK. I'm hoping mum will settle, her mood was extremely volatile, but she had a couple of moments of almost clarity, for instance saying in reply to me saying I like green and wear a lot of it, that her daughter did too. B was of the opinion I was doing the right thing, as he seemed to be gently hinting that he thinks she is beginning to get to the end of life, though that may well be a way off yet, and she should be somewhere near family.
I'm booked in to see her on Saturday, and all being well, that will be a regular slot.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
676
0
I do hope mum settles well @Sarasa - I can't remember if your mum is self-funding? I have wondered if/when dad becomes too much for the home if I couldn't move him closer but I can't see how he could move local authority, or perhaps I'm just being silly thinking he has to stay in his county. I would say he should stay there because of his friends but they seem to be non-existent, and now he doesn't want to go out it seems to make little difference where he is apart from the arduous journey on my part... and if he had to move anyway?

Anyway hope you had a great break, I think you said you were going away for a few days. And good luck with the visit on Saturday!
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
275
0
I chose a home near to where my mother lived because I hoped that her friends - and my brother (who had lived locally but was living abroad at the time) on his visits back to the UK - would visit her. I think that it was a mistake. I don't think that any of her friends visited her and even after my brother returned permanently to the UK he didn't visit her without me even though he lived literally 10 minutes drive away. I had a three hour round trip and visited every couple of weeks. With hindsight, I should have chosen a home near me, and I would have been able to visit two or three times a week. We had to make a decision about care homes very quickly and it never occurred to me to move her near me. My advice to anyone is to be realistic about how much friends will visit. The sad fact of the matter is that friends tend to disappear once people develop dementia. I think that it might be different if the PWD has a partner or family member living with him/her who can act as host and be there to provide reassurance and support to both the PWD and the friend.