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'If I get like that, put me in a home'

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,571
0
Another visit to mum today. She seemed very smiley and quite bright, but I didn't have a clue what she was saying. She also thought the carer was her daughter when she was trying to explain that I was. After about ten minutes she headed off down the corridor and I followed in pursuit. She is very bent over now and just shuffles, though still not using a stick. The carers say she walks up and down all the time. Her hair has been cut and looks good, but her nails were in a bit of a state. I flagged this up to the carer but apparently mum isn't keen on people trying to sort them out. I'd have a go next time, but manicuring and I are complete strangers to each other. I keep my nails as short as possible and apart from the odd bit of hand cream don't do anything else. I wouldn't have a clue where to start.
I also told the home I'm moving - yes we've finally exchanged on this place. Probate still not quite sorted at the other end, but there are hopes it will be by the 25th May when we move. At least we've been told we can move our stuff in, so I guess we can have an ad-hoc holiday while we wait. My plan is to pop down once a month to see mum, and think of moving her near us maybe early next year.
In other news my brother seems to be still on the mend though he hasn't been over to see mum yet.
Mum May 2020.jpg
 

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Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,138
0
Kent
A smile is so important @Sarasa . The shuffling is to be expected but the smile can only be taken as contentment.

Sorry about the fingernails. I wouldn`t want to do them either. Does your mum have chiropody? If so perhaps the chiropodist would be willing to sort the fingers as well as the toes.
You can only ask.

Good to hear your brother is still improving and the house move is going ahead.
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
810
0
Lovely photo of your mum @Sarasa , sounds like you had a good visit. Hope the staff manage to sort your mum's nails out. Good news that your brother is continuing to improve, and your house sale progressing.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,092
0
Bedford
Glad to see your Mum smiling and also pleased to know that you could go chasing down the corridor after her after all this time of visiting restrictions. My Mum is similar in that only occasionally will she will let the Carers do her nails. I too am a stranger to manicures so struggle.
Glad to hear that you have exchanges now and I hope the final issues are resolved smoothly. Despite the issues it must be getting exciting
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
29
0
I've had a thread for the last year on the Memory Concerns and Seeking a Diagnosis forum about my ups and downs trying to support my mother and get her the help she needs. I think it's time to start a new thread here now mum has just moved into a home.
The title comes from something she said to me when she was in her fifties and running round holding down a demanding job and trying to support my dad look after his parents. I thought at the time it was unlikely she'd think that when she got to needing one, and so it proved.
A bit of background, mum has been very insistent that she is fine, even though her behaviour has become more and more erratic the last year or so. The first real worry was when she thought her new neighbours were coming in and moving her belongings, controlling her heating and stealing her belongings. She kept on banging on their door demanding they returned things. Over the last six months her general memory has got very much worse, she was very confused about times and dates, often thinking I'd been there when I hadn't and forgetting I'd been there when I had. She also couldn't remember various members of the family, confusing my son with my brother for instance. She was also putting herself at risk by going to the local pubs and drinking with random men. Physically she is pretty amazing for 91, but has very poor eyesight due to macular degeneration
We had several attempt at getting her to the memory clinic, and in the end after a meltdown in her doctor's surgery the psychiatrist paid her a surprise visit. He diagnosed 'probable vascular dementia'.
Neither my brother or I live near by, so we persuaded mum she would move nearer my brother. The original idea was that mum would move into extra care accommodation near him, and with that in mind we put her flat on the market. The sale of this is in the process of going through at the moment. Recently though the extra care complex has reduced the amount of support available to residents, and with mum's continued decline we realised that wouldn't be enough. Then my brother was diagnosed with cancer and needed a major operation, so needed to take a step back. Add in that I was going on holiday and as a family we agreed to find mum a residential home near me on a temporary basis, with a view to making it permanent.
So on Wednesday I moved mum in. She thought we were going on holiday (a long story but in theory she is going on a cruise with sister in law and I in June). When she realised I'd been extremely economical with the truth she was not happy. I had told her she'd be staying near me for a bit, but she'd forgotten that she kicked off, and I thought for a horrible minute of two the home were going to ask me to take her away. Since then it has been up and down, but last heard of she was teaching the other residents dance moves, so maybe she is starting to settle. From what they said this morning she is more confused than she was. She has totally forgotten I'm married, but thinks I have a nasty boyfriend who won't let mum live with me, said she needed to get home to her mum, and thinks she's been there for eight weeks.
So early days, and goodness knows what happens next but I'm off on holiday tomorrow. When I get back I'm going to cancel the cruise. My brother will be out of hospital by then, but obviously still not well, and I don't want to unsettle mum again if she's settled. Hopefully she'll have forgotten about the cruise. It's been one of the few things she has remembered consistently recently.
It sounds as if you have done completely the right things! We are currently trying to navigate my mum’s decline and - although SHE always said ‘put me in a home if I get like that’ of course the reality is very different!
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,571
0
After a failed attempt to go and see mum a fortnight ago when the train got stuck which meant I would have missed my slot to visit mum I went down to see her today.
The rules and regulations seem to be being relaxed so I could go up to mum's floor and see her in her room.
That was just as well as she refused to get out of bed. We did get her sitting up and drinking a cup of tea and eating a few biscuits, but she didn't want to go and listen to her favourite carer playing the piano. After about three quarters of an hour I left her. She waved me off quite cheerfully, but I don't think she had a clue who I was.
She seems to have declined a lot in the last six weeks, but it was good to see that her room was nicely arranged and that most of her clothes were there.
I've mentioned elsewhere about maybe moving her up here. It would mean I could get there quickly if there was a problem, and that her money should last longer, but she seems pretty settled there. Decisions, decisions.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,571
0
I've had a couple of phone calls from the home today. The first was to inform me mum had had a fall and they were worried as she'd bashed her head so they had called an ambulence. The second was to say that the paramedics had called, patched her up and that she was now walking around in her usual fashion. It had taken ages to get her sorted as she wouldn't stop flirting with the paramedics which seems very much like my mum, so obviously she's basically fine. The home are going to put a mat by her bed to alert them when she gets up, as that seems to be when she has falls.
I've now started to consider a move near my new home. I've only got as far as writing down homes that sound possible as they are easy for me to get to and they say they cater for residents with dementia. I'll do some more research, make a short list and see if I can visit or at least chat to them about mum and her needs in detail.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
5,729
0
Nottinghamshire
I’m glad your mum seems ok @Sarasa . My dad’s home was only a ten minute bike ride from me and it made it so easy to visit. I hope you can find somewhere suitable that your mum likes. (Perhaps with a few male carers 😜🤭)
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,571
0
I think the number of male carers and whether or not they are fanciable will be high on my list of priorities ;)
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,323
0
Hi Sarasa, your mum's care home sounds good, I hope you find somewhere equally good near you. I'm not sure if care homes are letting people in to have a look round yet? I can't imagine being able to make the decision without going in and seeing other residents and experiencing the atmosphere.

My mother's CH is a 15 minute drive from me but in all honesty I have barely seen her in the past 15 months. First of all we couldn't visit at all, then they set up a system which doesn't really work for me/her. So she may as well be 100 miles away.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,092
0
Bedford
I am pleased to hear that your Mum was ok after her fall and they are looking at taking precautions as appropriate. The decision to move your Mum must be a difficult one as the current home does seem good. Is it a ‘one off’ or a chain? I just wondered if it was a chain that it might appear to be familiar. Being nearer does have the benefits for visiting (especially if visiting policies get ‘better’) and also in the case of any hospital trips needed.
I guess you still have quite a bit of time to weigh up the options.
I hope you are all settled in now
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,571
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We went to look at the top home on my list today. We were impressed, although of course our tour round was rather restricted due to covid regulations. It looks very much like mum's current home, but is built to a rather more generous scale, so the corridors are a bit wider and there are several more lounge areas, and a bigger garden.
I'm going to look at at least one more place, but if we decide to move mum I think this will be the place.
 

Countryside1

Registered User
Jul 14, 2017
8
0
We went to look at the top home on my list today. We were impressed, although of course our tour round was rather restricted due to covid regulations. It looks very much like mum's current home, but is built to a rather more generous scale, so the corridors are a bit wider and there are several more lounge areas, and a bigger garden.
I'm going to look at at least one more place, but if we decide to move mum I think this will be the place.
I have been reading your posts.......exhausting is an understatement! You have to experience it to really get it.
Such similarities to my experience with my mum, essentially she hates it in a home and I hate going but miss her dreadfully, awful constant sleepless nights worrying about her in there-it’s hard not to when nearly every visit she’s crying about being left there, stressing about going to the toilet (she wears a nappy now as her broken pelvis which put her in the home ended her ability to walk), snapping and being nasty at me for not ‘helping’ her enough.
Reading your bit about moving away made me feel a bit better, we have been planning on moving out of London for years and next spring when my daughter finishes college is the time (also we are nearly 50 and need to start paying a mortgage ASAP!) but it now coincides with ‘deserting’ mum. I’ll be the last of 5 kids to move away from ‘home’. I feel so bad to do it but this is my future and our own first home for my kids future. It’s now (next spring) or never. I have been so close to mum everyday of my life (I was a teenage single mother and mum supported us fully). Anyway, reading your story has made me feel a little less bad and like I’m abandoning her. I wouldn’t/haven’t told her recently, she knew before the dementia but has forgotten nearly every fact now. I do the lottery just to dream that if I won I’d have a home with 24 hour care for her next to me.
Im dreading visiting her on Friday, last visit last Friday was awful...she threw stuff at me and started shouting ‘get me my mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Help me! Help me please! I’m going to die! It was awful. Really high pitched and more distressed than ever. She gets really angry when I try to go, I have to leave her with a carer to get away, I always leave with tears in my eyes. Sweating under all the bloody PPE! Gloves, apron, mask.
so sad. My poor mum. I miss her so much😢
I’m going with my eldest daughter though, who is 28, my mother adored/es her but doesn’t know who we are anymore until we tell her.
my mum also said ‘you put me in a home, don’t you go worrying about me, get on with your life’. Doesn’t turn out like that though does it?!
Nunight x
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,571
0
So sorry that your mother is so unsettled in her home. @Countryside1 . It sounds as tough she has slipped back in time and wants her mother. My mother is the same, she got really upset at one point as she thought one of the other residents was her mum and she was being mistreated. The lady in question did look a bit like my grandma, and the mistreatment was her being fed which mum totally misread. Now mum is much calmer, and seems to be very engaged with the carers. That is one of the niggles I have about a move, but I hope she'd like the carers in the new home as much.
As for you, go for it. You can always go back and visit your mum or try to arrange a care home near you. For a long time we lived fifteen minutes drive from mum. We then moved further away from mum but nearer to our jobs as both my husband and I had difficult commutes. At the time mum was living independently, and though it was obvious she wasn't as sharp as she'd once been, I didn't really consider that she might have the start of dementia. I don't regret that move, though the ninety minute slog on two trains and a bus to visit her twice a week as her cognition declined became a bit of a pain.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,571
0
I've been to look at three care homes these last two days. The ones yesterday were with my mother in law in mind and the one today was for my mum. One of the ones yesterday would have been fine for my mum, but we think it would overwhelm my very nervous mother in law, and it's too far from where we live. The company have a similar home in our area, but that's too far for me to walk to, so I'm not going to look.
The one today was lovely, really nice atmosphere and a pleasant mix of rooms. The garden, in particular, was great. However I don't think it's really suitable for my mother. Too different to her current home, rather too quiet and I noticed a staircase that was easily accessible. Most of the other residents I saw had limited mobility, but I could well see mum using that, and falling down it. However it would be a good contender for my MiL, just in the wrong place for the rest of the family. My husband's added it to the joint spread-sheet they've got, just in case they're interested.
I'm pretty sure I'm going with the home I saw last week. Tomorrow I'll contact the home I want to move her to and her current home and start the process.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,092
0
Bedford
That all sounds really positive and great that you have been able to see a few.
Did you find it easier to make a decision on suitability this time ? I just wondered based on your Mum current home if you could then look at potential new homes that still had the good bits of the old but not the bad bits. Just curious as I think I would have different criteria if I moved Mum now.
Anyway I hope the process goes smoothly.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,571
0
Started the process yesterday. Mum's current home have been very understanding about my wish to move mum closer to where I now live, and very helpful about facilitating the move. I'm off to see mum next week and we hope to have an assessment for her via skype while I'm there.
I've found the looking at homes this time really eye-opening. When I looked before I went to the three homes on my list by myself. Going with my husband to a mix of homes has really helped me see what criteria are important for different loved ones.