• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

....if I ever get like that.....

Chi65

Registered User
Aug 27, 2017
6
0
‘If I ever get like that just please, please, push me in the river’ said my wonderful sharp and witty dad after we’d visited my grandmother in her home. It became a joke between us....we’d be walking over a bridge and I’d say ‘is it now dad?’ and he’d ask ‘is what now?’ and I’d say oh if you can’t remember then it’s time - I promised to push you in the river....
15/20 years later, we’ve had him living with us for three years. He knows us (although I’m possibly mum)but doesn’t remember mum is dead, and is concerned he hasn’t visited his parents for a while. Every day we’re either packing for or late for a ferry ....to Newton Abbott. Or he’s had to move to the sofa because of the ‘ruffian’ sleeping in his bed. He spends the day chopping paper or tissues into tiny tiny pieces or drawing endless doodles, but he’s doing this for a deadline which I (or the women who are trying to help for the thing) have given him and is worried/not sure they’re good enough and can we get prints of them for everyone. Personal care is a battle. He’s got vascular dementia and in many respects we’re lucky compared with other carers. He’s very sweet natured and has remained so.
It sometimes (and is always festering somewhere close in my mind) makes me so very sad indeed that I couldn’t fulfil his wish. Not in actually shoving him in the water, but somehow not letting him get like this. He’d hate it so deeply, my real dad.

When I try to talk to professionals about my sadness at losing real dad, they say oh but he’s happy and well looked after, this is who he is now, you’re doing a great job etc remind me it’s not ‘he’s got dementia’ it’s ‘ he’s living with dementia’ or even he’s living well with dementia. Despite doing singing drawing eating sleeping well I’m stricken with grief at how much he’d rather not have got like this. Cos he doesn’t remember any of it. Doesn’t know there’s a virus around ‘ well nobody told me’
I think I don’t want to let go of who dad was or how he used to think, he was so wise and capable, thoughtful and kind. I remember pulling in and crying when I realised I’d never see real dad again about 4 years ago.
Every day the stresses and frustration of caring for the person he is now takes over my wonderful memories of who he once was, and I’m scared that’ll be all that’s left. I wish I could offer him more love for who he is now, but I don’t love what he’s become.( Hard when someone wakes you up in the middle of the night to say his wallet has been stolen, chews up food and spits it out, or endlessly makes whistling bird noises at the dogs and won’t change his pants. Takes batteries out of shaver and hides them, says you’ve
and puts tissue in his socks so washing gets covered in bits)
The grief of losing someone while they’re still alive is very soul destroying
I’ve often thought the difference in caring is if you’re looking after children or a plant you nurture or water them and they thrive, whereas with dementia you nurture and water them and they get worse.
just wanted/needed to write that all down in case there’s anyone out there who gets me.
now worrying I’ll come across as me me me poor me. But I guess it is about me, as my father was about my age when he told me to push him in the river if he ever got like that....
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,049
0
Southampton
my husband has vascular dementia as well. the doctor said hes happy in his little bubble and yes he is. he knows im here looking after him and will always be here. he has accepted his condition and is happy just to be most of the time. he gets frustrated and then shouts but im dealing with it. i miss the emotional side of him, the cuddles and hugs and kisses. the words of encouragement but treasure them more when i get them. my son said he still looks like dad, what he was supposed to look like i dont know. i said if i ever get like that shoot me. it was said in jest and remains that way. you cant keep punishing yourself with that. dementia takes bits and pieces of people bit by bit but i remember who my husband is and im now his memory and his right hand man and always will be
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,454
0
Stand me up against the wall and shoot me was what my dad always said and yes I get it. It's hard watching a previously capable very clever man spending half the evening lining up his many combs after combing his hair every five minutes during the day.

Dad has gone now but I remember clearly how frustrating and also heart breaking it was. Dad was never difficult but his memory had all but gone, we lived in the moment and for me it was soul destroying but he was still dad, just a different dad. Sometimes when dad had a new strange behaviour it was like I had been punched and I would have to leave the room because it was painful like being winded. That's the only way I can describe it and it was a horrible feeling.

You are going through a difficult time and I hope that you are getting some support because it is a hard thing to deal with.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
285
0
My OH mainly in the night, wants to die, by any means. It’s no life at all, just a body and a clumsy one at that. I am 61 to his 81, so I will have just my daughters, and I can’t do that to them, so if it happens to me, I will put my affairs in order, and make my own way upwards.
 

Catastrophe

Registered User
Feb 15, 2019
46
0
Totally agree it's so hard to see the person my Dad has become. It is like grief drawn out with no way to let it go or deal with it. I lost the Dad I knew a long time ago. Occasionally glimpses off him peer out from the confused shell he has become, it's the one thing that keeps me going. And there is little or no understanding from people that do not live with a PWD.
We all need a time to acknowledge what's happening and our emotions should be allowed to bubble to the surface, I suspect in my case I would just I explode if I didn't. Your not alone.
 

Loz18

Registered User
Feb 19, 2021
16
0
Harwich
‘If I ever get like that just please, please, push me in the river’ said my wonderful sharp and witty dad after we’d visited my grandmother in her home. It became a joke between us....we’d be walking over a bridge and I’d say ‘is it now dad?’ and he’d ask ‘is what now?’ and I’d say oh if you can’t remember then it’s time - I promised to push you in the river....
15/20 years later, we’ve had him living with us for three years. He knows us (although I’m possibly mum)but doesn’t remember mum is dead, and is concerned he hasn’t visited his parents for a while. Every day we’re either packing for or late for a ferry ....to Newton Abbott. Or he’s had to move to the sofa because of the ‘ruffian’ sleeping in his bed. He spends the day chopping paper or tissues into tiny tiny pieces or drawing endless doodles, but he’s doing this for a deadline which I (or the women who are trying to help for the thing) have given him and is worried/not sure they’re good enough and can we get prints of them for everyone. Personal care is a battle. He’s got vascular dementia and in many respects we’re lucky compared with other carers. He’s very sweet natured and has remained so.
It sometimes (and is always festering somewhere close in my mind) makes me so very sad indeed that I couldn’t fulfil his wish. Not in actually shoving him in the water, but somehow not letting him get like this. He’d hate it so deeply, my real dad.

When I try to talk to professionals about my sadness at losing real dad, they say oh but he’s happy and well looked after, this is who he is now, you’re doing a great job etc remind me it’s not ‘he’s got dementia’ it’s ‘ he’s living with dementia’ or even he’s living well with dementia. Despite doing singing drawing eating sleeping well I’m stricken with grief at how much he’d rather not have got like this. Cos he doesn’t remember any of it. Doesn’t know there’s a virus around ‘ well nobody told me’
I think I don’t want to let go of who dad was or how he used to think, he was so wise and capable, thoughtful and kind. I remember pulling in and crying when I realised I’d never see real dad again about 4 years ago.
Every day the stresses and frustration of caring for the person he is now takes over my wonderful memories of who he once was, and I’m scared that’ll be all that’s left. I wish I could offer him more love for who he is now, but I don’t love what he’s become.( Hard when someone wakes you up in the middle of the night to say his wallet has been stolen, chews up food and spits it out, or endlessly makes whistling bird noises at the dogs and won’t change his pants. Takes batteries out of shaver and hides them, says you’ve
and puts tissue in his socks so washing gets covered in bits)
The grief of losing someone while they’re still alive is very soul destroying
I’ve often thought the difference in caring is if you’re looking after children or a plant you nurture or water them and they thrive, whereas with dementia you nurture and water them and they get worse.
just wanted/needed to write that all down in case there’s anyone out there who gets me.
now worrying I’ll come across as me me me poor me. But I guess it is about me, as my father was about my age when he told me to push him in the river if he ever got like that....

‘If I ever get like that just please, please, push me in the river’ said my wonderful sharp and witty dad after we’d visited my grandmother in her home. It became a joke between us....we’d be walking over a bridge and I’d say ‘is it now dad?’ and he’d ask ‘is what now?’ and I’d say oh if you can’t remember then it’s time - I promised to push you in the river....
15/20 years later, we’ve had him living with us for three years. He knows us (although I’m possibly mum)but doesn’t remember mum is dead, and is concerned he hasn’t visited his parents for a while. Every day we’re either packing for or late for a ferry ....to Newton Abbott. Or he’s had to move to the sofa because of the ‘ruffian’ sleeping in his bed. He spends the day chopping paper or tissues into tiny tiny pieces or drawing endless doodles, but he’s doing this for a deadline which I (or the women who are trying to help for the thing) have given him and is worried/not sure they’re good enough and can we get prints of them for everyone. Personal care is a battle. He’s got vascular dementia and in many respects we’re lucky compared with other carers. He’s very sweet natured and has remained so.
It sometimes (and is always festering somewhere close in my mind) makes me so very sad indeed that I couldn’t fulfil his wish. Not in actually shoving him in the water, but somehow not letting him get like this. He’d hate it so deeply, my real dad.

When I try to talk to professionals about my sadness at losing real dad, they say oh but he’s happy and well looked after, this is who he is now, you’re doing a great job etc remind me it’s not ‘he’s got dementia’ it’s ‘ he’s living with dementia’ or even he’s living well with dementia. Despite doing singing drawing eating sleeping well I’m stricken with grief at how much he’d rather not have got like this. Cos he doesn’t remember any of it. Doesn’t know there’s a virus around ‘ well nobody told me’
I think I don’t want to let go of who dad was or how he used to think, he was so wise and capable, thoughtful and kind. I remember pulling in and crying when I realised I’d never see real dad again about 4 years ago.
Every day the stresses and frustration of caring for the person he is now takes over my wonderful memories of who he once was, and I’m scared that’ll be all that’s left. I wish I could offer him more love for who he is now, but I don’t love what he’s become.( Hard when someone wakes you up in the middle of the night to say his wallet has been stolen, chews up food and spits it out, or endlessly makes whistling bird noises at the dogs and won’t change his pants. Takes batteries out of shaver and hides them, says you’ve
and puts tissue in his socks so washing gets covered in bits)
The grief of losing someone while they’re still alive is very soul destroying
I’ve often thought the difference in caring is if you’re looking after children or a plant you nurture or water them and they thrive, whereas with dementia you nurture and water them and they get worse.
just wanted/needed to write that all down in case there’s anyone out there who gets me.
now worrying I’ll come across as me me me poor me. But I guess it is about me, as my father was about my age when he told me to push him in the river if he ever got like that....
Hi Chi65
You most definately don't come across as me me me. Reading your post was like reading my own feelings. I joined this site yesterday and was given great comfort. We are grieving for what we are losing. When I read that it made me cry.... Because its true. There is a link for that but I dont know how to access it or send it to you but I am sure someone on here will be able to. Lovely helpful people on here. I'm still learning how to use this site but know that it's definately beneficial to anyone going through what we are x
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
527
0
Totally agree with you - looking back many years now my Mum's auntie had dementia, Mum used to say she was senile and if ever she got like auntie L then I was to put a pillow over her face. I love my mum dearly but I hate what this awful illness has turned her into. She is aggressive and rude not just to me but to carers in the nursing home, and that is so difficult to watch - I wish they had known her when she was her "normal" self and then they would fully understand why it is upsetting to hear what can come out of my mum's mouth. Every day I wish I could get a phone call to say my Mum has gone to sleep and not woken up, I know when something does happen I will regret thinking that, but I know that she wouldn't want to end her life life like she is

No you do not come across as me me me poor me, but someone who cares and still loves their parent.
Take care and be kind to yourself x
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
206
0
‘If I ever get like that just please, please, push me in the river’ said my wonderful sharp and witty dad after we’d visited my grandmother in her home. It became a joke between us....we’d be walking over a bridge and I’d say ‘is it now dad?’ and he’d ask ‘is what now?’ and I’d say oh if you can’t remember then it’s time - I promised to push you in the river.... 15/20 years later, we’ve had him living with us for three years. He knows us (although I’m possibly mum)but doesn’t remember mum is dead, and is concerned he hasn’t visited his parents for a while. Every day we’re either packing for or late for a ferry ....to Newton Abbott. Or he’s had to move to the sofa because of the ‘ruffian’ sleeping in his bed. He spends the day chopping paper or tissues into tiny tiny pieces or drawing endless doodles, but he’s doing this for a deadline which I (or the women who are trying to help for the thing) have given him and is worried/not sure they’re good enough and can we get prints of them for everyone. Personal care is a battle. He’s got vascular dementia and in many respects we’re lucky compared with other carers. He’s very sweet natured and has remained so. It sometimes (and is always festering somewhere close in my mind) makes me so very sad indeed that I couldn’t fulfil his wish. Not in actually shoving him in the water, but somehow not letting him get like this. He’d hate it so deeply, my real dad. When I try to talk to professionals about my sadness at losing real dad, they say oh but he’s happy and well looked after, this is who he is now, you’re doing a great job etc remind me it’s not ‘he’s got dementia’ it’s ‘ he’s living with dementia’ or even he’s living well with dementia. Despite doing singing drawing eating sleeping well I’m stricken with grief at how much he’d rather not have got like this. Cos he doesn’t remember any of it. Doesn’t know there’s a virus around ‘ well nobody told me’ I think I don’t want to let go of who dad was or how he used to think, he was so wise and capable, thoughtful and kind. I remember pulling in and crying when I realised I’d never see real dad again about 4 years ago. Every day the stresses and frustration of caring for the person he is now takes over my wonderful memories of who he once was, and I’m scared that’ll be all that’s left. I wish I could offer him more love for who he is now, but I don’t love what he’s become.( Hard when someone wakes you up in the middle of the night to say his wallet has been stolen, chews up food and spits it out, or endlessly makes whistling bird noises at the dogs and won’t change his pants. Takes batteries out of shaver and hides them, says you’ve and puts tissue in his socks so washing gets covered in bits) The grief of losing someone while they’re still alive is very soul destroying I’ve often thought the difference in caring is if you’re looking after children or a plant you nurture or water them and they thrive, whereas with dementia you nurture and water them and they get worse. just wanted/needed to write that all down in case there’s anyone out there who gets me. now worrying I’ll come across as me me me poor me. But I guess it is about me, as my father was about my age when he told me to push him in the river if he ever got like that....

Substitute "Mum", and this is me to the letter. I can no longer remember the lovely person my mother was, and I fear I will never will. It is just so unbearably sad.
All I know is that nothing on earth would persuade me to "live" with dementia, if I am blighted.

You are most certainly not alone in your feelings, although I can offer no uplifting words.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

LHS

Registered User
Oct 5, 2018
80
0
Yup this resonates with me. My mum always said 'shoot me' if she were to get incapable. I have always felt that I have just been managing my mums decline and that in fact I already lost my real mum some time ago. Yes there have been some odd moments of genuine pleasure where both of us have momentarily forgotten 'MUM HAS DEMENTIA' but she has deteriorated more quickly over the last couple of months and tomorrow has an emergency assessment where I expect Soc Servs to totally recommend she goes into a home. I am up late as I dont want to go to bed and make tomorrow real.
 

Loz18

Registered User
Feb 19, 2021
16
0
Harwich
Yup this resonates with me. My mum always said 'shoot me' if she were to get incapable. I have always felt that I have just been managing my mums decline and that in fact I already lost my real mum some time ago. Yes there have been some odd moments of genuine pleasure where both of us have momentarily forgotten 'MUM HAS DEMENTIA' but she has deteriorated more quickly over the last couple of months and tomorrow has an emergency assessment where I expect Soc Servs to totally recommend she goes into a home. I am up late as I dont want to go to bed and make tomorrow real.
Let us know how you got on. I know what you mean about not wanting to go to bed. X fingers crossed for you
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,343
0
High Peak
I could have written your post a few years ago.

My mother was definitely not 'happy in her little bubble' and she was never 'living well with dementia'. Her last 5+ years (she had dementia at least 10 years) was totally awful.

She told me (before dementia) that if she got 'like that' and I didn't push her off a cliff, she would come back and haunt me!
 

Chi65

Registered User
Aug 27, 2017
6
0
These responses are so precious to me, I’ve walked the dogs thinking about them! Silly of me not to reach out before, I got so insular after mum died, looking after dad. I had an epiphany - first getting frustrated with someone writing they’d said shoot me if I get like that but not expecting their child to actually do it, then I read it again and I realised how bang on they were, I’d been hanging on that comment of dads as if it was my responsibility to see that he never became a dementee 🥴
Sleep is a really big one
my husband has vascular dementia as well. the doctor said hes happy in his little bubble and yes he is. he knows im here looking after him and will always be here. he has accepted his condition and is happy just to be most of the time. he gets frustrated and then shouts but im dealing with it. i miss the emotional side of him, the cuddles and hugs and kisses. the words of encouragement but treasure them more when i get them. my son said he still looks like dad, what he was supposed to look like i dont know. i said if i ever get like that shoot me. it was said in jest and remains that way. you cant keep punishing yourself with that. dementia takes bits and pieces of people bit by bit but i remember who my husband is and im now his memory and his right hand man and always will be
❤️
 

Chi65

Registered User
Aug 27, 2017
6
0
Thank you all so much, your responses have really helped me realise I’m not alone 🧡
Yesterday was a shower day, and I pondered on how it seems to take the same planning, emotional and mental energy to entice him to get him clean and changed once as it did to plan and execute a whole school music concert programme when I used to be a person....
 

Chi65

Registered User
Aug 27, 2017
6
0
Substitute "Mum", and this is me to the letter. I can no longer remember the lovely person my mother was, and I fear I will never will. It is just so unbearably sad.
All I know is that nothing on earth would persuade me to "live" with dementia, if I am blighted.

You are most certainly not alone in your feelings, although I can offer no uplifting words.
💐