1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

I'd appreciate any advice

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Mother goose, Oct 26, 2014.

  1. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    247
    Co.Sligo, Ireland
    My mum's just turned 85, has alzheimers & thankfully is physically ok.
    I have been caring for her the last 2 years, with my husband dealing with her financial side & anything that needs to be done in the home.

    We had a holiday booked back in Jan & decided to go ahead with it & went away on 2nd Oct. Our 28 yr old daughter took over from me, she has a 10 month old little boy & a 4 yr old girl. I take my mum food shopping once a wk, which my daughter also did, along with her 2 young children. The 2nd wk, she took them all & her young baby got very tired, so my daughter told my mum they had to get the shopping done a bit sooner. My daughter got them all into the car & my mum complained, that was a quick shop.

    I have to say it is a stressful trip taking my mum food shopping, as she picks up things that she doesn't need & I have to tell her to put them back. So it was even harder for my daughter, having her 2 young children as well. I felt bad leaving her with the responsibility of my mum, but she insisted & didn't want her nan going into a respite home.

    We arrived home last mon, after travelling 20 hours & were exhausted. My daughter did a great job looking after my mum, as well as her 2 young children, for which we are so very grateful. Then last wed, we had my brother & his wife come to stay with us for 5 days. I get on really well with my brother & his wife, but they haven't seen my mum for 2 & a half yrs. They didn't ring her very often, but when they did, my mum would never give out to them. If I hadn't rang her, I would get a hard time.

    When I was growing up, my brother was always the favourite & could do no wrong, my dad used to pick on me. He died 12 years ago & I thought my mum would be herself again, but she continued with the same, that my brother could do no wrong. My husband & myself moved to Ireland 8 years ago, which is his home town & I'm very happy to be here with him, especially as our daughter & her family are just close by.

    We asked my mum if she wanted to move to Ireland, so she wouldnt be on her own in England. She agreed & we helped her to move over & did everything for her with the move. Since then, my husband & myself do everything for her & more. When my brother & his wife were with us, my mum was all over them. Hugging & saying how lovely to have you here for my birthday. We collected them from the airport & took them back yest. They had the use of my car while they were with us & we took them out to several local attractions.

    I rang my mum this aftn at 4pm & she was in bed, said she was just getting up. I went in & she was still in bed & told her it was after 4 in the aftn. I said, you havnt eaten since yest eve & need to get up. I said, I'll shower you, she hadn't had a proper wash since before we went away. She said, no way, I don't want that. I didn't take no for an answer & just got on with it. I made her something to eat first, then showered her. After, I put her washing on the clothes airer to dry. I brought her tablets & dinner in, so she had everything she needed. As i was leaving, she said, am I coming back with you? It seems the more my husband & myself do, the more she expects. I reminded her that she had dinner with us a few days ago & we all took her out for a dinner the next eve. As I said earlier, I do get on well with my brother, but he gets more respect for doing nothing & I feel I get no respect for doing everything. Am I wrong to think like that? It just upsets me at times.
     
  2. Blimey

    Blimey Registered User

    Jun 6, 2012
    20
    Hi Mother Goose.

    Our circumstance sounds very similar so just wanted to say keep your chin up - I know how difficult this can be. Try not to be upset by your mothers favouritism, she is relying on you and your family and knows she gets real support from you (hence her asking for more). Your daughter sounds fantastic by the way. Measure what you are doing in terms of the benefit your mother receives and the knowledge that you are giving willingly. Don't do more if it is to your detriment. Siblings can (later) struggle with feelings of inadequacy when they acknowledge to themselves how little they helped. You and your family will always have the peace and satisfaction that you were there for her. Your doing a brilliant job by the way but you must know that already:)
     
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,750
    Female
    Scotland
    My housebound mother rightly loved my brother very much and got a lot out of his visits BUT my sister and I were her anchors. We did the drudge work and he chatted and made her laugh. That is how it is in families and you know how important you really are. Try not to resent what seems to be favouritism. Mum did say to me one day with great feeling " What would I do without you and your sister".

    You are a good daughter.
     
  4. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    247
    Co.Sligo, Ireland
    Thank you so much for your reply, Blimey, which brought tears to my eyes. I am very proud of my daughter, as she had health problems from a baby to 14yrs old, which was difficult to deal with as I have 2 sons who are older. I took her to so many Drs over the yrs & she was finally diagnosed with a parathyroid tumour, which was then removed. Her health thankfully improved, then a few months later she got a hiatus hernia, which is still treated by medication. She loves children & hoped to have 4, but sadly lost 3 babies in the last 4 yrs. Thankfully, she now has a little girl who is 4 & a baby boy of 10 mths & we all love them both so much.

    I have an immune condition which can affect every part of the body & have many hospital apps. Stress seems to make my symptoms worse. I help my daughter with her children when she needs it & I also look after a families 3 young children 1 day a week, all of which I do enjoy.

    My mum's safety is at risk, as she takes plugs off electrical appliances & has the bare wire & was up steep garden steps with scissors in her hand. So I have had to make the hardest decision on my own & applied for a nursing home. I didn't ask my brother's opinion, I just told him what I had decided & he agreed with me. Maybe guilt made him decide to visit our mum, as she may get a place in the next few months.

    I know that when the time comes, I won't be able to tell her that is where she is going, as she would refuse to go. I have decided to tell her the memory Dr wants her medication to be assessed in a local day centre, which is also a nursing home & he wants her there for a few days. What worries me is that, if I am able to take her there on those terms that she will hate me & tell me I'm an awful daughter. I know in my heart of hearts that I'm doing it for the right reasons & that she'll have 24/7 care, that I can't give her.
     
  5. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    247
    Co.Sligo, Ireland
    I get on well with my brother, but just find it hard that he has done very little for my mum. Yet she has always been the same to him, like he can do no wrong. It seems my mum expects my husband & myself to take her places when it suits. It is bank hol here in Ireland today. My mum rang me at 4pm & said she is too weary to go anywhere, if we were going to take her. She was in bed until that time & has no concept of time. I explained to her that we were doing jobs in the house & I would be in to take her dinner & tablets, a bit later.

    I called in to her at 5 oclock & she had just eaten toast. That was all she had since the eve before, as was in bed from midnight until 4 oclock. I noticed she had choc cake out & asked why, said was just going to eat some. I explained that was no good if only had toast since yest eve & got her dinner ready. She then got a wine glass out. I said, all you have drunk since last night is half a glass of water, that you will get dehydrated & suggested to drink more water, before the wine. She just replied, said no I won't. I feel all i'm doing lately, is trying to explain what she should be doing. But of course her memory being so bad, she just forgets very quickly afterwards. I find it so hard to help her & feel like I'm going round in circles. I'd be grateful for advice.
     

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