I want to go home/on holiday - what do you say?

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by Imstressedout, Jul 4, 2019.

  1. Imstressedout

    Imstressedout Registered User

    Jun 6, 2019
    30
    In amongst the daily-worsening fog, dad has some very lucid periods, looks into my eyes and directly asks when he’s going home/on holiday. I have no idea what to say. I think it will probably get easier as things progress, but he’s in a bit of a limbo stage at the moment. Any suggestions as I don’t think “soon” cuts it during the “good“ moments.
     
  2. Ohso

    Ohso Registered User

    Jan 4, 2018
    145
    I find some questions are easier than others to reply to, my mums questions about where my brother is, floor me, I am still emotional about his death so they catch me off guard, I found it incredibly difficult to start with but now mum is at the stage where she now doesnt ask, despite lots of photographs around, or I am able to deflect the question very easily.

    To the question about going home ( mum moved in with me recently and the better she gets because of brilliant carers and routine, the more she asks this) I now reply that the doctor said she could either stay in hospital ( following a fall) or come to me to get better and as soon as he says it is ok, she can move home ( that isnt going to happen) and she seems happy with that.

    You dont say where he lives, alone, care home etc, but maybe for now you could play along, even say you will get some holiday brochures next time you are passing a travel agent, and ask where he would like to go, similar for 'home' find a reason not to do it now.

    The best advice I read here is never say no, that just puts a barrier up
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,098
    Kent
    I used to tell my husband to leave it to me and I`d sort it.

    I`d say this about anything I couldn`t agree to or make arrangements for. It satisfied him most of the time.
     
  4. myss

    myss Registered User

    Jan 14, 2018
    331
    If soon won't cut it, say something in the near future that would placate him, such as 'tomorrow', 'next week', 'when the doctor is on their next visit', etc.
     
  5. Cobber

    Cobber Registered User

    Sep 13, 2016
    16
    Mum asks constantly to go home, she is, has been her home for 59 plus years. I generally say, ok after breakfast, lunch, dinner, cup of tea, late now lets stay the night and go tomorrow, distraction best way. And tomorrow we start all over again.
     
  6. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,293
    SW London
    When my mother went through a long phase of wanting to visit her parents (dead 40 and 50 odd years) I would say I couldn't take her today, because the roads were very busy/icy/closed because of a bad accident/my car was being serviced, etc. etc.). 'But maybe we could go tomorrow?'

    Because her short term memory was practically zero by then, I could rinse and repeat as necessary, and it always kept her happy (or as happy as she was ever going to be) for the moment. Sometimes, for authenticity I would add e.g. that I'd give them a ring later to make sure they were going to be in, since, 'we wouldn't want to go all that way and find them out, would we?'
    When it came to 'love lies' I soon found that practice made perfect!
     
  7. Chandra55

    Chandra55 New member

    Nov 20, 2018
    3
    Lot of sound advise. Thanks.
     
  8. Bluebirdcan

    Bluebirdcan New member

    Jun 20, 2019
    1
    Depending upon where you are in this journey I found these replies very helpful.
     

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