I want to care for my pa at home. Is it possible?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by gilbertthebad, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. gilbertthebad

    gilbertthebad Registered User

    May 28, 2016
    My dear pa (dementia with psychosis) suffered a sudden deterioration at Christmas. After a stay in hospital he developed hospital induced delirium. He went in walking, talking, kicking and screaming and came out bedridden and with his eyes permanently shut. He went to live with my brother but my brother has a fiancee and to cut a long story short, they have decided to return my pa back to his home, 60 miles away from them and us.

    I think pa is coming to the end. He needs us and I want him with me.

    So far I have found out it I possible to move him by private ambulance but that's all. I need help with the practicalities. He has a proper big bed that does stuff which the hospital provided. Would I need to give it back as he would be moving to a different county and how could I get a replacement from the NHS is advance? Is there anyone who can help me regarding visits as he is bedridden or is it private help only? I just want to make 100% certain I can look after him properly.
    Any advice?
  2. Onmyown

    Onmyown Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    Good for you taking him to live with you. I'm so sorry your dad has got to this stage. I've no advice as I don't know about beds etc but I would presume your local NHS would be able to help you. There are lots of people on here who will know what to do. I wish you all the best with this awful journey.
  3. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    That's a hard one to answer, but sure there are members on here that would have some answers for you. I should think though that the special bed will be taken back. If the hospital supplied the bed then why not talk to them, just ask your questions. It might be a good idea to list what he already has at your brothers house and then contact your own local Authority social services and see what is possible, also talk to your gp.

    It does sound like a lot of work to organise, a move like this could take time would it not be better to consider a nursing home near you?
  4. gilbertthebad

    gilbertthebad Registered User

    May 28, 2016
    Thank you so much for your replies, Onmyown and Tin, you have given me a good idea as to where to start.

    Tin, my pa grew up in institution care, it's a time of his life that always haunted him and he begged us to keep him out of a home. It's why my brother thinks it better to send him back (bed and all!) to where he came from and employ private carers even though he won't see any of his family so much. Pa is always holding our hands and trying to talk. I think he will really miss not having us around each day. And I will miss him and worry.

    If I can't provide the care he needs, there is a NH 3 minutes away from where I live where I could stay practically live with him, it crossed my mind that it may be a better option that sending him away but my brother would see it as a betrayal and as poa would not even consider it.

    Many thanks again for you replies and support
  5. Risa

    Risa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2015
    I think before you and your brother make any decisions, best to speak to Social Services and also find out what your Dad's GP recommends. People can be bed bound for a long time and if you are privately financing 24 hour care, it is affordable over an extended period? Again do some research into costs and the practicalities of either yourself or your brother employing staff before making a decision. For example, if neither you and your brother are local to your Dad, what would happen if staff didn't show up or quit suddenly? It might not be easy to find live-in carers quickly so again, depending on the state of your Dad's health, this could be a problem.

    If you move your Dad to your home, are you in a position to care 24/7 for him over an extended period? What happens if you get sick or need to leave the house? Do you have any other family to help you or would you be thinking about getting carers to assist you on a daily basis and give you a break?

    I can understand your brother doesn't like the idea of your Dad moving into a care home but he should be thinking about your Dad's needs at this point in his illness rather than what your Dad would have wanted when he was healthy. I would advise getting your Dad re-assessed by SS and if you are intending to care for your Dad at home, get a carer's assessment and see what sort of help you would be entitled to and what sort of adaptions/equipment may be needed for your home to make it suitable. As you are in a different county to your Dad, I think you will have to involve SS in both counties as the help available may vary and this could then influence your decision.

    If the GP is advising that your Dad doesn't have very long left, would it be worth considering moving him to a hospice instead of a care home? Maybe your brother would find this a more acceptable alternative to a care home?

    Sorry if I am giving you more to think about but it is a big decision.
  6. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    I agree with Risa...she raises some very good points for you and your brother to consider. I understand the desperation in trying to think of any option at all that will keep your dad at home or your home...I felt like that for my dad albeit he was not at bed bound stage...but the ultimate reason for any move whether to your home or NH must be that first and foremost it is your dad's best interests and where the most suitable continuous care to meet his needs can be provided that should be considered more than anything else
  7. arielsmelody

    arielsmelody Registered User

    Jul 16, 2015
    My mum is bedridden (although no dementia) and my dad is caring for her at home. She had to go into a care home when she first fell ill, and my dad had to work with social services before they would allow her to go home. It took quite a while because they insisted that there should be wheelchair access to the house and she had to have a downstairs wet room. They provided a hospital bed and a hoist - that happened quite quickly - but they are lucky to have a good sized room downstairs which she can use as a bedroom and corridors wide enough for a wheelchair. She has two-person carer visits four times a day for personal care, but my dad has to provide the rest of the care including cooking and cleaning. They arrange care through an agency. He can leave her alone for a few hours, but obviously not overnight. They are self-funding, but she has various disability benefits which help with the costs.

    But your brother must have gone through this process when your dad came to him? If you are serious about getting your dad home, I think you need to start by talking to his social worker where he is at the moment, and they should be able to talk through everything you need to do.
  8. gilbertthebad

    gilbertthebad Registered User

    May 28, 2016
    Thank you so very much - Risa, your post is enormously helpful and I am carefully working through all your suggestions.
    Thank you also love.dad.but for your advice and arielsmelody, there was no process! l'm going to get on to this now.
    Many thanks again for taking the time out of your own situations, its very much appreciated.
  9. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    Let us know how things go, any other questions just add to your thread. Hopefully you will be able to achieve your goal of caring for your father in your home.

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