1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

I want to bring him home!

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Suelynd, Jun 12, 2015.

  1. Suelynd

    Suelynd Registered User

    Jun 12, 2015
    11
    North Wales
    My husband has Alzheimer's and has been in a care home for seven months. I thought it would get easier for me as time went on but I'm afraid it's getting worse. Miss him so much. There is also the financial aspect of having to pay half of the fees which I'm finding hard. What I really want to know is, Has anyone ever brought their loved one home after being in a care home and if so how was it? I really don't want to do something that I will regret.
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,496
    Female
    London
    Please think this through long and hard. What is the reason he went into the care home? Could you no longer cope? What makes you think you can now? Has he got any other health problems? How good is the support system in your borough, I e what help could you get? Is he settled in the care home? Where he lives and is cared for should be in his best interests. You might miss him but others might be better equipped to care for him. Also, I don't quite understand what you mean by having to pay half the fees. Could you elaborate please?
     
  3. Suelynd

    Suelynd Registered User

    Jun 12, 2015
    11
    North Wales
    #3 Suelynd, Jun 12, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2015
    He initially went in for two weeks respite because I needed a break from caring for him, (he was diagnosed four and a half years ago). He settled so well that my children and I thought it would be kinder for him to let him remain.
    When I go to see him he talks about coming home but I just tell him that I have to go to work and will come back later which settles him.
    The reason I think I could cope now is because I have had a long break and think if he can go to day care a couple of days a week and then maybe a weeks respite care after about every three months then I would be able to see some light at the end of the tunnel.
    He's always so loving with me when I go to see him it breaks my heart.
    Re the fees. The council pay half of the care home costs and the rest come from husband's pension i.e. all of his retirement pension and half of his occupational pensions are taken.
     
  4. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    The social workers looking after us were very concerned that we wouldn't have night cover if my hubby came home. We could have people coming in four times a day with homecare, but nobody at night. That was a problem for us all.

    Would you be able to get medical help at night if you needed it? Is your husband liable to fall at any time or has he still got full mobility? That matters, for the both of you.
     
  5. Suelynd

    Suelynd Registered User

    Jun 12, 2015
    11
    North Wales
    #5 Suelynd, Jun 12, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2015
    .He has still got full mobility and I have got family close by.
     
  6. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Suelynd, you are intelligent enough to make your own decisions. Those of us who ask questions only do so because we care about what happens to those who come on here. Who am I to say you shouldn't make enquiries? Whatever you decide, just be sure you'd be able to get help when you need it.

    All the very best to you.
     
  7. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,852
    Suffolk
    Like you, OH went in for two weeks respite. I got ill and extended another week. Then he got infection, extended another two weeks. Then I just made it permanent. I thought in the early days I could bring him home, though he had fallen twice a few days before he went for respite, and I can't lift him ( have a few health problems of my own ). Then yesterday, seeing him trying to walk. Listening to him forgetting words, not finishing sentences, having to guess at what he was trying to say. He's hardly eating, though I can always get him to eat something. So the answer is no, I can't manage him. He's safe. There are always at least two people there.

    I realise money is a problem, it is for me. I am hoping for at least nursing care, which would help. Otherwise self funding.

    I realise your OH isn't as bad, and you are sensible and can risk assess. The answer, in my case, is no, he stays there.
    How will he feel if you bring him home and then he has to go back?

    But good luck whatever you decide.
     
  8. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    1,085
    Brazil
    My mom is on CH for 5 years and I am still thinking about bringing her home. ( I know I can't work and take care alone of a person on stage 7, but I dream and plan about it)
     
  9. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    Would dearly love to bring my loved one home too but realise his new found contentment wouldn't last long and we would be back to even worse than what used to be as the illness has progressed in the nearly 12 months he has been there. Know what you mean financially as we have the same assessment but, although you would go back to receiving attendance allowance you would still have to pay for all the extra help needed.
     
  10. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,491
    Female
    Near Southampton
    This comes from someone who has never got over the guilt of their husband being in a nursing home.
    I would say that your decision has to be about your husband's health and happiness, not about the cost of the home fees.

    It may be hard to manage on half the occupational pension but it prepared me for life as a widow which is roughly on a par.

    It has to be your decision as only ylu know how you are situated, but do consider absolutely every aspect first.
    Best of luck whatever you decide. x
     
  11. Suelynd

    Suelynd Registered User

    Jun 12, 2015
    11
    North Wales
    Thank you for all your replies. Still don't know what to do apart from go and see my GP. Is it normal to be crying all the time and even if there are no tears (which often there are) I'm crying inside? Is there any light at the end of this tunnel?
     
  12. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    Would it be possible for your husband to come home for a trial period, to see how you cope, before having to decide?

    It's such a big decision, I really feel for you x
     
  13. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Tears help the mind to pull itself back together. Cry when you need to. You're grieving. Life has hurt for a long time and you must have time to heal. It's not selfish, Suelynd, it's necessary.

    Talking to your GP can only help the process of healing if you are listened to.
     
  14. Suelynd

    Suelynd Registered User

    Jun 12, 2015
    11
    North Wales
    I would like to try that but the thought scares me in a way! Everything about this disease scares me, it's a learning process every day.
     
  15. meme

    meme Registered User

    Aug 29, 2011
    1,955
    Female
    London
    I would say if you think you and he will have enough support at home..(there are risks wherever he is) then go for it...if it doesn't work out at least you know you did your best in every way........and he can always go into a care home if that ever becomes the best choice ...good luck to you
     
  16. Padraig

    Padraig Registered User

    Dec 10, 2009
    1,039
    Hereford
    You ask the question: has anyone taken their spouse/partner from a Nursing Home back home, and how was it? Like you I was stressed, upset and angry each time I visited my wife in a NH. Though I was going into the unknown I made the decision to take my wife home and care for her in my own way. At the time I was in my seventies and nobody or anything was to prevent me looking after her. She could no longer speak, feed herself and was bedridden, none the less, I gave it my best shot and my only regret is to have ever placed her in a NH.
    Had I not acted as I did I would never have discovered the depths the power of love could reach. Each of us are different but unless we attempt what some perceive as the impossible we'll not discover what we are capable of.
    When you look after someone 24/7 on your own at home right through the 'final stages' what ever they are. I never bothered with stages, just accepted each change I learned as AD unfolded. All the time I accepted that our time was running out and loved her all the more. There are positives and negatives in the decisions we take, but then life's made up of them.
     
  17. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,393
    Female
    South coast
    I am so sorry that you are feeling so guilty because your husband is in a care home.
    People can and do take their loved ones home from a NH/CH (though I should think it would be very hard), but I am wondering whether you have answered your own question with the response "I would like to try that but the thought scares me in a way!" in answer to a suggestion that you try it out by bringing him back home for a few days.

    Sometimes we cling to impossible hopes.
     
  18. tre

    tre Registered User

    Sep 23, 2008
    1,353
    Herts
    Are you aware of the inspiring story of Barbara Pointon who removed her husband from a CH and cared for him at home? Some people can and do but I would try to ensure you have a lot of help. I hope it works out for you both
    Tre
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.