1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

I want my mum to fall into a peaceful eternal sleep

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by Babymare01, Aug 26, 2015.

  1. Babymare01

    Babymare01 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2015
    296
    11.30 Sunday night I got a call from home that mum had fallen. By time I got there she was in ambulance her face looking like she had done rounds in the boxing wing. What followed was 10 hours in hospital with tests scans etc - 1 minute me holding mum as she screamed and cried and begged me to get them to stop hurting her the next punching,kicking and biting me. She called me mum she swore at me. She was so confused frightened and bewildered. I spent the night fighting to keep her on the bed. This illness is so damn cruel. Oh dear god I wish with all the heart my wonderful lovely kind mum would drift away quietly and peacefully into an enternal sleep. Her beloved Scoobie dog is waiting for her at rainbow bridge.

    Im so sorry for a depressing post but at moment the guilt of how I feel is like a ton weight in my heart xx
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,765
    Merseyside
    Oh my lovely you are having a tough time. Do not feel guilty for the way you feel.
    I feel the same about my Dad.
    Sending you strength & hugs.
     
  3. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,282
    SW London
    I often used to feel the same about my poor mother - I do so feel for you. This vile illness can be so terribly cruel. Please don't feel guilty about wanting her suffering to end. xx
     
  4. disi

    disi Registered User

    You are suffering so much, please do not feel guilty, its heart rendering to see our loved ones with this dreadful illness. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time. xx
     
  5. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,561
    North West
    This is such an understandable feeling in the circumstances CCOLE. You are by no means the fisrt person on TP to feel like this and you most certainly won't be the last.

    I find it so disturbing that you, apparently on your own, are having to spend all night fighting to keep her on the bed. Do you have any support or assistance?
     
  6. Babymare01

    Babymare01 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2015
    296
    Hello there - no one from the home came with us to hospital and to be honest I feel the nursing staff in A&E don't have much understanding of Dimentia(Please Im not knocking them) but understanding the difficulties and how distressed a suffer can get. They did after 8 hours put her in a proper hospital bed with pressure mattress and higher side bars. They paramedics though were pure angels. When we first got there I was told to wait in waiting room as normal practice. I explained that mum has dementia and I know phrases etc that can calm but no out I was sent. I could hear her screaming and crying. Was awful. Then ambulance man came out, winked and said "come and calm your mum love" I could have kissed him. But was just terrible just terrible seeing mum so distressed at the tests etc oh dear god My poor mum xx
     
  7. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,561
    North West
    I think you're absolutely right about some A and E depts, some GPs and some hospital staff. Dementia awareness has a long way to go until we can have any confidence about the treatment PWD will receive from the NHS.
     
  8. Babymare01

    Babymare01 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2015
    296
    I was actually asked to leave cubicle at one point whilst they changed mum- " to protect her dignity" I replied "Dimentia as removed any essence on dignity my mum ever had" but again I was called in quickly - why do they not listen to the people who know the Dimentia suffer. I felt like screaming at them and really struggled to stay calm but I did. But you are right we have a long way to go for proplr in all areas to understand
     
  9. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,282
    SW London
    We've had two wildly different experiences at the same A and E. First was brilliant - my mother had had a bad fall and cut her head which needed stitches. Nurse was brilliant after I told her my mother had dementia (quite advanced then) - her mother had it, so she understood. Doctor was also very kind and patient.

    Another time, when she was more advanced, she had managed to cut her hand between finger and thumb, and they said it definitely needed stitching. Well. She would not even sit down or keep still for anyone to look at it properly, let alone stitch it. They did try a wheelchair with a belt but she became very distressed and agitated. I told the doc that if it HAD to be stitched she would need to be sedated, there was NO WAY she would sit still for them to do it - she had not a clue what was going on or why. Staff were wearily impatient and seemed utterly nonplussed -could not apparently comprehend that someone who looked like an adult could not understand or follow instructions - it was as if it was the first case of dementia they'd ever seen.
    In the end a nurse managed to put some sort of dressing on as I slowly walked her up and down.
    In any case she pulled the dressing off 2mins after arriving back at the CH, and pulled off every subsequent one they put on. But it healed fine anyway.
     
  10. Raggedrobin

    Raggedrobin Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    1,432
    There is a long way to go with A and E departments, some very wonderful staff and quite a few who have little understanding of the disease. I do sympathise both with that situation and with your wishes for your Mum to go peacefully. I don't even feel guilty that I think that any more, I just wonder how much longer this goes on for. Please don't make a terribke time even harder by going further down the guilt route, what you are experiencing is a natural reaction to wanting the best for your Mum and the best sometimes is to want for her to be at peace.

    There was some move to allow carers to stay in hospitals with dementia patients outside visiting hours, I think that would help a lot. I didn't have trouble staying with her when she was in A and E, though and thank goodness I was there to keep her calm. However on a ward I was there at a non-visiting time to see the anaethetist and the nurse on duty was very, very shirty that I was there at the 'wrong time'. I explained why, but really, they need to allow dementia carers in when they are needed, not just visiting times.

    It sounds awful that you were the one trying to keep your Mum from falling off the bed. Indeed sometimes people like paramedics seem to have a bit more common sense, perhaps working in an NHS hospital means you always prioritise sticking to rules over common sense, although I am sure there are plenty of exceptions.
     
  11. jojob71

    jojob71 Registered User

    Jun 12, 2015
    4
    You are an amazing person for staying up with your beloved mum all night. Unfortunately hospitals are not very well staffed these days and nurses/doctors expect family members to do their jobs when they are over worked. I have a disabled child and have experienced this many, many times.
    I have also wished for my mum to fall into a peaceful eternal sleep, but like my mum used to say, "You won't leave this earth until your clock stops ticking." It's not your mum's time yet but I'm sure she knows what a caring child she has. Big hugs.
     
  12. theunknown

    theunknown Registered User

    Apr 17, 2015
    321
    What a horrible experience C, but how lucky for your mum that she had you there, however stressful for you. I can certainly emphasise with your wish to have mum join her beloved dog, rather than living through this. It probably is worse for you than her, because it's likely she won't remember.
     
  13. Kazza B

    Kazza B Registered User

    Oct 26, 2015
    10
    Australia
    Hi CCOLE

    Boy, you bought me to tears... with what you wrote, I also have the same feeling as you. I look after my Dad who has Alzheimer's, moderate to severe. I used to be upset with myself with those feeling. However after talking to a lot of care givers & family, most think the same. We love them so much, we just know this is not what they would want for themselves. It is also hard on those who have to watch them struggle daily, I wish my Dad was at peace as well, I also love him to bits, but it is so hard.

    Kazza
     
  14. rockysmts

    rockysmts Registered User

    Dec 22, 2015
    5
    Texas
    Same experience with my mom

    I had the same thing happen with my mom. My heart stops when my phone rings after 10 p.m. I keep expecting it to be the phone call that she is no longer with us. Please understand I love my mom and we were best friends but seeing her like this is killing me. I have rheumatoid arthritis so the stress of this makes my illness worse. My father decided when my mom was first diagnosed 4 years ago, after 45 years of marriage he didn't want the responsibility and walked away. I have been woken so many times over the past 4 years for falls, spent many of nights at the hospitals, missed the birth of grand baby because there was no one that could sit with her at the hospital. I am exhausted, stressed, guilt ridden. It angers me how tv shows depict Alzheimer's. They glamourize it. It is 10 times worst then they depict. I have said before that I wish she would go in her sleep because she isn't happy like this, this illness is so cruel.
     
  15. SheilaR

    SheilaR Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    2
    Guilt!

    It was really helpful to read all these posts about dealing with hospitals and care homes, as my mother was finally diagnosed in January this year, with mixed dementia. She is now in a home, and frequently asks to go home, calls me names for putting her there (even though she agreed with doctors and social workers that she needed to be there).

    She is certainly not the mother I have known for years, and like one of the others on this post, I just wish that she could go to sleep and not wake up one day. She even asks me and care staff to assist her to commit suicide, and I explain that we can't do that. Advanced dementia is especially horrible for close relatives, and we all need to sound off about it sometimes without feeling guilty for our reactions
     

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