I want my Dad to be near to me and my family

[greentrac]

I think this forum is great and am so glad I've found it. There's so many useful discussions and threads and I have already learnt so much from everyone who has been generous enough to share their stories and experience. I'd like to share my own story and hopefully others can help and/or learn from me.

My Dad was diagnosed with dementia two years ago when he was living with a "friend". At that point, me and my brothers did not see Dad very often, partly because the friend he was living with made it difficult for us to visit but also because Dad was living so far away from us - I live over 200 miles away. She also did not make us aware of the diagnosis and it was only this year after he had had several falls and been found wandering outside that she finally told us and said she didn't want to keep living with him.

He went into hospital and because of his poor mobility. the professionals judged that the home he had been living in was no longer safe. After a few weeks in a rehabilitation centre we found a flat in extra care housing for him and he moved in. That was just over two months ago and since then the "friend" made an accusation that my Dad had tried to kick her and decided she no longer wanted to have anything to do with him. My Dad has never been violent in his life before but I know dementia can change people.

My Dad has not seen this friend since and as you might imagine has taken it very hard. On top of all the other changes of moving home and not being very mobile he feels his life has changed overnight and doesn't fully understand why. He is very depressed, doesn't eat, take his medication, wash or sleep properly and every day has asked me if he can move nearer to me. He knows very few other people in the area, his friend didn't really like my Dad's friends so he lost touch with them and he now finds himself isolated, cut off with no visitors other than the carers who come four times a day who are of course strangers.

Enter social services who have been pretty disappointing. Despite how depressed my Dad is and the fact that both he and we want him to move closer to where we live they have done nothing to either explain the process or to support me in finding out. In fact I have found their approach to be obstructive and although I know we have to give Dad some time to see if he can settle into his new flat before we move him again, that doesn't seem to be changing - in fact my Dad's state of mind seems to be getting worse. They have also done nothing to try and improve my Dad's quality of life and instead keep trying to force him to "join in" not really paying attention to who he is or what he likes to do.

The final straw came today when I received an email from social services in response to yet another request from me about what the process would be for Dad to move to similar accommodation close to where I live so that I can visit him at least once a week rather than every six weeks, take him out and bring him back to our house. The social worker wrote:

"I intend to visit Dad to complete a Mental Capacity assessment, this is decision specific, this will be to assess his understanding and wishes in regard to moving to London. I have contacted xxx, I am awaiting his telephone call to arrange a joint visit to complete this.

If Dad is assessed as having capacity this move can go ahead, if he lacks capacity a formal Best interests Meeting must be held.

Whether Dad has or lacks capacity a meeting will be held to determine accommodation type needs to meet his needs." and then wrote:

"To confirm Dads GP will not be involved as this decision is not medical.
Health and Adult Services are the decision maker for a change in accommodation when someone is assessed as lacking capacity, unless a Power of attorney is registered for Health and Well-being, or Court of Protection is in place."

So my question is, are social services able to do this? Who should be carrying out this assessment and can they just overrule what me and my Dad want just because they judge him to lack capacity? Also, does anyone know what the process would be to move my Dad from one local authority to another in the UK?

Thanks

Tracy

 

[nita]

I think there are some people on the forum who are very "well up" on best interests meetings for people who lack capacity, as your Dad may be found to.

If you google "best interests capacity" and the name of the borough council where your father lives, you should get a document come up published by SS in his area explaining it in official terms.

You, as the next of kin, and your father, whether or not he has capacity, have the right to have your wishes taken into account. If necessary, you could take someone else along as an advocate to support your case. It is true though that SS have the overriding decision but I don't see why they should not agree that it is in your father's best interests to be nearer his family, whether he is in supported accommodation or not. I am not sure whether the LA in London where you intend him to move to has any say in the matter. Other people on the forum have experience of their relatives moving between LAs.

I would add that your father's depression should be treated - you say it has been exacerbated by his "friend" leaving him, so it is separate from any dementia type illness and should be treatable. Does he have medication for it and do the carers ensure he takes it?

You could emphasise that a lot of his problems may be solved if you are nearby - dropping in to ensure he eats properly, etc. I am a bit concerned about the wandering though, if there is no one to make sure he is safe. Could it be they have a good case for him being placed in care if his safety cannot be guaranteed? In that case, would a residential home near where you live be the best option? You will need to think about all these things.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help - I just wanted to make sure you got an answer as it's quite late - more people will be online to help tomorrow.

Best wishes,
Nita

 

[greentrac]

Hi Nita,

Thanks for your reply, especially as it's so late and for your advice. I think the depression is separate from the dementia and making it worse. He has seen a psychiatrist and has had regular visits from a psychiatric nurse but he's not on medication. Although at one point the professionals were considering admitting him as it was so bad.

I do think a lot of these problems would be solved by him being nearer to me and my girls, not only in relation to the dementia but also as a clean break from what he referred to me tonight on the phone as "bad memories". I will gladly follow the advice of the professionals as to whether that should be extra care or a residential home, i just think the best place for that is nearer to me.

Thanks again for your advice and support, best wishes,

Tracy

 

[nita]

Hallo Tracy,

I am glad to hear you are open to all options for your father as it may be he needs 24 hour care. I do think the depression issue should be addressed. Have you visited the dr. with him as he may not be able to explain himself very well.

It may well be that his condition will improve if he is on the right medication which may take some fine tuning, and then it would be time to consider where he needs to live. However, this may all take time and his immediate needs have to be thought of. Social Services are very focused on safeguarding vulnerable adults. I realise it is quite a complex situation. Could he go into respite care in a residential setting in the mean time, to be properly assessed?

Still up, waiting for an enema to work on my Mum!

Nita

 

[greentrac]

Hi Nita,

I haven't visited the doctor with him about the depression specifically but she is really good and does get him to open up. I think that might be something to do on my next trip up in a couple of weeks.

I am a big support of SS overall and most people I have met in relation to my Dad's care have been great. The particular social worker I'm struggling with is not very organised or a great communicator and seems to approach people in a very tick box kind of way. Her approach is also very patronising which really grates with me especially when she talks about my dad right in front of him as though he's not there. My Dad has already been in respite care in a residential setting and has been assessed and this was the basis upon which he was move to extra care housing. At that point we all thought his friend would continue to visit him several times a week but of course that is not now the case and he's very lonely.

In some ways it's a good thing as the friend was very manipulative and we have since learnt she was "managing" his bank account and several thousand pounds had been withdrawn. When I asked her to return my Dad's bank card she refused and so I had to call the bank to get it cancelled. It's since then that she has decided to completely disown my dad. the social worker in question was also very friendly with this particular lady.

I hope you're not up too late.

Best wishes,

Tracy