I want him to die

[Amy15]

But I know I really, really don't. That's a whole box of emotions I couldn't handle opening. But I feel like the lid of the box is loose anyway and the feelings of grief and loss are gradually dawning on me anyway.

So he might as well be dead.

I'm so sorry anyone who has lost a loved one and would give anything to be able to give them a hug or hold their hand one more time. I know I need to make the most of Dad being here in a body while he is. It's so hard though.

He's unreasonable and aggressive and argumentative and and shouts at us all the time but sometimes he seems normal.

He wished me luck with my exams this morning, that involved memory and empathy. He hasn't outwardly cared about anyone else for a long time now.

I know that I am losing my Dad bit my bit to the point that he's now a shell of his former self, and the feeling of loss has been so strong in the last few weeks.

I just don't know how to miss someone who I still see everyday...

 

[Red66]

Amy15 sadly this is a set emotions that will continue till the day your Dad dies. My Dad passed in August, he was just over 5 stone. Gradually as your Dad deteriorates you will feel this more and more, don't feel guilty for this, your only human. Such a cruel disease and you feel helpless. Stay strong Amy, Red xx

 

[Cat27]

Amy I felt the same way at times.
You may find this thread about anticipatory grief interesting http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?85774-Anticipatory-Grief

 

[marmarlade]

oh my I thought I was the only one who wished this ,my hubby has had dementia now for 6 years ,but the last month or two he has gone down hill,hes so thin can hardly walk and mostly just smiles at us,he knows who we are ,but hes not my husband any more,and it breaks my heart to see him like this,oh how I wish he could just go to sleep and never wake up.and im sure you do to, and many more of us on T.P.but we keep going and we will see it through,but its so hard,thinking of you and all of us who are going through this horrible dementia thing

 

[Amy15]

Amy I felt the same way at times.
You may find this thread about anticipatory grief interesting

Thanks, this article kind of sums up how I feel. It helps to know my feelings are justified. But I wish my brain coped in ways other than regular seizures. My brothers live in the same environment and experience the same things but appear fine. It's almost like they deal with it by being cross with the man we now live with rather than being cross with the disease and remembering the Dad we used to have.
It's the remembering how my Dad used to be that breaks my heart. But saying that, I don't know how much I can remember and how much is just a made up, idealised version of how I think dad was. And that breaks my heart even more.

 

[Amy15]

oh my I thought I was the only one who wished this ,my hubby has had dementia now for 6 years ,but the last month or two he has gone down hill,hes so thin can hardly walk and mostly just smiles at us,he knows who we are ,but hes not my husband any more,and it breaks my heart to see him like this,oh how I wish he could just go to sleep and never wake up.and im sure you do to, and many more of us on T.P.but we keep going and we will see it through,but its so hard,thinking of you and all of us who are going through this horrible dementia thing

I'm sorry it's so hard for you too.
My Dad knows who we are too and I think is at least in part aware of what is happening to him. This means he has the capacity to appear quite 'normal' some of the time, which just exacerbates the loss felt when he is aggressive or confused and vacant.
Death would end his suffering.

 

[Hayleymarie]

Sending you lots of hugs Amy. I think this time of year is even harder for some reason. I agree it's perfectly normal to have these feelings .